Am I outta line?

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ramenth

ramenth

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Every year at Christmas my mother-in-law makes a charitable donation in memory of my daughter, Katie, to charities serving families in Third World countries. She's been doing it since we lost Katie back in '03.

This year I was doing some thinking and have talked to my wife about asking my mother-in-law to seek out and make those donations to any local organizations in her area.

I know there's a need for the help in places like Africa. And it's wonderful knowing that, in Katie's name, a gift of a cow has been given to help feed a village that otherwise wouldn't have the food. Or the gift of running water in areas where clean water is needed.

But am I outta line in asking, knowing that we have folks here, struggling, too, that donation be made to the family of a child who could very well have been Katie's playmate?

I'd like some thought and input on this, folks. I'm torn. It's a gift in my daughter's name and that speaks the loudest. In a time of the year when the thought of Reason for the Season seems to get swept to the side, it's more important to me that my daughter be remembered here on earth as she walks in Heaven.

I'm usually pretty good at figuring things like this out myself, but so much of my request seems right and so much seems wrong.
 
I feel the way you do Robert. So many here in our country
are also in need. Either way it is good of her to do it in Katie's name.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Tony
 
I am very sorry about the loss of your daughter. I think it is great that she makes a donation to people in need in her name. Do you have a good relationship with your MIL? If so and I were you,I would just sit down and talk to her about it. Make sure she understands that it is totally up to her,but tell her how you feel,and how you think it might be a good idea to make the donation here in the states.Or maybe even split the donation between here and over-seas. My 2 cents.

Jared
 
Robert I don't think that it would hurt to ask. She may be all for it, you never know. I don't think that you are out of line also. I am sorry for your loss and couldn't imagine losing a child. My heart goes out to you.
 
Tough one. Where would your Daughter have donated to? Maybe you could bring it up, I don't know if I would, but She may feel the same way, and now does it out of obligation. Very sorry for your loss. How old was your daughter?
 
I would talk to her. It obviously bothers you as it would me. Why not talk it out.
 
Agreed, I"d talk to her about it, first and foremost though, make sure she knows how much you appreciate her doing it and that you are torn. Coming with an attitude of humility and gratefulness is always a good way to approach things like this. I too am sorry for your loss.
 
I don't like all of the outsourcing either. Be it jobs or charity. It just seems somehow our own are forgotten. BUT, that said, it is your maw in law's money AND decision. I am not sure I would go there with her. Why not make a local donation yourself? It doesn't have to be big. As long as it is in your daughter's name. Isn't that all that matters? I mean to put it another way......you might be taking something away from your maw in law if you ask her to do that. Does that make sense?
 
i am with s.s on this. while i hate seeing our money going over seas to heklp the needy, when our own coutry is in need!. but, IT IS HER MONEY, AND SHE DOES IT WITH ALL HER HEART IN THE NAME OF YOUR LITTLE ANGEL, SO LET IT BE OF HER CHOOSING, NO ONE ELSE, AND INCLUDING WHERE IT GOES.

if you ask her, then she may say to herself, oh" what will he do next year?, ask me to send a certain amount" get my point?

do not let it bother you, as it is still a child of god, the money helps out, no matter where in the world
 
Maybe in one of your conversations with her mention in passing that you made a donation in your Daughters name to a local charity and just let it ride????
 
Robert I kinda get your drift as we know the kind of need in the Elmira area. Elmira has been hit hard in the last few years with job loss and hardships however a gift is a gift anyplace it lands. Talk to mother-in-law and tell her how you feel about it and maybe she will change it next year.
 
I'd look at the positive side, she's doing what she can to make the world a better place. I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter, You've been dealt a hand no parent should get. It would be nice to think maybe she helped save the life of some child.
 
I would not press the issue with her as to where to send a charitable donation, however I would have a talk with her and let her know how you are feeling about this. I am sure she would understand given that she has been making this donation for eight years. You may let her know that "Charity starts at home." I am very sorry for your loss Robert.
 
We have gifts routed to the Epilisy fund for my son. He passed away from it last year and it feels good to know someone may benefit from the money. Hope that helps...Bob
 
Wow Robert, what a great big heart your mother-in-law has for thinking of your daughter and helping so many people. There are many, many people in need around the world, and as many have said, here in the states as well. I don't think God looks at boundaries and I'm glad that your MIL doesn't either. To be able to feed an entire village with a cow or provide clean drinking water is monumental in the lives of so many people who are really in need and struggling just to survive. Here in the states we have food stamps and welfare programs in place to feed our hungry, but not so in impoverished areas of the world. I think your daughter would be proud to know that her Grandmother thought so much of her that she would do such a wonderful thing in her name, and I don't know if I could say anything to her if I were in your place. She is helping to do great things for the lives of so many people, I think I could live with that!!

God bless you and your family Robert!! Geof
 
I would have to agree with S. S. also. It is your mother in laws money, not yours and why would you want to step on her toes? I agree that people here needs help and you can certianly step up to the plate and make a local donation out of your money. Let your mother in law know that you are starting a tradition and she may follow your lead. Remember it is her money and not yours to direct the place it goes.
 
Don't say anything. Allow your mother-in-law to honor your daughter in her own way. Imagine how you would feel if you found out what you did for 8 years in memory of your granddaughter was looked upon as not the right thing? Your mother-in-law is doing a very good thing, leave it alone.
 
Thanks, folks for the honest answers.

After doing some soul searching and some praying I've decided not to say anything. The most important thing, no matter where the money goes, is that a gift is being made in memory of Katie that will help folks. If my mother-in-law is making the donations she's making now, I can tell you that it's in thoughtful prayer. She's being moved by the Spirit to do such. And who am I to argue with Him?
 
Sorry to hear about losing your little girl. I can't imagine.
As far as saying something to mother-in-law, leave her be, unless you have a very good relationship and there would be NO WAY she would take your opinion in a negative way. Safest bet would be not to say anything.
 
It's a Christmas donation in the name of a child. In my opinion something like Toy and Joy program (a local program we have here, ran by the Fire Department, that provides toys and support to local children) would be more appropriate.

You would not be out of line if you pointed this out.
 
Robert, I don't believe make such a request, would be "out of line". The reality of the situation is probably that your MIL doesn't know, or realize, that you'd prefer the gift to go to a different purpose.

Perhaps, instead of making the request, you could bring it up in a conversation where you could ask her her opinion. Ask If she would mind changing beneficiaries of the gift. If she seems open to it, then you could suggest your idea, realizing that it is her money, and her gift. If she decides not to change, that's the end of the conversation.

What ever you do, don't make it a heavy decision on her part. Your loss was also her loss, and you're both concerned about others. That's a very compassionate and noble position to be in.

You have my sincerest condolences for your loss, and my deepest respect for your position in this matter, Robert.

My regards to you.
 
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