Ozzie humour.

[bigall]

Took a dyslexic bird home last night, and she ended up cooking my sock!

Had to have a blood transfusion the other day.
All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Paki blood.
It's not as bad as it sounds
I now have a 12 inch c**k, and I am top of the housing list..

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.


Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke
All I said was, golly you're tall.


Muslim terrorists have gone on the rampage in Coburg , killing anyone who's Aussie.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

 

[bigall]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino.

He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai.

He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Cranbourne/Rooty Hill/Browns Plains/Adelaide/Raymond Terrace/Meekathara.

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 

[bigall]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.



When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."



The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."



"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays”.



The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."



"Thank you, Father, that's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."



"And what is that?" asked the priest.



"Should I tell her the war is over?''

 

[bigall]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'



'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'



The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety issue.



The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'



The young girl looked up at the cop and said,



'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'



Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,



'Yes, he sure did!'



The little girl looked up at the cop and said:



'Next year tell Santa;



The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

 

[bigall]

Not ozzie,but funny anyway.

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on a cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold.
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
So he did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,
"My prick is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a prick?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies,
"Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?"

 

[bigall]

A FRUSTRATED wife bought a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her sex life.
She put them on with a short skirt and sat down on the lounge opposite her husband.
After a few minutes she spread her legs until the husband finally looked at her and asked,
“Are you wearing crotchless panties?”
“Yes, I am,” the wife replied with a seductive smile.
“Thank f$#k for that,” said the husband, “I thought you were sitting on the cat.”

 

[bigall]

On their 25th anniversary a couple took a second honeymoon at the same hotel.

As they reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what went through your mind ?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to shag your brains out, and suck your tits dry".
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now ?"

He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job..........................

 

[bigall]

Rodeo root........

1 Start shagging your wife doggy style
2 Lean over and grab both of her tits
3 Whisper in her ear "You?re not as good as your sister"
4 Try to hold on for at least eight seconds.

 

[bigall]

A wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road

A man asks "What's wrong?"

Boy says "Me Ma is dead"

"Oh bejaysus" the man says

"Do you want me to get Father O'Riley?"

Wee boy replies

"No thanks Mister.......

...... sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."