Doug, FWIW...... I understand exactly what you mean. Have been dealing with much the same for over 20 years now. Have not walked the same path as yourself the entire time, but took a different fork in the road some while back and have walked a parallel path since.
Two things we soon learned when I was a young grunt......
1. Do the best you can with what you have.
** I believe you are doing that and are making the best decisions you can, given your circumstances.
2. Learn to live in the moment, for life can be short and this moment may be all you have.
** I believe anyone who must live with constant pain understands living life moment by moment, hour by hour, one day at a time and you are no exception.
You will be fine. Just keep on keepin' on. Put your trust in G-d, your shoulder to the wheel and never say "Never".
In the words of Hans-Ulrich Rudel...... "Only he who gives up on himself is lost." Remember that always.
Morning Harry
Both of your statements could not be more true. Some of us were dealt very miserable hands at birth, but you must play the hand you were dealt. Sitting back and complaining how others are more fortunate than you will get you absolutely no place.
"Learn to live in the moment". I used to work with a guy that had severe back problems. He was wheeled out of work at least once a month in a wheelchair. Rod was a private guy, did not share much with anyone...unless they had something, pain, in common. I spent many hours talking with Rod about suicide, I was honest with him about my attempt. He found it interesting that right at the very moment I squeezed the trigger of that revolver that I was at the most calmest moment in my life. Oddly enough that still applies. More than once, while we were alone in his work area he confessed to me to sitting on the edge of the bed, gun in hand. His wife, who was my boss for quite a while...well...was a very uncaring person. Rod was in severe pain, physically. As I am sure you are well aware of this pain did a number on him mentally as well. Rod, in looking for someone to care about his well being ended up cheating on Susan with multiple women. Confessed the whole thing to Susan. I can remember when Rod told me about confessing to her he said she did not even respond to him. Never did. Rod ended up being forced out of the USPS, just as my wife was...thanks to the now defunct "National Reassessment Program". Over the next couple of years every now & then I would get emails from Rod. Tried calling him several times, he never answered nor did he return my calls.
Fast forward a couple of years and I got a call from a mutual friend, Brian. Brian wanted to make sure that I knew Rod had passed, suicide. Brian was semi-friendly, if you want to call it that, with Susan. Found out that Rod had simply had enough of the pain. Rod was well beyond prescriptions. He confessed to me about grinding up his extended release Oxy and snorting it. For years he was buying cocaine from a fellow USPS employee. Rod had confessed to me that he had done ****** several times, just to escape the pain. Brian told me that Rod had went to the pharmacy and picked up his monthly "fix" of the 4 different pain meds he was on. Also picked up a bottle of whiskey. He went home, swallowed all of the pills and started chugging until he could not. Dead at 51 thanks the pain...
As to me....my clinical trial is technically over. Had my last call last night. Rebecca had me change the settings several times, some worked great, others did not. Last night she had me change the batteries and switch the device to the settings that worked the best for me. Tomorrow I go and turn the device back in, get paid the $1000 for participating in the clinical trial and have the leads removed. Then it is back to suffering. On the 10th I go for my pre-op visit. On the 24th I am scheduled for the permanent device to be implanted. Go back in 2 weeks to get it programmed and powered up. The device is implanted without a charge. Charging it generates heat so I have to wait until the incisions are healed prior to charging it.
Went to Costco the other day with my wife. For as long as I can remember I have leaned on the handle of the Costco cart, it is the perfect height to relieve some of my pain. The other day it was the exact opposite, it made me hurt some. I have noticed that on days where I walk a lot my hips hurt quite a bit. Last week I was at the PT place that saw me in the past, my wife was there for her PT. Joel, my therapist seen me sitting there and sat down, asking about the device. I told him about my hips. He went and found my chart. Asked me to walk. He said that my "weird gait" was no longer present..and that I was standing straight, without the slight forward and to the side lean that I used to have. He told me that the pain is from me now having a more normal gait. I told him I have every intention of coming to see him when I am all healed up. I want him to figure out what type of stretching I will be able to safely do. I am really looking forward to resuming some semblance of normalcy. Being able to train my 5 dogs, going for walks with my camera. I am not really looking forward to the next 5-6 weeks but what happens after will hopefully make it worthwhile.
This is an older video but pretty much explains how it is done.
