Need some help, opinions.

Man, you're in a tough spot.
I worked in a Vet's home for 10 years, and we'd often get new residents in that would think the CNA's are maids. That ended real quick.. we're here to help those that need it. We pushed real hard for anyone that can do something for themselves to do so,and often that took more time and patience than just doing it for them. To me, that sounds like what you're dealing with.
Once they'd quit doing stuff for themselves as much as they can, they'd go downhill.

It sounds to me like you've wrestled with this for a while, and it's tearing you apart. It sounds like you know what you need to do for YOU at this point.

I'm not a psychologist or a marriage counselor or anything, so take anything I type with a grain and all that.

Hope things work out for you.