Tools Explained

Shop, Garage and Tools

  1. Trevor B

    Trevor B FABO Gold Member FABO Gold Member

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    TOOLS EXPLAINED

    DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t.' Also used to dust work area with liberal sprinkling of tiny, wiry, wires, which you only find much later sticking out of your scalp as you cut your finger washing your hair!

    DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

    TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. Also known as the shop beer bottle opener.

    PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

    Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
     
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    • Treblig

      Treblig Well-Known Member

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      AHhhh! The "son of a bitch tool" (when thrown at high speeds) will frequently bounce off of hard object and come back only to hit you in the ankle, ribs or some other vulnerable place!:mad::poke:
       
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      • 69conv

        69conv error 401 FABO Gold Member

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        Can I add the extension swivel necessary in converting rotational torque into knuckle busting lateral force when least expected. Available in 3 sizes!
         
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        • krazykuda

          krazykuda Well-Known Member FABO Gold Member How-To Section Editor

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          .
          Hoist.jpg
           
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          • 69conv

            69conv error 401 FABO Gold Member

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            The random tool cloaking device is produced when a tool box is in the proximity of and automobile and results in tools temporarily disappearing from where you put them down. This field becomes stronger the longer you work on the car, the later at night and can substantially strengthened with the aid of alcohol.
             
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            • Lord Sparky

              Lord Sparky Well-Known Member

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              Hilarious! Got a good belly laugh!
               
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              • Lord Sparky

                Lord Sparky Well-Known Member

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                I once used the Son Of A Bitch tool to smash the hood of my 1969 Dodge Dart. This was back in the '70s before they were beloved relics.
                 
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                • rbkt65

                  rbkt65 FABO Gold Member FABO Gold Member

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                  one more sob tool: battery operated drill/grinder/sawzall. when picked to use battery is always dead/almost dead/or son has it.
                   
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                  • 69conv

                    69conv error 401 FABO Gold Member

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                    I have 3 sons so I tripled my odds!
                     
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                    • barbee6043

                      barbee6043 barbee 6043 FABO Gold Member

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                      Tool: Pump up herbicide sprayer, can be the 1 gal or 2 gal , either works to spry diesel on the huge brush piles loaded with a few old tires for extra heat. As you spray the wind blows some back on your shirt, it is winter so it is flannel. So you light it off and go back to old car work. Cutting of some sheet metal with the cut off wheel, no doubt, sends sparks back on the shirt which just yesterday got a good dose of diesel spray. Poof!!! Course, you are doing all this outside in the wind. Slapping it our with your cap just fans it more. Burn. Burn. Burn. Maybe rollover on the et ground?
                      Who need those arm hairs, eyebrows, etc anyway??????
                       
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                      • Garrett Ellison

                        Garrett Ellison Amateur driver on public roadway, do not imitate.. FABO Gold Member

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                        From the files of Rick "Super Hunky" Sieman; "Trouble light: A tool used to consume 75 and and 100 watt light bulbs at the same frequency as a 115mm howitzer would consume shells at the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, the name is somewhat misleading."
                         
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                        • thesiren74

                          thesiren74 Well-Known Member

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                          Awesome!!
                           
                        • trapster

                          trapster Well-Known Member

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                          Breaker Bar : self explanatory, Used to break off that stud that has a stuck nut on it.
                           
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                          • sabre67

                            sabre67 FABO Gold Member FABO Gold Member

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                            the son of a bitch tool usually has blood on it
                             
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                            • Red63440

                              Red63440 Olddawg

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                              I had a table saw that brought tears to my eyes........two times. The first time it was because it kicked back a burl from a tree on Thanksgiving morning, I looked like WC Fields at the dinner table. Second time it kicked back a 1"x 6" piece of oak which hit me so hard it broke my upper plate in half.

                              th.jpg
                               
                            • Lefty71

                              Lefty71 Well-Known Member

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                              Wow!! Thats a name from the past..... makes me want to go out and see if the old CZ will fire up. :thankyou:
                               
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                              • dartfreak75

                                dartfreak75 Restore it, Dont part it! FABO Gold Member

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                                Hahaha I got a good laugh at this thank you!
                                 
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                                • dartfreak75

                                  dartfreak75 Restore it, Dont part it! FABO Gold Member

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                                  The hacksaw one really cracked me up! Because it's so damn true haha
                                   
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                                  • pishta

                                    pishta I know I'm right....

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                                    Plasma cutter: Perfect tool to cause blindness, or to use in a completely blind manner because you cant see your guide lines. Also used to ignite whatever is under the workpiece as well as create a cut that is so gnarly as to guarantee more time on a grinder than would just using a cut off wheel in the first place.
                                     
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                                    • Stephen Morrow

                                      Stephen Morrow New Member

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                                      HAHAH! I died!
                                       
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                                      • Garrett Ellison

                                        Garrett Ellison Amateur driver on public roadway, do not imitate.. FABO Gold Member

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                                        FWIW, I have a friend with an eight inch wire wheel brush mounted to an old washing machine capacitor start, capacitor run motor with no guard of any kind. Just a big wire wheel of death hanging off the end of the bench spinning at very high rpm. Probably the single most dangerous power driven anything I have ever ran, I haven't been able to make it stall or even slow down no matter what I pressed into it until sparks and brush bristles were flying. I call it "No Conscience", one slip up and I'm pretty sure somebody's going to the nearest ER.
                                         
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                                        • SpeedThrills

                                          SpeedThrills FABO Gold Member FABO Gold Member

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                                          Did you ever whack something real good with a rawhide mallet only to have it bounce straight back and hit you in the nose? I ah, may have done that...
                                           
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                                          • Treblig

                                            Treblig Well-Known Member

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                                            Ever sneezed laying face up under a car and slap your head against the undercarriage???/ DON'T LIE!!!:poke:
                                             
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                                            • Righty Tighty

                                              Righty Tighty Well-Known Member

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                                              Looks like I've been using these correctly all along! Thanks for this!
                                               
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