Rebuilding a Carr
Rebuilding a Carr, that is great Robert and will help others as mental problems are not uncommon nor are the life events that people don't like to talk about and hence we don't know how to deal with them in healthy ways. Grief (loss) is one of those things, it needs to be resolved completely, which often does not happen as we are conditioned to be tough and move on, but when it is unfinished it causes us and our loved ones to pay later. Very good to see you are on a solid path now.
David, about grief you are completely right.
Let me share a story.
Soon after losing Katie, Mother's Day came. I remember walking into church that day and Sarah was flooded with flowers and hugs and sympathy and love. I was happy for her that she got the recognition.
We walked into church on Father's Day and I was basically treated like a pirriha. I got none of what Sarah got. It was even demanded of me that I carry a TV set into the Sanctuary for the lay leader to make a presentation, when her fat *** husband sat on his ***.
I had no child with me. Sarah was recognized as a mother. I was ignored as a grieving father.
When Sarah would wake up in nightmares at three o'clock in the morning about losing Katie all over again, crying her eyes out about her body failing our baby, who do you think sat there, giving every piece of himself to her to calm her, console her, love her?
When I would wake up from dreams crying my eyes out because I dreamt of holding our baby and I so much wanted the dream to be reality instead of the reality in front of me. No one was there to hold me.
Resentful? Yes. I am.
Now, for some harsh truths that may make me seem like the biggest mother ****** on the face of the planet.
Sarah was selfish. I have a great many examples I could list, but I was treated like a piece of property to do her bidding in our marriage. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't all bad. But when it came time for "us" it was only on her terms.
She brought home over two grand every two weeks. I'd pay the bills out of that and get us on track for buying a house, she'd damn near overdraft us by buying things for herself. And then she'd say she wanted to buy a house and we needed to save money.
Her car was almost paid off, and I wanted to take the car payment and use it towards my projects I was given a flat out "no."
In the meantime I was working in the shop trying to cover all the money she was blowing. Just about all of my paycheck went to things that otherwise should have been taken care of, with the intention that the money I earned covered week to week expenses like gas or emergency things like major car repairs. All gone because she'd go to the used bookstore and buy a hundred dollars worth of books or double - sometimes triple - the food budget for two weeks and not buy a damned thing we needed.
We couldn't make love spontenously. We both had to ****, shower, and shave before I was allowed to touch her. Then, with all the prep work done, she'd be asleep.
I gave her my all. And to a certain extent, that's what I got back. Yet I continued to give her my all.
Fun fact: did you know that over 90% of marriages that suffer the death of a young child ends in divorce? Mine was headed there, it just took longer than most.
A lot was lacking from my marriage after Katie's death.
Men are not allowed to grieve. And with no outlet most will turn to booze or drugs or infidelity. Sometimes any combination of the three. Drugs and alcohol were out of the question for me.
I had the opportunity, many times, to step out. I had women hitting on me -even one or two men - left and right. Most of them very, very tempting. I didn't.
Until one day when this gorgeous 17 year old girl realized how I was looking at her. She was kind. She was attentive. She was beautiful. She was everything my marriage lacked.
I was 39. The adult in the room. I didn't care.
We started a two year affair.
Flipped script again. The preacher turned adulterer.
I am not exonerating myself. My decisions. My **** ups. My consequences to deal with. Think of me what you will. Many have. I've heard it all. And don't think I'm placing all the blame on Sarah. I could fill a book with all the good times we had together.
Guilt. Something I've wrestled with. A pastor friend of mine slapped his hand down on my table and said, "congratulations, Robert, you have just found the
one sin not covered by the Blood of Christ!"
I got what he was saying. I just have out more effort into my marriage. I should have insisted on counseling (actually, I did).
I got back, "we just need to go to church."
The one place I didn't want to go since my hypocrisy does have limits. Make love to my mistress three or four times a week, spend countless hours with her, and then step into church like nothing was wrong.
I looked at it so backwards. God goes with me. He knew. Of course, He knew. You can't hide from God.
I cut my connection with Him. He is always there for me, always loving me, always trying to put me on the right track. I didn't listen.
Of course, God will make the adjustments needed to get us back on track.
I truly believe, as fucked up as it may sound, that He placed this young woman in my life knowing full well where I would be later in life. I stepped on His toes by turning it into a relationship before it was supposed to be.
Like I said earlier, I'm not always a good man. Right now, this all stream if consciousness story telling to find a right and a wrong in my life.
I know there is a mental illness that may or may not have played a role in any of my decision making. The shrink and the therapist and I will figure it all out.