Grief...How long?

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440magnum

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Hi everyone. Shortly after I joined this forum my life partner passed away. I was fortunate in that I have a family and friends that have been incredibly supportive. I still think of her and cry everyday even though it's been over 8 months since her passing. I know that the grieving process takes as long as it takes. I have also read some of the responses to members in similar situations and found them quite insightful. Thank you in advance for any advice.
 
Gosh. All I can offer is this. Remember all the good memories. You'll never be able to fill the hole, but you can kinda band aid over it with good memories. I still miss my parents and grandparents terribly, but good memories are all I have and I cherrish them. I know we're all different, but looking at pictures all the time (which I did at first) helped keep me sad. I still get pictures out occasionally, but my good memories are what help me most.
 
I think it's different for everyone.

My Mom didn't really even start what looked from the outside like the grieving process after my Dad died for about a year - too many things to take care of. Then it set it and I think it went another couple of years...and she felt guilty for not really 'grieving properly' for a year when it started.

Talking to friends, a pastor/priest/rabbi, a shrink, etc. may help, and it's ok to seek help. There's nothing wrong with getting help after a major loss like that.

Hang in there!
 
Pray and schedule as many activities with family and friends as possible.

Sorry to hear about your loss! Prayers sent to you from NJ!
 
How long?

Who says there's an end date?

Who says there has to be one?

If someone does, then they haven't grieved.

I liken grief to a wound that will never heal. There may be a mending, but never a true healing (not on this earth, anyway). It's a scabbed over wound, still sore, but scabbed over with time.

There may be a time when that scab gets ripped off. A sight, a sound, a smell, a song, that allows it all to come flooding back, opening the wound for more tears, more pain, that allows a release we didn't need we know. Each tear, each laugh, each shared memory, helps build the scab over again. Until the next time.

Our grief allows us to realize our love. It hurts, but that's out of love that it hurts. It reminds us how much our loved ones meant to us.
 
I lost my dad and bestfriend within a span of 2 months 2 1/2 years ago when I was 20 I don't think you ever get over a loved being gone you just learn to live with it and move on with life . For me my dads passing was kind of expected because he was sick but for my friend he was shot and killed in another country so it was unexpected I to this day think of them Both everyday and just have support of people who also know them and keep the memories alive Sorry for your loss best if luck

Stephon
 
As said above, its my belief that time doesnt heal all wounds. There will always be something that re-opens that wound. Cherish the memories and spend lots of time with friends/family. My condolensces...
 
ramenth said:
How long?

Who says there's an end date?

Who says there has to be one?

If someone does, then they haven't grieved.

I liken grief to a wound that will never heal. There may be a mending, but never a true healing (not on this earth, anyway). It's a scabbed over wound, still sore, but scabbed over with time.

There may be a time when that scab gets ripped off. A sight, a sound, a smell, a song, that allows it all to come flooding back, opening the wound for more tears, more pain, that allows a release we didn't need we know. Each tear, each laugh, each shared memory, helps build the scab over again. Until the next time.

Our grief allows us to realize our love. It hurts, but that's out of love that it hurts. It reminds us how much our loved ones meant to us.
Click to expand...


I agree with ramenth, i went thru this process a number of years ago, i rode an emotional roller coaster, and was a basket case. I did seek help, nothing wrong with that. I also read a book called (beyond grief, how to deal with the loss of a loved one) lots of good information in there. Dont let anyone tell you to snap out of it. Its because they never been thru it, and dont understand fully how you feel. Its ok to feel hurt, sad, and any other emotion that you may feel, also spend time with friends it will help.

God bless
 
First of all I am not a very religious person, but if you are, go to as many church functions as are available. The prayers and support from religious people won't hurt. Don't mope around the house thinking about it all the time, get out there (but not to drinking establishments) and meet new people and be as positive and upbeat as you can muster.

SENDING GOOD VIBES, and if you want me too I will even say a prayer or two for you.
 
I think that Ramenth summed it up pretty good,i personally have lost everyone in my family [the elders] still have cousins. I have gotten over the loss of my parents but from time to time [this being one of them] I think of them and get tears to well up [I was overseas when my father passed and I made the decision to pull the plug so my mom could stop suffering i'm a only child] never got to make piece with my father before he passed. I still have my wife which I love deeply and don't know what will happen if I loose her,all I can say is keep occupied and press on you'll never forget but think of what your partner would tell you to do i'm sure they would want you to be happy.
 
Five yrs ago my daughter (19) was killed in a weather related car accident. On mothers day no less. My wife and I have realized that our grief will never end. We still go to the cemetery 4-5xs a week which is better then the 2-3xs a day every day between the two of us. What we have tried to do is go back to living. We have other children and family. My wife even tried to allow everyone to celebrate mothers day this year. She got through most of the day which was good for everyone. That is the best advice I can offer, you have to find away to go back to living life. That does not take away from how you feel about your partner, nor does it dishonor her. In reality it honors her because it is what she would want. And if our belief systems are right we will see these people again. Hope this helps. Tom
 
Sorry for your loss.............


Its alright to miss and grieve the loss of
someone important to you.
Over time the pain you feel will dull to an ache
that reminds you that your still alive and you were
lucky to have them in your life.
We're all just passin through, just smile when you think of them
and remember the goodtimes.
 
Keep talking as long as you need to, to whomever is understanding. You have to grieve completely, as long as that takes. Avoid putting your loved one such a pedestal that you feel you're not honoring her life as you "should."
 
Take all the time you need. I'm 63 years old, my father passed away when I was 20, my Mother 10 years ago. I doubt that a day has passed since those dates that they haven't crossed my mind.

Robert (Ramenth) hit the nail on the head.
 
Something someone said to me one time made a big difference. Even if you are not religious you have to believe that her soul is somewhere looking down on you. Do you think she is happy with being the cause of your pain, NO. I think she if she could tell you, she would say she could rest in peace if you could stop being so upset, it is probably hurting her seeing you hurt. The more I thought about this bold statement the more I moved on. You have the rest of your life to fulfill and alot of good will to spread. I also think you will be together again some day and until then it is your job to make her proud.
 
Sorry for your loss, sounds about the same time I lost my wife.
I am happy that you posted, instead of holding the pain back and
hiding it. This helps me, is to open up and also try getting back to
normal routine (its hard but it has to be done).

ramenth (Robert) and a lot of members here have helped my heart grow
stronger. Yes it hurts very much, but I am doing better.

I Pray that you can handle this day by day.

GOD bless you.

Darryl
 
I think you said it in your opening post...life partner and that's probably when you will stop grieving but it will be less with time. deepest condolences
 
Sadly nothing can heal the loss of a loved one. Those that say time heals all wounds has no clue. With that, surround yourself with positive and supportive folks, remove all negitivity from your life. Don't let anyone become a drain on your life. Maybe one day you'll find another person to share your life with, not a replacement, but as a fixture.
 
My wife lost her mother to ALS in December 2007, just two days before my wife's birthday.
She still has a hard time, especially around mother's day and all major holiday. Even at just random times she will think about her and start crying.
It was really hard when we got married and her mom obviously couldn't be there.

As previously mentioned, it's different for each person. As long as you don't stuff down the mourning/grieving process, allow yourself that time. You'll be ready when you're ready.
 
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and my condolences to all those that have lost a loved one. Reading each of your responses brought tears to my eyes. I think that is also part of the healing process. Again, thank you all I'm very grateful.
 
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