Slow learner...

....or perhaps just stupid? Really beginning to wonder which it is? Seems like every forum I join things start out well then just head south QUICKLY. Pretty sure I may have,gotten tossed from another forum.
Have noticed that the bi-polar swings have returned some. Got in a rip roaring fight with the wife yesterday. Posted something that was meant to be a joke on a forum, someone twisted my words around, and made some major assumptions. Part of the mental health crap is I have a bad case of persecuatory ideation....in English it means I think everyone is out to get me.....so things get personal for me real quick. I took what a few people said VERY PERSONAL and went into attack mode....as every head doc that I have ever seen told me "you have the fight or flight mode door propped open, one foot thru it". Am like this 24-7. So the least little bit of poking and I am off an running.
Been living with this crap since I turned 15. Tried the meds...Couldn't handle the mood stabilizers...if someone like me takes anti-depressants by them selves it triggers constant mania...which for me is rage...black out, violent rage. The kind that hurts people. Have tried meditation, "finding God", pretty much everything. Ended up getting tossed from the USPS, was deemed a hazard to self and others. Found a solution that makes life tolerable...avoidance of people.
Looks like the truth of it all is I just need to avoid all contact with folks. Honestly, whats the point of joining a forum to just get hostile over dumb crap?
When I get like I was yesterday I start SERIOUSLY thinking about suicide. If I had grabbed a gun on my rage fueled trip out of the house there is no doubt in my mind I would have used it when I was sitting in the Observation area I stopped at.
Have all but given up on therapy. Every doc that I have seen has told me that my only option is to learn how to manage this crap.
Sorry for "putting this out there". Seems like all I come on for is this kind of crap. And I honestly don't know why....ain't that like I have gone out of my way to be friendly with any of you folks...
Truly glad I had a vasectomy when I was 22 or so. Ain't no way passing this crap onto another human being would be fair to them.
Again, I do apologize for venting like this...