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My Luck
- Thread starter Mark Wainwright
- Start date
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I went to the dr the other day and had a physical. He asked me if I had frequent bowl movements.
I said yes every morning at 5am like clockwork.
He said that's great to which I said not really because I don't get up till 6
I said yes every morning at 5am like clockwork.
He said that's great to which I said not really because I don't get up till 6
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- Joined
- Jul 17, 2023
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- Somewhere north of Minne-a-no-place
Kendog 170
Let the boy go !
A police man pulls over a car full of old ladies. Mamm, he says, you were doing 60 in a 30. She says the sign says 60. Mamm that is the route number. He notices all the passengers are white as a ghost. Are you ladies all right? One of the women answers. We just got off of Route 128.
Snoop who?
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A woman tells her husband Fred that if he doesn’t stop getting wasted, she’ll leave him. He takes her seriously and hasn’t had more than one drink in a day for over a month. But he has a bad day.
He decides to go to a bar and have one drink. He trusts he can stop, and his wife will never know. But of course, one turns into two, which turns into three…and before he knows it, he’s absolutely wasted.
Finally the bartender says, “Fred, you have to go home. I called you a cab. Maybe your wife won’t notice you’re drunk.”
Fred agrees and as he’s walking to the door to meet the cab, he throws up all down his shirt.
“Oh no!” says Fred. “My wife will definitely know now!”
“Don’t worry,” says the bartender and puts 10 USD in his shirt pocket. When you get home and your wife starts yelling, tell her you were headed home after one beer, and being the nice guy you are, was cheering up some poor drunk bastard and he threw up all over your shirt. He gave you 10 USD for your laundry bill.”
“That’s GENIUS! Thanks so much!” Fred is so happy with the plan and gets in the cab.
True to form, he gets home and immediately his wife starts laying into him.
“Fred! You good for nothing, lazy, drunk-a$$ piece of sh*t! You’re so out of control you threw up all over yourself! What the hell’s the matter with you?! I can’t take it. I’m leaving you!”
“Wait, Martha, wait!” Fred pleads. “It’s not what you think. I’m stone cold sober. I was chatting up this poor guy that lost his job today, he’s scared he won’t be able to buy baby formula, his rent is due…he was a mess. I felt bad for him. He got shitfaced real bad. He’s the one the threw up on me!”
“Bullsh*t,” Martha says defiantly.
“No! For real! He gave me 10 USD to clean my shirt!” Fred pulls out the money and hands it to Martha.
“Oh.” Martha says as the tension and anger drops from her face. "But why do you have 20 USD"?
“Oh, he **** in my pants too.”
He decides to go to a bar and have one drink. He trusts he can stop, and his wife will never know. But of course, one turns into two, which turns into three…and before he knows it, he’s absolutely wasted.
Finally the bartender says, “Fred, you have to go home. I called you a cab. Maybe your wife won’t notice you’re drunk.”
Fred agrees and as he’s walking to the door to meet the cab, he throws up all down his shirt.
“Oh no!” says Fred. “My wife will definitely know now!”
“Don’t worry,” says the bartender and puts 10 USD in his shirt pocket. When you get home and your wife starts yelling, tell her you were headed home after one beer, and being the nice guy you are, was cheering up some poor drunk bastard and he threw up all over your shirt. He gave you 10 USD for your laundry bill.”
“That’s GENIUS! Thanks so much!” Fred is so happy with the plan and gets in the cab.
True to form, he gets home and immediately his wife starts laying into him.
“Fred! You good for nothing, lazy, drunk-a$$ piece of sh*t! You’re so out of control you threw up all over yourself! What the hell’s the matter with you?! I can’t take it. I’m leaving you!”
“Wait, Martha, wait!” Fred pleads. “It’s not what you think. I’m stone cold sober. I was chatting up this poor guy that lost his job today, he’s scared he won’t be able to buy baby formula, his rent is due…he was a mess. I felt bad for him. He got shitfaced real bad. He’s the one the threw up on me!”
“Bullsh*t,” Martha says defiantly.
“No! For real! He gave me 10 USD to clean my shirt!” Fred pulls out the money and hands it to Martha.
“Oh.” Martha says as the tension and anger drops from her face. "But why do you have 20 USD"?
“Oh, he **** in my pants too.”
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