Taming the shift on my trans

When the back steps out, I opposite steer and nail the gas. When it comes full circle, I ease up on the pedal, and steer out of it.
Sometimes I just go into the ditch backwards; it's easier on the oilpan, and if I need a tug, it's already pointing in the right direction.
Sometimes, if she's moving in a clear direction, I just lock all 4 up and scrub some speed off.
Sometimes I have to stop the car , get out, go over to the passenger side, and haul the hysterical passenger out, and leave him on the curb. Ok I made that one up.
But I'm a streeter so speeds are only rarely over 60mph. No "accidents" since 1999.
I only have one pair of under shorts. I'll be 65 next week, but my sphincter is like ..... 21