I need help in the worst way!

I did. To be honest it helped with the mourning and death but that isn't what I am struggling with. I have delt with 4 deaths of friends since graduating in 2009. I have a process for that. The things that are bothering me is what I had to see with my eyes. I was the first one to him. I had dinner with some friends with PTSD and that helped more then the church.