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There is one time to N O T give 100 % ...... when you are giving blood .......

Marriage is like a deck of cards… In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond….. By the end,you wish you had a club and a spade !!!!

Did you get The Shot, yet ???? I made the appointment, I was on hold forever..... I went to the vaccination site, the line was a mile long..... I was on that line for FIVE Hours.... It was excruciating..... I finally got to the front of the line.... NO Tequila, NO Jack Daniels.... I LEFT !!!!!!

I just got a new car for my wife.... I thought it was a good trade !!!!! Do you know what the good thing is about a drinking brake fluid addiction ?? You can stop anytime !!!!

Quit your crying, ladies ...... You are ruining my thread..... It is all about FUN..... No more stupidity, please.....

7) Hang Up and Drive.... 6) Honk if you like peace and quiet.... 5) Keep honking while I reload..... 4) There's too much blood in my alcohol system..... 3) Smiling is the second best thing you can do with your lips..... 2) Friends help you move, Real friends help you move bodies.... 1) GOD...

As the title says : Can anyone pick me up, please ?? I asked my doctor , two weeks ago, what I needed to do to stay healthy this winter... He told me that I needed to walk five miles a day..... So I said " O. K. " ..... But now, I am 70 miles from home !!!!!!!

But either he is CHEAP (4 cylinder), or has a little nose.... I would use a 426 HEMI distributor cap....

A man hired a blonde girl yesterday -- and said that he had two chores for her -- 1) to clean the garage & 2) to paint the porch..... After the blonde girl got done, she was to come see him -- and she would get paid for her work..... Two hours later, she came to see him to get paid.... "Great,"...

Blonds girl goes to her local dry cleaners with her favorite blue dress, which has a stain on it. She shows it to the girl behind the counter and asks her if she can take care of it... "No probwem," the girl replies, "It'll be ready Thursday.... ten dollar." The blonde girl nods, and starts...

I hear ya'!!!!!!!!!! Last time I looked in this beautiful ladies' purse -- it was loaded with tampons and Kleenex..... I settled for her fat girl friend......... Needed to buy new leaf springs --- wasn't worth it, either.......

Like, I mentioned, I am on this new "trim down kick"............. Last night I burned 5000 calories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is a lot for one night!!!!!!! How, you ask -- no it isn't sex, I am not that lucky.... I put a cookie tray of brownies in the oven and set it to 350 degrees..... I fell asleep...

Well, as we get later in life, I guess it is inevitable that we all find a pound or two -- and get a little flabbier around the middle.... That's why YOU are reading this now.... Sometimes we need to change our life style..... so I went to the new fitness center that just opened up near me...

I feel obligated to share clean jokes with the world ... God knows we all have dirty ones!!!! (Heck, that's why he HAS confessional booths!!!!)

1. If it is said that "Crime Doesn't Pay" -- why don't we let the government run it???? 2. Did you hear the story about the broken # 2 Yellow Pencil? (There's no point to it.) 3. My grandfather didn't believe in flying saucers until we went to the diner the other day. A great white...

Don't you know some women who would find out they ARE poisonous the same exact way.........

Geez, he didn't even get to three play................

I was at the local watering hole the other nite, and I was telling the ladies that I can tell what day they born simply by fondling their breasts...... So finally, one pretty lady, happily built, stepped forward, and said, "okay, big shot, what day was I born?" So I fondled her breasts...