Turn a small drill press into a Bore/ Hone. Bolt it to the top of your engine block & do your own machining .

how funny would it be if it wasn't "cheap as gasket" and "didn't torque the heads enough" but actually a hairline crack in the cylinder or something.

i'd laugh my *** off.
Hairline crack in the cylinder? Or something else? Elaborate. Anyone ever see a hairline crack in just one cylinder that can't be seen when it's magniflux , with the naked eye?