eBay 101... instructions to bid intelligently (with humor attached)

Okay kiddies... Here in Ebay 101, we will learn these:

Tasks:


how to properly bid for an item
when to properly bid for an item
and to understand your biddling limitations

Conditions:


Your computer environment/office
Your brain and any common sense that you (hopefully) will bring to the table

Standards:


These rules should be implemented by all novice, intermediate and experienced Ebay bidders when it comes to Mopar related auction items.
The individual will have developed a basic understanding of the proper bidding procedures on Ebay
Any future bids by the individual will be done accomplished with intelligence instead of blatant stupidity


1. How to properly bid for an item

To properly bid on an item, there are some criteria you must first realize.

a. does the item have a reserve?
b. is there a buy it now option?
c. will the seller ship the item or is it "local pickup only"?
d. what is the seller's feedback rating

These four concepts will be able to guide you through any bidding quandries. But let us first address the first concept:

a. "does the item have a reserve?".

This concept is the most dastardly of all. You see, some Ebay bidders think that Ebay is an actual auction place and each day we must outbid our fellow opponents/competitors to show who has the bigger ego or more pride. But nay!!! this is not the case at all! There is nowhere in the Ebay rules and regulations that states you must keep increasing the price of the item because you feel your "manlihood" is in question. Nor, does it say that you have to pay the highest price for the item or a price that is commensurable with the current economical pricing of that item. Matter of fact, this is a scary concept, but you are actually allowed to pay for an item on Ebay that can be below the market price!!!! Yes, I know its strange, but it can happen.

The key to this concept is to realize that if an auction has 7 days left on it. You are not required by law or Ebay regulation to keep raising the darn price of the auction. Why even bid? Just wait until the last second like the really smart Ebay bidders and snipe the damn thing for the cheapest possible price? DING DING DING! IMPORTANT STATEMENT CLASS, YOU WILL BE TESTED ON THAT LATER.

b. "Is there a buy it now option?": If there is a buy it now option and there is no reserve on the item, you have one or two options. You can do the minimum bid and hope that the auction sells for as cheap as possible, or you can click on the buy it now and pay for the item. If you click on the buy it now, you better at least have asked others (if you dont know) if the price that is being offered is commensurate with the current market price of the auction item. If you do not and you pay too much for it. I do not want to see a thread crying "oh woes me" because you read these instructions hence I will just say "I told you so." As I hope others with follow suit.

Now if you choose to just bid on the item at the lowest possible bid, you take your chances of some jerkwads bidding up the price because they didnt read rule #1. Good luck and God's Speed on that one.

c. “Will the seller ship the item or is it local pick-up only?”: This is a no-brainer in some regards, but it is easily remedied with the understanding of the English language, its context, and the ability to read from left to right. There is an area on the auction ad that states whether or not the seller will ship the item. I know that this can be somewhat confusing and all, so please pay attention. If the seller says “local pick-up only” that does not mean he has a pick-up at his house and the part is in the bed of said pick-up. Nor does it mean that if you bribe the seller with an extra $20 that you planned initially to spend at the local titty bar, that he would be willing to ship that 650 lb 440 block from Maine to California. This statement means that if you want the item, bring your happy nappy butt to the seller’s location and pick it up yourself.

If the seller states that he will ship the item, then do yourself and him/herself a big favor and email ahead to ask for the shipping costs to your location. Not only does this make you a more informed consumer, but you can possibly budget your purchase accordingly and not have to back out because you will not be able to afford that 6 pack of PBR. If the auction ad has a calculate shipping cost button on it already, then do yourself another favor and click on the damn thing. Believe it or not, it will actually tell you how much the seller is charging to ship the item to your exact location. ALL BY PUSHING A BUTTON!!! AMAZING!

d. “What is the seller’s feedback rating?”: If you are able to click on the number next to the seller’s Ebay ID you will be able to witness a glorious amount of information that allows for you to again, become an informed consumer. If the seller has 200 feedback applied to his/her account and his feedback percentage rating is 85% and you bid and win and one their auctions and the item never comes to your door. You may want to post a thread that you were SCAMMED in the forum. Do us all a favor would you? Go outside and find the nearest piece of 6” thick concrete. Lay down flat with your face towards the concrete and commence to raising your head and dropping it without any resistance to gravity. That, hopefully, will save me the time in reading your post about something you could have prevented. Thanks!

2. When should you bid on an item

You should only bid on an Ebay auction item when:

a. You have the money to pay for the item and its not in two weeks from the auction ending date (unless you have prior consent from the seller)
b. You actually have researched the item, this includes identifying all part numbers shown as to be applicable to your desired project
c. You know how to read

I don’t think I need to say anything more about that.

3. Understanding your bidding limitations

There are many Ebay’ers out there that do not understand the legalities of Ebay. Suffice it to say; they assume that the Ebay website is just another freeware style of gaming site and that their bidding practices are nothing more than trying to raise their points like in Galaga.

Well, this is not the case at all! Ebay and the auctions it has actually have certain federal and state legalities that can be used to either enforce a purchase or bring forth civil/criminal charges.

If you are one of these type of bidders, just do not bid because you can be legally held accountable for your actions:

a. A shill bidder
b. A seller bidding on their own auctions
c. A dumba55 who keeps bidding up the price because they are trying to make up for lack in genital size. (okay that is not against the law, but it needed to be stated).

4. In closing: I hope that you find these rules as being enlightening and intuitive. If you follow these simple rules, you too can become an educated Ebay bidder. Your experiences on Ebay will be less frustrating as well as the experiences of the other Ebay bidders that would have to put up with your pathetic and ignorant Ebay bids had you not read this.

Life is short and so are all those darn NOS pieces out there that only cost 25 cents when first built. Let us all view these tiny plastic pieces for what they are and realize that bidding each day to show up your Ebay competitors, that you will never see in your entire life is not the solution, it is just part of the problem.

Mopar prices are high enough already. We Ebay bidders should become more intelligent and realize that we control the price of the items, not the sellers.

Good luck and God Speed!!!!