Marriage/relationship question

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340john

340john

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We have descussed many topics on this board. Everything from births to death, weddings to divorce, windfalls to forclosure and the list goes on. I have a serious question and I want to ask my family here at FABO. I know every relationship goes through a "down cycle", a time when you are not as intimate as you once were, but when does it become not normal ? I mean, at what point do you say it has been too long and enough is enough ? There aren't any medical issue's proventing it, everything else is fine, there is just no intimacy.
 
This is just my opinion, but if it has gone on for quite a while....lets say 6 months or more, then there are other "reasons" behind the lack of intimacy. Again just my opinion, but I think if that is the case, something is not being communicated. Sorry to hear, and with communication anything can be worked out. Good luck and all the best
 
I would buy her flowers, maybe go to a movie, favorite box of chocolates, etc and a lot of begging too.
 
I think a marriage is one thing, and a relationship is another. If you are in a marriage your wife should be the one you are asking the questions of. If you reach the long enough for you, then that is long enough. Your wifes long enough is just different. You need to work it out.

In a relationship, I would try to figure out who or what has replaced the intimacy.
 
Well 340John, your question has many answers, most likely a combination of many things. You say there are no medical issues but it's a fact that as we older, we lose some degree of desire. I am no expert and I certainly wouldn't presume that because I have been married a long time, it was the result of anything I did right. But it can be related to your environment, stress, boredom, money problems, a reduction in hormone production, dependency on vices, etc. Where it came naturally years ago, you have to work at intimacy later in a relationship. I think it best to examine what is important to you and what is important to her and make sure there is a balance there. Don't take her for granted. I struggled with this for many years while we were raising children and paying bills. Now that things are easing up a bit, we have started to travel a little bit. Nothing exotic or expensive, just fun stuff we were not able to ever do before. Hiking, snow mobiling, sight seeing, just short trips twice a year but enough to give us something to look forward to and to reminisce about later. I feel my wife and I have become closer because of it. We now look forward to the next trip and enjoy each other more. That may or may not work for you and maybe you need a different solution.

I'll offer a prayer for you and your wife. Don't give up. Jeff
 
not to plant a seed (no pun intended) but the last time that happened to me , i discovered she had found another interest (without her knowing it) and i packed my bags. age can have everything to do with drive, and as already stated, stress, money etc.etc. you need to sit her down and have a heart to heart.

im sure facebook doesnt help matters LOL
 
I agree with Magnumdart in the regards to "who" or what may have replaced the intimacy. In my last relationship it was a "who" and he was definetly a night owl who was flying around my barn when I was working second shift. So that was my situation, not saying that's yours, but all the signs were there and I experienced the same similar issues that you are going through. To little to none at all. When asked, it was "don't feel good or not in the mood or issues at work" Always some reason. Drove me nuts. I too, left and never went back.

I hope yours is different and that the two of you can get it "together" soon and get back on track. Good luck!
 
I personally feel that intimacy is an extremely important part of a relationship. It is a way to show your love to one another and it also helps to bring you closer together spiritually as well as physically. Eventually, for most of us, as we age, the drive is not as strong as it once was, but if there has been no intimacy for more than a few months, then a couple starts to lose that special bond they once had. This can lead to feelings of mistrust and other mixed emotions, which can start to break a marriage down.

I wish you the best of luck during this hard time. I also urge you to communicate how you are feeling to your spouse and try and work it out. Try to re-capture the special feelings you once shared for eachother and remember that there are always ups and downs in a relationship and a couple who survives through the tough times, always comes out being stronger in the end!
 
Sit down and have a good talk with her, sound's like you have a great marriage with a little twist in the road that can be straitened out with a little work. Find out what she wants and tell her what you want, fantasies ect.
We have been married 38 years and at a ring of a bell we are ready to get it on, or should I say take it off. That comes with knowing what each other want's or needs Things change over the years together and you have to make changes right along with it.

Kenny
 
Hemiroid said:
Sit down and have a good talk with her, sound's like you have a great marriage with a little twist in the road that can be straitened out with a little work. Find out what she wants and tell her what you want, fantasies ect.
We have been married 38 years and at a ring of a bell we are ready to get it on, or should I say take it off. That comes with knowing what each other want's or needs Things change over the years together and you have to make changes right along with it.

Kenny
Click to expand...
bingo well said Kenny:burnout:
 
Sex is huge,what worksssssssssssssss for us Cindy will dress up like a slut for me,I cant keep my hands off her,or I will tell her I want to see a slut,sounds crude but ya got to do what works.Good luck,Ps as said you must talk openly.
 
magnumdart said:
I think a marriage is one thing, and a relationship is another. If you are in a marriage your wife should be the one you are asking the questions of. If you reach the long enough for you, then that is long enough. Your wifes long enough is just different. You need to work it out.

In a relationship, I would try to figure out who or what has replaced the intimacy.
Click to expand...

I don't think that a marriage and a relationship are two different things. You have to work on a marriage just like you work on a relationship - whether it's with someone of the same sex as you or the opposite sex. You get together with the guys to do what - work on cars, golf, or whatever - things you like to do together. You do the same thing with your girlfriend or wife - you do things that you both like doing - especially while you are dating. That needs to be kept up after you are married, or you will fall apart from each other.

My wife and I have tried to keep Date Nights as part of our marriage. It's hard with the kids, and sometimes they are far and few between, but sometimes you need to make the effort. I'm lucky to have my parents close by who will watch their grandchildren as often as we ask them to, so we have built in baby sitters(cheap too!) but when the money is tight, it's hard to do anything. But you have to - even if it's just a dinner at a local restaurant. My mom calls it quality time with her grandchildren!

Just my two cents worth.
 
I was thinking at first you wouldn't get much of a response to this, that not many would want to discuss this. I have since changed my mind, and I see this going downhill fast.

Not in response to you de69cuda
 
Ive been married for 23 years. There are definitely ups and downs in that department. Women are different than men, they need to feel loved, cherished etc, etc, etc before their switch goes on in that area. With kids it gets really complicated and the business of life will get in the way. I am not the best at this but you need to spend time with your spouse making her believe she is the most important thing in your world. Easy to say, hard to do........
 
Intimacy starts with trust. I'm not saying anybody has done anything dishonest or wrong. Sometimes it's confidence in your partner or yourself, other times it may be in fear of what you might think or how you may react. No easy answers here. Spend as much time together as you can but leave each other their private space. Everybody needs that & no 2 are the same. Sometimes more can be accomplished without saying much at all. But tell her you love her & leave it at that every once in a while. Don't push for answers or a cause. Men & women need intimacy at different times & for different reasons. We tend to need it for a reward & they need it for security sometimes. Sometimes we just NEED it!! Don't fall into a trap of letting your mind or people tell you something worse is happening. It actually may be she is very happy with things with you & doesn't need it as much right now. She is secure & content.
I hope for the best for you.
 
I read a lot of good points here. One thing I learned is that if you are too involved in another activity that your wife may been feeling like she is being played as a second fiddle. It could be your job, your car, the internet, hanging out with friends, drinking or anything that is robbing too much time and/or money from your relationship. Date night is a wonderful thing, we do it when ever we can and it doesn't have to be expensive just something you both enjoy. When the romance is gone out of the relationship the intimacy is sure to follow. Anything causing her stress will cause the intimacy to suffer. There is an old saying "If momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy".
 
Thank you for your insight and opinions. I truelly apprieciate the way you all have handled this question. Let me hit on some points, as for helping around the house, I do the cooking. All meals, everyday. I take care of the yard and other household chores. As for romance, I write her poems, give her cards and flowers. As for another interest, we both work the same schedule and are home every night together. We talk about it and she say's "I want to,and we will but not now... soon" I love her with all my heart, but this needs to change.
 
Everybody's hormones in check? Vitamin levels as well? Sex drive tends to head towards the crapper as we age......
 
Maybe you should stop doing some of the things that you do for her to appreciate you more. Maybe cut out all the meals, laundry etc. It sounds like you are doing most everything around the house. What does she do with her time? Some appreciation needs to go the other way towards you is my thoughts on it. Sounds like it is a one sided relationship. I had my best friend go through the same thing. He did everything around the house, made alot more $$ than her too, it did not end well.
 
x2!! It has to go both ways or it will go one way, and that will be down the crapper eventually. I've always said that women (not all) are like cats. They love things that peek their curiosity and that they have to pursue somewhat. Cats for the most part want to be petted when "they" want it. If you're doing all the stuff that is generally being shared somewhat in most relationships, then she (cat) might be getting a little bored or over confident with your giving nature and not so interested in getting close.

Time will tell the tale!

Good luck!
 
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