1. nothingbutdarts

    nothingbutdarts Well-Known Member

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    I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM THE SUPERMARKET

    Yesterday I was at my local supermarket store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from the supermarket.
     
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    • Treblig

      Treblig Well-Known Member

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      I'm surprised you didn't hump her leg right there in the check out lane????:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::poke:
       
    • pishta

      pishta I know I'm right....

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      My Dad used to chew milk bone dog biscuits as a kid. Don't know why, never asked him but he was dirt poor growing up in Cleveland. Mom worked in an orphanage.....?
       
    • 67Dart273

      67Dart273 FABO Gold Member FABO Gold Member

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      LOL THIS one is TRUE

      One time some woman was being an irritant, one of these fidgety types that can't just stand there and be in line, and she looks at me and says something like "so how is your life going?"

      And I told her "I don't know yet I just got out of jail for a false charge of attempted murder"

      She got an odd look, shut her mouth, turned around, and said no more!!!
       
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      • diymirage

        diymirage HP@idle > hondaHP@redline

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        a few years ago i was at the mall, here in michigan
        (it has since been torn down)

        i used to call it the zombie mall, because it always reminded me of those zombie movies where people lock themselves in the mall and its dark and quiet, only a hand full of people and all the store were closed

        thats pretty much how this place was, most of the stores were closed and most of the people there were mallwalkers (generally older people who just walk around for exercise and like doing that in the mall where they are dry and warm, or cool in the summer)

        anyway, i was at the mall with my kids because it had a play area so id let the kids play while i read a book or chatted with some of the moms who went there

        so im sitting there chatting with this mom and my kids are there, her kids are there and about half a dozen other kids whose parents were no where to be found

        at some point the lady looks at those kids, then looks at me and says "i cant believe some parents, just leaving their kids here unattended"

        and i said "no kidding, i snatched these two up in a mall just like this right outside of Pittsburgh"

        wasnt long after that she decided to pack up and leave
         
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        • barbee6043

          barbee6043 barbee 6043 FABO Gold Member

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          My dad was so poor he shut off the engine in his 49 Chevy and tried to coast down the hill. Problem was there were so few hills in SW Ga. This was back in the 60s and gas was $.29 a gal. unless a price war, then it was like $.17
          I thought fried bolona was pretty cool! Used that on tomato sandwiches when no bacon.
           
        • Treblig

          Treblig Well-Known Member

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          We were only allowed to eat at breakfast lunch and dinner (many times no lunch). Me being a skinny, high energy young buck I was always hungry. I would steal 4/5 slices of bread from the kitchen when my Mom was not there and take them behind the garage and eat them. I would spend most of the day jumping people's fences to take peaches, Chinese plums, pomagranates, figs or whatever I could find to eat. I could never get enough food. We were poor and ate whatever we could find. To this day I am still skinny and can eat like a horse!!!
           
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          • Slowswinger

            Slowswinger Well-Known Member

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            That is a good one!
             
          • Ahoey

            Ahoey Well-Known Member

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            One day near Xmas I was sitting in the mall waiting for my wife. There was a punk sitting on the bench across the mall from me. He had dyed his hair green, orange, blue, and red in stripes. I guess I must have been staring at him in disbelief. He got up stormed up to me and said what the f... you looking at. I looked at him and replied I thought that was the point. He stood there for a sec then stormed off. The two guys on the next bench just cracked up
             
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            • Mark Wainwright

              Mark Wainwright Well-Known Member

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              Should have said " I had sex with a Parrot several years ago and thought you were my son" lol
               
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              • Ahoey

                Ahoey Well-Known Member

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                Lmao
                 
              • grampyjay

                grampyjay FABO Gold Member FABO Gold Member

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                20 years or so ago my wife and I were driving our motor home from northern Wisconsin to Rochester NY. We cut across southern Ontario. I took a wrong turn and went a bit out of our way. Well, I had to stop for gas in Canada and I pumped my gas and went to the booth to pay. Something came over me, and I asked the attendant if there was anything different I had to do to drive on liters. He gave me a blank look. I told him I was only asking because I had only driven it on gallons. The blank look continued. I then told him I was just joking and he looked so relieved! He apparently was too nice to tell me straight out that I was a moron!
                 
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                • nothingbutdarts

                  nothingbutdarts Well-Known Member

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                  A father passing by his son's bedroom Noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Josh P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home
                   
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                  • barbee6043

                    barbee6043 barbee 6043 FABO Gold Member

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                    I told my Mom right before I got my last belt whipping ( age 15 as I remember) that "I knew I was wrong and it was bad enough.......but....... look at it this way...I have never klled anyone". True story.
                     
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                    • mbaird

                      mbaird mbaird

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                      Does that mean the rest of your posts were not true ? Lol
                       
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                      • Ahoey

                        Ahoey Well-Known Member

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                        Parents took me and my sis on a driving holiday to Arizona when we were kids. Dad pulled in to fuel up and the attendant asked my dad what those plastic panels on the windows were (frost shields) my dad told him up in Canada was still like the old west and those panels made the windows bullet proof. Can’t remember if dad told him it was a joke or not.
                         
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                        • Ahoey

                          Ahoey Well-Known Member

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                          Around the same age my dad and I were in the shop. I had done something not good can’t remember what only that it was not good. He raised his hand to cuff up side the head I caught his hand in mid flight and lowered it looked him in the eye and walked out never happened again.
                           
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                          • go-fish

                            go-fish Well-Known Member

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                            When I was 18 my Dad and I were cleaning the wood burning stove and chimney and I suggested we do something different than the way he was wanting to do it. So he went to the garage to grab something and I proceeded to start doing it my way, which would have been much cleaner.

                            He got all kinds of pissed off, grabbed me up, and hustled me to that back sliding glass door. I opened up the door with him following and he kicked me in the butt. My back arched and head snapped back as I stumbled down the one 6" step onto the back patio. No sooner than I came to a stop I turned around, fist cocked, and punched him right in the nose.

                            He wasn't even out of the door when I clocked him. He just slid the glass door shut with one hand, the other hand holding his nose. I stayed outside and my Mom came out to tell me, "Your father is sorry.". We have never spoken about that incident. It was one of those things that just happened and it set the tone for our relationship ever since. I guess that was the day that I became a man. Afterward and since, if there was ever some sort of disagreement we handled it like adults, not a father and child.

                            Backstory on him is he had a very abusive alcoholic father. He wasn't a drinker but he was prone to losing his temper. He would beat the piss out of a horse for not standing still. Us kids almost always got the belt but there were other times we got the fist. That day I decided I wasn't going to have that anymore. I drew the line at getting booted in the ass. That was a fighting action not a disciplinary action.

                            He's the one that got me into Mopars and we have a fine relationship today. That was just that moment where he realized I would hit back.
                             
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                            • Ahoey

                              Ahoey Well-Known Member

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                              Sounds really familiar
                               
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                              • diymirage

                                diymirage HP@idle > hondaHP@redline

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                                i spank all my kids when they need it (and even the wife, when i need it, but thats a different story) and it always goes the same

                                i explain to them what they did to deserve it, and then they need to submit to the punishment

                                i never force them across my lap, they place themselves there
                                that is just one way to keep me from ever acting out of anger


                                and to be perfectly clear, my oldest is 11 now, and a black belt working towards his 2nd degree...i dont think id want to raise my hand to him in anger, it might not end well for me
                                 
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