TOOLS EXPLAINED

[Mark Wainwright]

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

Son of a ***** TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[gdrill]

Wrenches and sockets:
Intended purpose - Turn a hexagon shaped head attached to a threaded shaft which generally joins two steel objects together.
Actual results of use - Conversion of a hexagon into a dodecagon or circular shape. This is presuming the wrench or socket can actually get onto the hexagon to apply the required force to turn it. If the above does not occur, it is common to only be able to turn the wrench about 1/8" at a time resulting in sore arms and fingers. It these situations which the socket driver was designed for, but of course, the engineering department did not allow the extra 1 1/2" needed to use it. Many times the wrench or socket will intentionally jump off of the hexagon in order to smash, cut, bruise or otherwise injure it's operator. These two work together at this and are always planning attacks, as they often reside in the same home.

Screwdrivers:
Intended purpose - Tighten or loosen a small threaded object designed to fasten or join two or more parts together.
Actual results of use - Injects long, deep, contoured scratches in nice paint, occasionally denting in the process (rarely will it attack old or faded paint). Tears or punctures in human flesh (will almost certainly miss any area protected by material such as a glove). Turns screws into challenging, seemingly permanent, weld type connectors which require drilling out to remove. (refer to drill section for more info)

Ball peen hammers:
Intended purpose - Cause impact to an object, such as a punch or chisel, or blunt force to loosen seized connections.
Actual results of use - Generally misses the intended object (punch etc), glancing off and striking the appendage holding it, often a human hand, causing insurmountable pain and commonly a lost tool (the punch will most certainly fall into a spot that can't be easily reached). Quite often the ball peen will mount a direct attack on the human hand, in this case it is now considered a press, reshaping the appendage struck into a flat version of it's former self. This will often lead to a hole in a wall, damage to nearby material, or a lost tool, as the hammer generally flies uncontrolled in any direction without consideration for objects in it's flight path.

Chisels and punches:
Intended purpose - Removal by splitting of steel objects or driving pins etc into predetermined locations.
Actual results of use - Chisels and punches are close relatives of the hammer. They often work in conjunction with and cause very similar results. Often the punch will purposefully damage the driven object to the point it will no longer go in or out of it's intended spot. This can become very challenging as the material is quite often hardened, increasing the challenge of drilling (refer to drill section for more info). The chisel itself has a different motive. It will intentionally try to damage any smooth or machined surface it can attack. It is usually successful in it's attempts as it is made of a harder material than most parts nearby, and it is well aware of this. It will always attack the most important, hardest to repair part it can reach.

Drills, corded or rechargeable:
Intended purpose - To bore a hole into or through almost any material. Often used to run a bit which drives screws.
Actual results of use - The corded drill will almost certainly never have enough cord to reach the work area. The rechargeable will most often be dead or have 37 seconds worth of energy stored before it dies. In the case that the above situations are overcome, both tools will generally be to large to fit into the space provided. This due to the fact that the screwdriver which destroyed the screw, was in a spot it knew the drill coming along afterwards would not access (they plan this stuff ahead of time). If you are lucky enough to just get it in there, a common result is a broken bit. This is more often than not, due to trying when you know you shouldn't. The drill then leaves a chunk of hardened, oddly shaped, material in the way of progress. Speaking of hardened, most times you will be trying to drill out very hard steel, such as the remnants of a pin after a punch has had it's way with it. Tools and accessories know this stuff. They would never leave soft, easy to access materials for you to work with. They will always put the hardest, half broke off, in a blind spot, chunk of Chromium like, drill bit eating material they can conjure up.

 

[67Dart273]

I've seen some of that, LOLOL Firmly intrenched with "Murphy's Law"

 

[68original]

I had to replace my Son of a b#tch tool. I upgraded to a F@#k tool. Soars more true across the shop and takes out other items on the rebound.