She's Killin Me Here ... Could Use Some Tips on Living With the Elderly

Dear Leanna,
I am replying to you at my husbands request. He read what you wrote and felt sure I would have something to offer. There is lots of good advice here. I feel like I am walking in your shoes. My husband and I have vowed to look after his parents and I think we have experienced some of the same things you are going through. My mother-in-law found out she has Alzheimers about 15 years ago. There are many stages and the symptoms change. It is not the same journey for any two people who have it. You really need a doctor to help you find the cause of the "strange" behavior. It sounds like she is fairly clear thinking during the day and the behavior that is the biggest problem occurs at night and early morning. My experience with Alzheimers is that the time of day has no relation to the behavior. My father-in-law had many other health issues, kidney disease, thyroid malfuctions, and bladder cancer all took over his body during the last couple years of his life. One or all of these illnesses made it impossible for his body to process food correctly. As a result his calcium levels went through the roof. His high calcium levels brought on what we were told is called Sundowners (I don't think that would be the technical name). Dad got very mixed up in the evenings. His days would be full of naps and old TV shows. He went to bed early every night exhausted. Then he would wake up one or more times during the night. He would think it was time to get up, or that he had to get ready to go somewhere, he would start to cook something then forget it on the stove, he couldn't think things through or hold a conversation without losing track of what was even being said. Then as the sun came up his thinking would clear. He never seemed to remember what he did over night.
My point is, the cause could be any of a number of things. You can't solve the problem or pick a way to deal with it until you know what "it" is. I pray you and your husband can work together to explain to his mom that there is a problem and that she consents to finding out what it is. I am sure that with some time and tests the cause will be discovered and then a plan to eliminate or minumize the symptoms can be set in motion. Until then you and your husband need to take good care of each other. You both will be unable to take care of mom if either of you are falling apart. What ever the outcome I am sure God will bless you all for doing what you can, to loving care for your mother-in-law. I am sure this is difficult on all of you. Talk honestly about your fears and frustrations and pray about them. God will help you find the answers that work best for all of you. As we go through difficult times we need to trust that each step we take trusting in God brings us closer to the victory He has planned for us.
My father-in-law's health problems were not fun, but we all felt blessed for the time we had together, for fighting a good fight together. Dad knew he was well loved and everthing that could be done was done. Mom is so far gone in her illness that it is hard to know for sure what she thinks. She has been reduced to the abilities that are simular to a two year old now. We live with her and with the help of a part time day care provider who comes to the house, we provide for her every need. She is happy and affectionate. She rarely says anything to indicate that she knows us or her own home. However, it was her wish to remain in her home until she dies. We are thankful that we have been able to keep her here so far. It is not an easy road but we are blessed each day with smiles, her hand to hold, a rare hug, an occasional thank you, and once in a great while she can put three words together and says "I love you".
God bless you all on your journey,
Cyndi