Some great one liners

My Dad taught me to swim when I was a baby by throwing me into the lake. My only problem was getting untied and out of the bag...

(W.C. Fields) Women are like elephants: They're fun to look at, but you wouldn't want to own one.

My ex is really hard on cars- every time I see her, my brakes fail and the throttle sticks wide open.

When I die, I want to go like my Grandpa- peacefully, in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

And my all time classic favorite:
I miss my ex- but my aim IS improving.