airplane tech gripes

UPS .......
>
> Just in case you need a laugh:
>
> Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a
>
> high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly
> routinely in our jobs.
>
>
>
> After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
> which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
> correct the problems, document their repairs on >the form, and then pilots
> review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
> ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
> complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
>
> recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
>
>
>
> By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
> accident.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
>
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
>
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit
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> S: Something tightened in cockpit
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> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
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> S: Live bugs on
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> back-order.
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>
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
>
> descent
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> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
>
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> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
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> S: Evidence removed.
>
>
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> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
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> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
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>
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> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
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> S: That's what friction locks are for.
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>
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> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
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> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
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>
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> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
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> S: Suspect you're right.
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>
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> P: Number 3 engine missing.
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> S: Engine found on right
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> wing after brief search.
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>
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
>
> S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
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>
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> P: Target radar hums.
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> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
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>
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> P: Mouse in cockpit.
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> S: Cat installed.
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> And the best one for last..................
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>
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> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
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> pounding on something with a hammer.
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> S: Took hammer away
>
> from midget.
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>