ACT 1 SCENE 1
FADE INTO SHOT OF PLANET EARTH
CUE VOICE OVER
In the dark, dystopian future of 2020, on planet Covid-19, the world was burning. (I mean it is Texas, and summertime) People were wearing masks (well sorta), taking food to go and hoarding toilet paper. The world came to be run by the controlling class of "essentials" working dozens of hours a day, with no time for anything else, your author included. Projects lag. Weight is gained. Frustration mounts. The more fortunate people sat at home and collected $600 extra a month to play Xbox. It was a confusing time. It was a bleak time. A time in where there were but two glimmers of hope.
To go cups of magic party liquor, and one patient '66 Plymouth Valiant. Hi again Mr. Valiant, good ta see ya.
View attachment 1715558690
Here we continue the Valiant's tale.
When we last left our intrepid explorer, he had just finished stabbing a jewel in the Valiant's butt and turned his attention towards the floors. Let's join that story, already in progress.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT SHOP. RISING SUN REFLECTING ON FRONT BUMPER;
'66 PLYMOUTH. RUSH - LA VILLA STRANGIATO PLAYS.
As you remember, the front floors of my Plymouth were much akin to the automotive version of swiss cheese and were about as solid as a water bed during a 1970's era coke fueled orgy. Much like the memories of those days, these floors gotta go.
(editors note: Coca-Cola, and the author was like 5 in the 70's)
View attachment 1715558740
View attachment 1715558691
Pro tip: For this job you will need a very precise set of premier tools.* This will guarantee your absolute success!** Get on my tool level.***
*not premier tools
**fake news
***I have no level. I don't honestly know what that means.
View attachment 1715558692
Before we go any further, you should know, I am not a professional. I do not play one on TV. I don’t even watch professional people fix cars. I cant even spell car. So that being said, Immaboutta (that a word?) do my best. You don’t like it? See the lady up front for your money back on your way out.
BUT
I do like tips and constructive criticism. Okay anyone left? Couple back in the corner? Good. Return your seats to the upright position, and fasten your belts. It’s a short flight, but may be entertaining.
View attachment 1715558693
So gathering all my nerve, and some new cut off wheels, I started the slow, arduous process of removing the old metal. Some of it came just right on out. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Mostly because it was falling out already. I didn’t so much as cut it out, as basically assist nature in removing it.
Ill be honest, most of it was me being worried about cutting out too much, so I cut out too little, then went back and cut more. I probably could have been a bit more brazen with my old floor removal, but several things occurred to me at once.
· I like my fingers, yes, all ten.
· I also like my eyesight.
· Why the rush?
So with those three things in my head, I continued to plug away most of the day removing the floor. The tough parts came when I had to break, bend, chip and chisel the metal off the cross member and supports. That stuff did not wanna give up the ghost. But I am persistent. My teachers would say stubborn. My ex-wife would say bullheaded.
(And other unmentionables. – Ed.)
But they aren’t here, so I care not for their opinions. I talk too much. Time for pics in no particular order.
View attachment 1715558694
View attachment 1715558741
View attachment 1715558742
In my quasi haste, I nearly cut that. I came very close.
View attachment 1715558695
After several hours of patient cutting, trimming, measuring, cutting again, swearing and sweating. I had a hole I was proud of.
*insert off color joke here*
View attachment 1715558696
Time to repeat the process on the MUCH worse drivers side. Although, argument could be made that its much better, since there is less floor to cut. I may have to think on that one a bit. For the sake of brevity, lets just fast forward a bit, eh? One thing of note I should mention is my oft mentioned hatred of bees, wasps, any form of flying @sshole. Well once again, I found myself having to rehome this precious, delicate species. I dunno how they even got in there, then it hit me!
I don’t care.
Out they go and destruction continues!
View attachment 1715558697
View attachment 1715558698
View attachment 1715558699
Hmm. Trim around this or remove and use the new metal with new holes? Thinking its gonna go bye bye.
View attachment 1715558700
Well the day drew long, I got hot and tired, and I took less pics. I think you get the picture. Many apologies. But when its dusk and a quick glance over your very dirty shoulder makes the Plymouth resemble a floating spaceship plus you then begin to observe an odor best described as rust and armpit singing an off key duet, its probably time to go.
So as I decided I didn’t want to attend this hellish opera any longer, I closed up shop and went in search of a much needed a shower and a cold drink. Possibly simultaneously. That means tomorrow is another day, chock full of opportunities to mess something up on a Grand Mal scale. Can't wait.
Until then Constant Reader, until then.
View attachment 1715558701
TRANSITION TO OVER HEAD SHOT OF DUSTY PICKUP LEAVING SHOP, ELBOW ON WINDOW SILL. FOLLOW FROM A DISTANCE, GAINING ALTITUDE. FADE OUT.
END SCENE.
Join us tomorrow as our intrepid explorer woos the alien women on planet DEMDAMNSHINYNEWFLOS.
Next on: "One broke fool and his Plymouth!"
Only on Espn 8 ~ The Ocho.
View attachment 1715558702
