How big of a jerk am I? Or are you?

I stopped reading at the "Hipster dragged...."

It's kick his *** time. Because it is the point of the matter.

Then lock all things on top of the cr in the trunk while you charge a storage a fee. Initial charge is $100 followed by $50 a day for each item. Call the cops as soon as someone bitches. Charge them for body work. Use baseball bat to enforce.