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My ex girlfriend called me today, out of a clear blue sky. She says, "Guess what I'm not wearing any panties today!" So I asked her, "so you gave the tent maker the day off?" Somehow don't think she'll be calling anytime soon.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw...

The widow Mrs. Brown was undergoing her annual physical. As a last question the Dr. asked her, "have you ever been bed ridden"? Yes she said, "many times, but please don't tell anyone."

Many years ago I was on a TWA flight from Boston to San Francisco. This 300 pounder came aboard and wouldn't you know it, she had the seat right next to me by the window. It took the extension to bolt her in. She ordered 2 scotches, "neat", and then proceeded to tell me she owned a cosmetics...

here is todays humor sorry, picture doesn't post

Little Johnny (it's always little Johnny) got a small part in the school play. His line was, "There she lay with hope in her sole, I snatched a kiss and stole away, Shakespeare". Little Johnny appearing in from of the entire student body became frightened and confused and his lines came out as...

At the Smith school the third grade class was doing "show and tell'. When it became little Johny's (its's always poor little Johnny) turn he said proudly, "my dad eats light bulbs"! The teacher said, "now Johnny don't lie, you know that can't be done". Johnny said , "no teacher, it's true, I...

The 777 had just taken off and reached cruising altitude. The pilot came on the radio and said "welcome aboard, we have reached our cruising attitude and service will start shortly". Thinking he had released the mic he turned to the copilot and said "man, would I like to screw the little blonde...

If my ex wife knew how happy I am now, she'd marry me again for spite! You can always spot her, she's the one that kick starts her broom with her right foot.

Years ago when I thought I wanted to be a manager, I had to interview a local construction worker for the open position. As part of the hiring process he had to fill out employment form. One of the questions was regarding how long he/she had lived in the area. The question read "Length of...

An old bum is walking down the street and decides to stop at the grocery store and buy a live chicken to take home to cook for dinner. A bit farther down the street he passes by a movie theater, see the credits for a movie he wants to see and buys a ticket. Knowing he can't bring the chicken...

two neighbor ladies were talking over the common fence Penelope says to Gretchen "I don't know what I'm going to do, my dog bit the postman and now he won't deliver the mail". Gretchen, ever helpful, says to Penelope, "well, get him castrated, I hear that makes them more docile". So Penelope...