I either need a different welding helmet, or I need to stop breathing.

As a professional welder here is a possibility of what is wrong.
Where the head gear meets the helmet there is typically one side or possibly both an adjustment. There are like 4 tiny holes a tab that rotates and has a small pin on that tab that drops into. It sets how far the helmet sits from your face. Go max adjustment. It may just be too close to your nose. One helmet I had to drill a few more holes to get it furthest back. Chinese helmets sometimes use a part that has the holes separate from the tab and they rotate independently. But not allways the right direction. All the free helmets are typically Chinese now. Let us know how you do BEFORE you spit on your lenses. Leave that to scuba people. LMAO on that one.
Syleng1