A WOMAN'S FIRST WEEK AT THE GYM
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and
push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!
It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth
back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a
little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the
Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back
in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent
another skinny ***** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the
history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in
the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrill voice wondering why I did not
show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun
like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and
push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!
It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth
back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a
little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the
Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back
in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent
another skinny ***** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the
history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in
the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrill voice wondering why I did not
show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun
like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
