HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she
asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I
bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started .....
____________________________
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started .....
____________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started .....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her School Reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started .....
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that I should get it fixed. But somehow, I always had something
else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer - always
something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever
way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her
seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute. When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. I
said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp!
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started .....
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the
van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind
was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started .....
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started .....
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was
not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible. I look
old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied,
"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started .....
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she
asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I
bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started .....
____________________________
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started .....
____________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started .....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her School Reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started .....
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that I should get it fixed. But somehow, I always had something
else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer - always
something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever
way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her
seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute. When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. I
said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp!
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started .....
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the
van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind
was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started .....
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started .....
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was
not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible. I look
old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied,
"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started .....
