colonoscopy,not far from the truth!
ABOUT THE WRITER:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist
for the Miami Herald. Colonoscopy
Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist,
to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a
color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly
through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything
he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which
comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave
oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for
now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
fall into the hands of America 's
enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug,
then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.
This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and
here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and
urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may
result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle
launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times
when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You
spend several hours pretty much confined to the
bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
everything. And then, when you figure you must be
totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food
that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to
sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the
procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return
bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What
if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a
friend for something like that? Flowers would not
be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one
of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts,
the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even
more naked than when you are actually
naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but
Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep.. At first I was ticked off that I
hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would
happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire
Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn
your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and
an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot
tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this
point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the
anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the
needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the
least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,'
I said. And then it was time, the moment I had
been dreading for more than a decade. If you are
squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell
you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One
moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat
of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in
the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I
felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more
excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have
never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no
joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are
actual comments made by his patients (predominately
male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. Youre boldly going where no
man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there
yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally
married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't
you?'
12. Now I know why I am not gay!'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
