5.7 Hemi into an older Suburban?

One thing that stands out to me is this.
"But I am not a gearhead" and this "I was left with no vehicle and no funds to take care of it"

Sell the Hemi drivetrain.
Put a trans in the Suburban and get on with your life.
You'll come out of it with a running vehicle and some extra cash to boot.

JMO of course