Doug, I am glad to hear that the pain management unit was helpful to you. Wish you all the best with it following the permanent implant.
Yes, you are correct...... Life is like a card game in many respects. The important thing to remember is that regardless the hand you are dealt...... What determines the outcome (in life) is not necessarily the hand you are dealt...... Its how you play the hand you are dealt.
I have seen people who were dealt very good hands in life play them poorly....... Throw it all away. And conversely...... I have seen people who have been dealt what most would consider a bad hand...... Play them very well and have a better life than those who were dealt better hands..... But played them poorly.
Sad to learn of your friend's passing, Doug. Especially by his own hand. Myself and other vets who were dealing with PTSD and those same thoughts 30 years ago started a peer group following our unsuccessful attempts to find help from the VA. Quite honestly, I came away from that experience (the VA) frustrated...... The question in my mind being, 'Which was really our most formidable adversary...... Victor Charlie or Victor Alpha?'
I have not been around here posting on the Off Topic forum very long and did not know of your experience with attempted suicide. That being the case, I will share the following, which I sincerely hope will either help or at the very least, give you pause should you ever consider giving in to those impulses......
I learned a few things from my experience with our veterans peer group.
* If you are to survive...... You must have your head screwed on straight. And you weren't going to be able to think clearly nor make rational decisions if self-medicating (drinking & drugs). Anything that is mind altering messes with your brain chemistry and affects your thinking, your judgement and your resolve to one degree or another. Including your resolve to survive. That is why I said in my priour post......
An old cliche, yes. But it really is darkest before the dawn. When the voice in your head tells you to end it all...... Fight it! Never give up on yourself!
* Think of the movie where the guy is crawling through the sand in the desert and gives up just before the crest of the next sand dune. And the movie ends as the camera backs away and upward, showing a busy highway and buildings just over the dune. If only he hadn't given up, he would have made it. Life is like that, as well.
* Consider as well the Christmas movie 'Its A Wonderful Life' with Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. George Bailey (Stewart) has problems. Feels overwhelmed. And as a result, he is thinking of ending it all one Christmas. As the angels discuss George, we see his life in flashback. Then, as George is about to jump from a bridge, he ends up instead...... Rescuing his guardian angel, Clarence.
And Clarence gives George a great gift...... He shows George what his town...... And indeed the world...... Would be like if it hadn't been for him. And George comes to realize that like the ripples in a still lake when a stone is dropped in...... All the lives he has touched and how the world is truly a better place for his having been there. And having realized what a precious thing life is...... George comes to appreciate what he has. There is an old saying...... 'The fortunate man is not the man who has all he wants...... The fortunate man is the man who wants (appreciates) all he has.'
* Another old saying...... 'You can't think your way into right acting...... But you can act your way into right thinking.' I have found this to be true. Its pretty much as my Step-dad used to say...... 'You may as well spit in one hand and sh*t in the other...... And see which one fills up first!' Same rationale.
* If a person is going to get sober and stay that way...... They must believe that at least one other person in this world cares about them. You will notice that I said 'believe', not 'understand' (intellectually). There is a difference.
I can't count the number of times I rec'd a call from another vet at 0-dark thirty in the morning and talked them through things as they went about their apartment retrieving previously hidden pieces of their 1911 handgun and reassembling it whilst we talked with the stated intent of blowing their brains out. All I can tell you is that when you are ready to get clean and sober...... You must participate in your own recovery. The Great Eagle of Sobriety isn't going to swoop over and take a dump on you and cure you.
And part of that is...... When you reach the point where you can help others...... Do so. I don't know how many of those guys and yes, we had a woman vet in our group as well...... Don't know how many I was able to help at least for that one day or night. Or simply by example...... Staying alive myself one more day...... Showing others it can be done. But I realized later that helping others helped me stay sober and kept me alive, as well.
Staying alive is like staying sober, Doug. If you want to stay sober more than you want to drink or drug...... You will. And likewise...... If you want to live more than you want to die...... You will.
Wish you all the best,
Harry
