I quit quitting. Really bothers me to say that. But a lot went into my decision. Not sure how much of what I have taken out is going to end up back in.
I have realized that I have thrown to many things at myself at once. Started physical therapy. For the first time in my life I
WANT to go. My therapist is convinced that I have the absolute tightest hamstrings he has ever seen. Has me stretching them, all three directions, on my back using a strap. This is embarrassing to say but even these simple stretches make my hips and back hurt...a lot. Or so I think, the pain may very well be from the Oxy reduction. Which is one of the many reasons I have decided to hold off on getting off this crap. Before I start wandering I would like to thank all that left a comment here.
One of the reasons I have decided to get back on them is I see my Pain doc in about 6 weeks for a follow up on the Vertiflex. With how bad I hurt it is going to be impossible for me to give him an honest assessment of how much the Vertiflex has helped. Prior to me getting off of the meds I walked about 2 miles thru several parking lots. Now....well...the garage, which is about 80' is about as far as I can make it. But...there is another "thing" involved here.
My therapist noticed that I have a short leg. He actually noticed this when I saw him in 2018 but the pain clinic I was seeing at the time dismissed it as causing any issues. I had a lift put in a pair of hiking boots but never really gave it a chance to see if it helped.
Well...I now have 3 pairs of hiking boots, a pair of Redwings and a pair of, as my loving wife calls them, "Jesus sandals....aka Birkenstocks. I have never realized how big 5/8 of an inch actually is....
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Anyway...I am thinking that I have had this short leg my whole 54 years. It is going to take more then a day or two to get used to walking with level hips for it not to cause me to hurt from it being something "different" for my back.
So....and this pains me very much to say....I quit. I have thrown to many things at myself at once to know what is what. I can handle the nausea. I can handle the sleep issues...I am having some very vivid dreams....of all the people I have done harm to over the years. Sadly many of these folks have passed on...so "making amends" to them simply is not possible. Am talking to a shrink, actually 2, about this. I can handle the broken internal t-stat....I go from being chilled to the bone to seating like I ate a Carolina Reaper pepper at least 6-7 time an hour. What I can't handle is the incredible amount of pain I am in. And not being able to tell what the cause is. Is it something new going on in my back? Is it from having level hips for the first time in 54 years? Is it the fact that I actually still physically NEED the Oxy? Or is it just simply the pain of withdrawal?
Then there is, and this may sound a bit childish....but for the first time since being forced into disability because of my often severe mental health bs I feel like I have a purpose. Again....this may sound very insignificant to some but my web site has replaced the media link on the Spokane County Raceway web site. I have been thanked by several dozen people for my work at the track. I got a phone call today, which I did not answer because I was outside trying to get our dinner started, from the Craig, the promoter at SCR. He left me a message, wishing me and the Boss a Merry Christmas....and told me he wants to talk with me about me being added as an Administrator to the tracks web site. I know for most this will seem so insignificant it is not worth even talking about but to me it is. And knowing that my services are being counted on....well...it means a lot to me. And given my present state....well.....I would not be able to even make a half hour trackside with my camera gear.
So the plan is to ad 5mg back into my medication box every few days until I am back up to 60mg, which is pretty much what I have been living on. Some days I was taking 80, but ever since having the Vertiflex put in I have been on 60mg. If this stops all the hallucinations...and the not knowing where I am....few days ago I had to go town. We recycle...but we have to take it to a place in town. First stop for the day was the recycling center. I was driving down Highway 2, west of the recycling center and sore that I had already traveled east of it. I pulled over, got out of my truck and was looking around trying to figure out where I was. I was so sure I had passed the turn...which would have put me on the divided part of Highway 2 (I was on the section that is not) that I turned around and headed west. I drove about 3 miles before I realized I was now heading the wrong direction then I am going to stay on that dose until I go see the pain doc in February as I really do need to be able to give him an honest assessment of how I am feeling. Once I see him I will then pull 1 5mg pill out a month.
I am going to talk with both my shrinks...and all my docs about finding a support group of sorts. I am convinced that this problem is far more then I can deal with on my own.
So...for now...I am going to pull the plug on getting off the Oxy. I so desperately want to be free of them but, at least for now, that is not going to happen. I realized that my end goal....getting off of the oral meds, no matter what I had to endure....so that I could have a pain pump put in (if necessary)....well..I realized that I had developed tunnel vision of sorts...
I quit...it is very painful for me to say this. I have spent a while in tears today. If my Dad were still alive he would be very disappointed with me. He did not raise me to be a quitter. Which is really making this decision very hard for me to accept....
Apologies for rambling...
