my lifes stresses, any insights?

[moparmat2000]

hi Y'all

i am having a hard time dealing with stress, anxiety, depression. i am sure others of you have dealt with this, or are coping with it.

i couple years ago i met a wonderful woman. we dated for a year. it was a long distance relationship as i lived in one town that was 75 miles away. i would come and stay with her and her kids for a 3 day weekend every weekend, then i would drive back to my town for 4 days of work. she is a nurse, and i am an aircraft mechanic. everything was great back then. kids were well behaved, and listened to me.

about 2 years ago we made the decision for her and the kids to move in with me. she sold her home in her town, and they moved in december 2011 over school break. she has 3 girls their ages are currently 6, 7 , and 14. we had made plans for a wedding in next october 2012, well imagine our surprise when january weare going to have a baby. i was given a prognosis years ago that based on my being sickly as a kid my boys dont swim too well, that i only had a small chance of ever having kids of my own. therefore i never had any kids with my first wife. i am currently 45. my baby boy was born on 09/07/12

anyway we got married in feburary 2012 instead. ok now for the stress part. we agreed she wouldent work for some time while she was pregnant, and after she gave birth, because i wanted her to enjoy her kids, and our new baby. she always worked before we were married, never got to enjoy her kids as a stay at home mom. as the bills mounted she tried looking for work. when she tried to find a job it was hard. the only job she could find was temp nursing this required her to drive long distances every weekend plus work 12 hours. the pay was good, but after working 40 hours in a week, i had to play Mr Mom full time. all weekend. then go back to work 40 hours. i was getting no down time, and was getting stressed out, coupled with the fact that the middle 2 children who share a room would do nothing but fight, and bicker, and wouldent listen to me. i started to snap at the middle 2 kids, and finally told her this wasnt working.

she went back to being an at home mom, the bills started to rise again, it was always something, and we could never get ahead much less make ends meet. we agreed for her to find something local. perfect, a niteshift job local on weekends. fits into my schedule. i would watch the kids on the weekend starting saturday because she has to sleep to get ready to go to nights saturday night. and take care of em thru monday morning when i walk the 2 middle girls to school. then i watch the baby most of monday because my wife has just gotten off shift and has to sleep to transition back to days. she also watches little kids at our church on wednesday nights leaving the baby and the older 14 year old child with me. the baby, and the 14 year old are not an issue.

now the middle 2 girls are back to fighting over toys, fighting over using the computer, even tho i set the timer for 15 minutes for each of them to take turns on the computer, but there they go again arguing, punching, poking, saying mean things to one another etc. and i am going right back to yelling at them for being rude to each other. they dont want to listen to me when i ask them to do something, or pick up their toys. my baby boy is only 13 months old, i am constantly finding little things they leave on the floor that he can swallow.

i finally had it saturday night when they started punching one another over use of the computer at about 7:30PM. i yelled at them, screamed at them was more like it about being nice to one another, about how i should have the right to a pleasent weekend where everybody gets along, and that with the way they behave I'd rather be at work than at home, how their older sister just stays in her room because they gang up on her and say mean things to her. it was about a 7 minute rant. i blew my stack.

my wife says i talk to them like they are dirt. i do not talk to them this way. i ask them to do something like clean up their toys when they are done playing with them sometimes they do, most times they dont, or about leaving their food wrappers all over the house instead of putting this stuff in the trash can when done with it. or when the want something they repeat over and over what they want, i will get you what you want even when i tell them one minute. or twisting my words around on me. talking back. i think i am done.

in the middle of this, i also have a high stress job as an airline mechanic crewchief, and i just took my dog for major back surgery which requires me to do muscle therapy 2 to 4 times daily, and keep her locked up in a kennel in the living room, and the baby whos needs come before everybody elses since he cant do for himself.

my wife and i have no time for each other we both work to support our family. during the week when the 3 older kids are at school she gets a little down time when the baby is asleep, i dont seem to get any. she says she takes that time to clean the house, but she does have the opportunity to relax if she wants it. i am running 7 days a week. she is currently sleeping, and the baby is playing with his toys as i write this.

my wife is pissed off at me because of the way i blew my stack, and how she says i treat her kids, but i had enough, and saturday night was the melt down point. i have a different plan i am going to do. the middle 2 kids wont listen to me anyways, i will just be pleasent, talk softly to them, and not raise my voice. let em do what they want in the house providing its not damaging my things or my wifes things, tell them very nicely mom will be waking up soon, if you dont clean up your mess she will be upset at you.

back when i went thru divorce #1 i was taking something to help me cope with lifes stresses. i had stress, anxiety, and depression back then. i called my doctor today, i want back on that stuff it levelled out my feelings for life back then, no roller coaster rides in my mind anymore. i felt no pain. life was good.

i love my wife dearly, i am sure all this friction between me and the kids has hurt her, and raised her guard with me a lot. i know i have to find a better way of coping with this, as i hardly if ever get any time to even de stress by working in my shop on the car anymore. well i was in the shop replacing a water pump on the suburban my wife drives, not sure that counts. she has all these grand remodeling plans that require ME doing the work. i dont have time to wipe my own *** practically anymore, so when am i going to have time to do all the rest??

she tells me i am not happy, and quite possibly am one of those people thats never happy, i dont believe thats true, but quite frankly right now i am not happy. i dont expect her or anybody else to make me happy. i have to find it within myself. i know parenting is a full time job, she says now that i have been at it for 2 years there is no excuse. i dont know of any other man who would take on the responsibility of a woman and 3 of her kids that werent his own. their dad doesnt have anything to do with them, might as well be dead for the most part, so he isnt in their lives.

i know this is a long post, needed to get all the info in there. i just dont know what else to do, except just talk softly and nicely to them, let them do what they want, and let mom deal with it when she wakes up, because i dont have any authority. just go on auto pilot over the weekend. make em breakfast, lunch and dinner, make sure the baby, and my dog are taken care of, then just tune out and let em do what they want, they wont listen unless i get loud (not allowed to do that), and they arent my biological kids anyway so i am fighting the fight with both hands tied behind my back. i cant yell at them, i cant discipline them, sending them to their room for time out doesnt work, nothing works . i really dont know what else to do anymore.

matt

 

[68gtxman]

Hi Matt, sorry to hear about the problems you are going thru! I myself was previously married to a woman with a boy from a previous marriage. Very tough situation because we had very different ideas of what a parent should do with the kid and what the kid should be allowed to do. In the end, the kid got away with murder because his mom got tired of me trying to discipline him. He quickly discovered that all he had to do to get around me was to ensure his mom was around whenever he got caught doing bad things. This just made me even madder and more resentful of having him in my home. A terrible situation.

My lesson learned (other than avoiding relationships with women with kids) is that unless you and your wife can sit down and come up with a mutually agreeable discipline plan, you are doomed to be stressed and disappointed in your family. Maybe a discipline plan developed and tested by professionals would work for you. I just Googled "how do I discipline my child" and saw many links that sounded promising. But the key is nothing will work unless your wife buys into it too.

Good luck and may God bless you all!
Bryan

 

[burdar]

I think the first thing you need to do is have a long conversation with the wife. Both of you need to be on the same front. You both need to agree on how to handle the situation. The kids need a PARENT...not a FRIEND. If you let them do what ever they want they won't learn to have respect for anyone. If they don't respect their parents, how can you expect them to respect their teachers and their future employers?

Your situation seems very stressful but remember one thing. You still have your kids. They may be a PITA right now but you can still see them every day, talk to them every day, hug them every day. Some people don't get that luxury. Be their PARENT now...the FRIEND part will come later. Good luck!

 

[moparmat2000]

Hi Matt, sorry to hear about the problems you are going thru! I myself was previously married to a woman with a boy from a previous marriage. Very tough situation because we had very different ideas of what a parent should do with the kid and what the kid should be allowed to do. In the end, the kid got away with murder because his mom got tired of me trying to discipline him. He quickly discovered that all he had to do to get around me was to ensure his mom was around whenever he got caught doing bad things. This just made me even madder and more resentful of having him in my home. A terrible situation.

My lesson learned (other than avoiding relationships with women with kids) is that unless you and your wife can sit down and come up with a mutually agreeable discipline plan, you are doomed to be stressed and disappointed in your family. Maybe a discipline plan developed and tested by professionals would work for you. I just Googled "how do I discipline my child" and saw many links that sounded promising. But the key is nothing will work unless your wife buys into it too.

Good luck and may God bless you all!
Bryan

i am trying to handle things the way she would with a situation. she says do what i do. so i do what she does, the way she would do it, and i am the bad guy because it sounds harsh coming from my mouth.

 

[daredevil]

Being a parent isn't easy. But, in ten years or so they will start leaving the nest and you WILL miss them. Focus on the positives and praise them when they are good and try and not blow up at them. With enough positive praise they will start trying to earn it from you. Every kid wants to be loved. Life doesn't wait for you. Being a parent is hard work. You time. Forget that. You are a dad now.

 

[moparmat2000]

I think the first thing you need to do is have a long conversation with the wife. Both of you need to be on the same front. You both need to agree on how to handle the situation. The kids need a PARENT...not a FRIEND. If you let them do what ever they want they won't learn to have respect for anyone. If they don't respect their parents, how can you expect them to respect their teachers and their future employers?

Your situation seems very stressful but remember one thing. You still have your kids. They may be a PITA right now but you can still see them every day, talk to them every day, hug them every day. Some people don't get that luxury. Be their PARENT now...the FRIEND part will come later. Good luck!

i have had the long conversations with her. i get the typical they are 6 and 7 years old, and i expect them to act like they are 45 years old. i know they are kids, but they are told over and over about just for example leaving small things on the ground the baby can swallow.

our 6 year old had left a bobby pin on the floor. my wife looks her in the eyes and says if you leave this on the floor your baby brother can swallow or choke on it, and the only way to get it out might be to cut him open, he cant poop this out. my wife says to her doNOT leave things like this on the floor. first off what the hell does a 6 year old need with a bobby pin anyways. they are always doing the girly girl want to do their hair thing so mom lets them have access to this stuff. the very next day both of em are playing with the bobby pins on the floor. i'm like what the F@@k she was just told about this the day before?? am i just being anal?? she was just told this the day before !!! can she not remember !! is 6 too young to remember not to play with bobby pins and leave them on the floor for her little brother to put in his mouth, and possibly swallow or choke on.

these 2 kids will ask me a simple question, i will answer it, and then 5 minutes later the same question is asked again ?!? is this normal for a 6 or 7 year old ??

 

[68gtxman]

i am trying to handle things the way she would with a situation. she says do what i do. so i do what she does, the way she would do it, and i am the bad guy because it sounds harsh coming from my mouth.

Yes, you will still be the bad guy in that situation. My ex even told me to be much harder on her boy than she was, but in the end she still resented it. You must get her buy in on a plan to improve the kids' behavior and attitudes. Kids don't come with owners manuals. They do need parents to train them to be good humans and that training is a PITA. If your present plan is not working for you all, then you need to change it, period. Sit down with your wife and try to come up with a defined plan together.

In my situation, by stepson took advantage of the situation and grew up to be an undisciplined adult. He partied constantly and was murdered because he never learned to be responsible and stay out of harm's way. Had he learned to be respectful of others, he probably would have married and been home with his own family (thereby avoiding the situation that got him murdered). I don't want to bash a dead man, but he also destroyed many of his own mother's happiness because of his bad lifestyle. She was sorry in the end that she let him get away with so much when he was growing up.

 

[rlevs]

Matt you and your wife, as stated earlier, need to sit down with each other and bee one the same page. once you have a plan sit down with the girls and that is all the girls lay the plan out to them and explain this is how things are going to be and both of you stick to that plan. next thing you need to do is have a family outing someplace that the hole family can go out and be a family, yes i hear you working all the time paying bills trying to stay a head but if you don't have family time then you don't have a family. even if it is just a walk around the block. hope this helps good luck!

 

[goldfish65]

So sorry for what you're going through, and what you're wife and the children are going through. Please don't take my words as preaching...you are in a very tough situation.

Taking drugs or just 'tuning out' is not going to make things better. Even though you're wife's daughters are not yours biologically, you made the decision to undertake bringing them up. They don't deserve to live in an unhappy home.

You and your wife need to agree on a plan. Go to the library together and ask the librarian to help you find books for you and your wife as well as for the girls. Just put the girl's books in their bedroom, don't 'force' them to read them.

One important rule to follow in step-parenting, is that the biological parent does the disciplining. You and your wife need to talk about this. You back your wife up, but you don't do the discipline.

You and your wife need to have a talk with the girls and really listen to their feelings too, acknowledge and tell them you're sorry that you've made mistakes, but let them know that moving forward you are a family. Let them know that even though you're not their biological father, you care about them and you want to give them a happy home. Have a family meeting once a week with the rule that everyone listens and no one interrupts.

 

[moparmat2000]

Yes, you will still be the bad guy in that situation. My ex even told me to be much harder on her boy than she was, but in the end she still resented it. You must get her buy in on a plan to improve the kids' behavior and attitudes. Kids don't come with owners manuals. They do need parents to train them to be good humans and that training is a PITA. If your present plan is not working for you all, then you need to change it, period. Sit down with your wife and try to come up with a defined plan together.

In my situation, by stepson took advantage of the situation and grew up to be an undisciplined adult. He partied constantly and was murdered because he never learned to be responsible and stay out of harm's way. Had he learned to be respectful of others, he probably would have married and been home with his own family (thereby avoiding the situation that got him murdered). I don't want to bash a dead man, but he also destroyed many of his own mother's happiness because of his bad lifestyle. She was sorry in the end that she let him get away with so much when he was growing up.

wow that ended badly, on two accounts, y'all divorced, and she lost her son. things will be different with my baby boy, as i am his biological father, and i will be able discipline him, the 14 year old is a pretty good kid. she helps me when i need help over the weekends, she does chores i require of her like the trash and dishes, which is no big deal. she has a cell phone, cable in her room, and in general for her life is good.

originally when my wife moved here the 14 year old was hating it, she had no friends just didnt want to be here. now she has friends , is involved with school related activities. dotes on her little brother. life is good on that end. i originally thought she was going to be the one giving us problems.

now i got to find a way with the other 2 that works for me and them, as parenting like my wife would is obviously not working.

on weekends i take em to my local park which has an awesome playground, or take em to the YMCA for open swim time. i asked my 7 year old today if she has a friend in the neighborhood she would like to have a weekend play date with. she was oh yeah i have a friend who lives just down the road her mom said i can come visit. i gave her my phone number, and told her to give it to her friends mom and maybe we can set up a time for her to go visit mebbe on a sunday afternoon. this will help keep the house quiet so my wife can sleep, and they dont argue.

 

[inkjunkie]

So glad I never had kids. Stress will kill you my friend. You guys, wife & kids included, need to find a way to deal with it that does not require meds. One thing I have realized over the years is that life is all about compromises. You mentioned the bills piling up when the Mrs. was not working...is there anything you can do without to ease the financial load? For argument sake, the car? I realize it may be your only out but perhaps you find something that sucks up less $$? Compromising can be a real *****, but some times our priorities shift and we have no choice. Going out on disability retirement for us was a real eye opener. Went form a combined 200k a year (we worked a ton of ot) to 48k or so a year will cause anyone to look at things a bit differently. Got to go to town, will add finish later....

 

[moparmat2000]

So glad I never had kids. Stress will kill you my friend. You guys, wife & kids included, need to find a way to deal with it that does not require meds. One thing I have realized over the years is that life is all about compromises. You mentioned the bills piling up when the Mrs. was not working...is there anything you can do without to ease the financial load? For argument sake, the car? I realize it may be your only out but perhaps you find something that sucks up less $$? Compromising can be a real *****, but some times our priorities shift and we have no choice. Going out on disability retirement for us was a real eye opener. Went form a combined 200k a year (we worked a ton of ot) to 48k or so a year will cause anyone to look at things a bit differently. Got to go to town, will add finish later....

the last 2 years i didnt put a dime into it, except from my investment of from buying parts at the salvage yard with an initial $50, and then reselling for profit, and growing that initial investment to where i buy parts with that money. i dont use my paycheck money for my projects. i refuse to do that. now that she is working, she said , just use the $100 you used to give me every 2 weeks for gas in my car and put it towards your project.

Back in 2007 before i met my wife i bought a new mustang gt. Its been payed for since before i met her. I tried selling it to get out from under the bills. No takers. Car is always garage kept, never driven in the rain, currently only has 8,125 on the odometer. Didnt renew registration this year. Mebbe i will try again to sell it. This will put us very close to paying off the house, and a $1100 per month mortgage.

 

[inkjunkie]

the last 2 years i didnt put a dime into it, except from my investment of from buying parts at the salvage yard with an initial $50, and then reselling for profit, and growing that initial investment to where i buy parts with that money. i dont use my paycheck money for my projects. i refuse to do that. now that she is working, she said , just use the $100 you used to give me every 2 weeks for gas in my car and put it towards your project.

Back in 2007 before i met my wife i bought a new mustang gt. Its been payed for since before i met her. I tried selling it to get out from under the bills. No takers. Car is always garage kept, never driven in the rain, currently only has 8,125 on the odometer. Didnt renew registration this year. Mebbe i will try again to sell it. This will put us very close to paying off the house, and a $1100 per month mortgage.

Please don't think I was attacking you in anyway, just merely talking. Hope you guys come up with a reasonable solution, stress can lead to all kinds of other troubles. Best of luck to you Sir....

 

[Oklacarcollecto]

Matt,
It seems like off loading some debt would be a huge step in the right direction. Just a few days ago you were talking about trading off the Suburban buying a new car. You have also done some projects that have cost some money and while they were good were they necessary?

As far as the girls and their bobby pins and such things, shouldn't that stuff be kept in their room to where the baby would never have access to it?

No doubt raising step children can be a pia. Do you use a reward system or do they just expect and get play time in the park? Maybe you are such an easy touch that they run over you until you blow up and they need to learn respect just as you should respect them. I have found the reward/lack of reward system worked pretty good when my children were younger. My youngest one was and still is a pia.

The one thing I always drove home to my kids is the "R" word..... Respect. They would start acting out and I would ask the what is the "R" word and most of the time it helped the situation.

 

[moparmat2000]

Please don't think I was attacking you in anyway, just merely talking. Hope you guys come up with a reasonable solution, stress can lead to all kinds of other troubles. Best of luck to you Sir....

Hey ink,

I didnt take it that way. No apologies necessary. I am trying to find some solution that works for us. this is why i posted to my brothers and sisters here, just trying to find a solutionI only got 2.5 years left on a mortgage, but selling the mustang would almost get rid of the mortgage. Then mebbe my wife can slow down, and spend more time at home.

I just wanted to make the point that the reason my project has been slow going is because i was focusing on financial matters first. i have an unconventional mortgage, where i pay my own insurance and taxes. its not an escrow account with the loan. so what money i had saved for the car during the year by buying, selling, trading parts i ratholed just in case i came up short for the taxes and insurance i would just dip into my car fund and pay it out.

the nice thing is that i have a small stash of this money, and it can be used for emergencies if needed.

matt

 

[TrailBeast]

So, you married a woman with girls that won't mind while you are watching them and that have a biological mother that won't make them and she blames you for getting stressed and tired of it?

Nice

We have girls and it sucked when they were little.
Still does sometimes, and they are in thier middle 30's

 

[moparmat2000]

Matt,
It seems like off loading some debt would be a huge step in the right direction. Just a few days ago you were talking about trading off the Suburban buying a new car. You have also done some projects that have cost some money and while they were good were they necessary?

As far as the girls and their bobby pins and such things, shouldn't that stuff be kept in their room to where the baby would never have access to it?

No doubt raising step children can be a pia. Do you use a reward system or do they just expect and get play time in the park? Maybe you are such an easy touch that they run over you until you blow up and they need to learn respect just as you should respect them. I have found the reward/lack of reward system worked pretty good when my children were younger. My youngest one was and still is a pia.

The one thing I always drove home to my kids is the "R" word..... Respect. They would start acting out and I would ask the what is the "R" word and most of the time it helped the situation.

well the sunporch actually was necessary. i have a 3 bedroom home, the middle 2 kids 6 and 7 share a room, our oldest daughter 14 has a room, and my wife and i have a room, so the covered back patio we enclosed and super insulated as a "sunporch" but with heavy curtains, and a portable heat and A/C it has become my sons bedroom.

my figuring on this was to make it as a sunporch, its eventual purpose so the dollars spent to make it would only be spent once. the other option was to enclose part of the garage, and when its not needed as a room anymore, to tear out the room and make a garage back out of it. a waste of materials. we are using it as a bedroom for now. the portable A/c kept it cool in the summer, and being as its well insulated the heat will likely do the same.

as far as the bobby pins and stuff we are constantly telling them to keep this stuff in their room, and to keep their door closed. we do a reward system, if their good we go to the YMCA for swimming, or to the park.

the burb is dying, it had a mystery water leak, that i hope is fixed now that the water pump is changed, it has a bad bearing in the front end 4WD, and the bottom end has the death rattle (knock) barely audible but there. i dont want to sink anymore money into this pig. she needs a reliable car, the best deals on caravans are 1 year old ones as you can pick up the warranty, and if its under a year do new car financing. then she has a car thats good to go with me maintaining it for at least 10 years.

we are usually both frugal with a dollar. the sunporch went over budget but its done, and my son is comfortable and sleeps in it. the van is going to be a necessity within the next year.

so thats where i am.

 

[clhyer]

Hello Matt,
I will tell you what worked with our kids, that was giving them some responsibilities early on. I believe that kids want to be helpful, but they have to be given the chance and the encouragement, and the rewards, to be so. And, it can disappear pretty quickly. Here is how I would start, with the wife's buy in of course...
First the older girl. If she allows the younger girls to "gang up on her" she needs some self confidence. She is 14, imho, she is old enough to do some light baby sitting. The baby boy and her sisters, on a regular basis, as an expected chore for her. I would start by telling her that you are planning to work in the garage for a couple of hours on Saturday AM and you would like her to watch the baby. You are close by if she needs you, but you might be pleasantly surprised to find that she can manage. I would also reward her with a few bucks for the task and maybe she gets to spend the night at a friends house.
For the younger girls, they also should be expected to contribute. They are old enough to help with dishes, help with supper, help with setting the table, laundry. Anything and everything. So what if they mess up? It is not the end of the world, and they have to learn by doing. They should also be rewarded, with TV or computer time. TV and computer time should be earned, not given. Remember that morning in the shop? I would take those girls with me, one at a time, and have them help out down there also. Let's clean up the shop this weekend. Clean up and organize your tools. Talk about the car and talk about something they could help you with, cleaning up some parts or something. There would be reward for this also, extra TV or computer time, or that visit with the friend down the street. The younger one left in the house should be given a couple tasks to do that the older one can help on or supervise. I would rotate out this every weekend.

During the summer time I would assign some outside chores.
TV and computer games are available after the chores are done. To heck with dividing up the computer equally, it is an earned privilege. It can also be restricted for violations. That said, they are sisters, close in age. Expect them to squabble, that's what siblings do. But, it is hard for them to do this if they are in two different places.

Now, let me kick your *** some... These younger girls are 6 and 7 years old. They have the attention span and comprehension of 6 and 7 year olds. Using bobby pins as the example, nothing wrong with them playing hair dresser or whatever. But, when they are through playing, toys (bobby pins) must be picked up and put where they belong. This goes with all their toys, books, games or whatever. TV and computer are off limits until the chores are done, chores are not done until the toys are picked up. You don't need to get mad about it, just say they need to pick up first. It will be a little rocky at first, but once the routine is set, everyone will be better off and happier. Will the dishes be perfectly clean? Probably not, but don't get mad - they are 6 and 7. If you get the dirty dish, just ask them to put it in the sink for a rewash and please get you another. No muss, no fuss.

And last, your statement that the Mrs. couldn't get another man to take on the responsibility of raising her three kids. You need to get rid of that thought or you might find yourself replaced by just that other man, except he would take on 3 girls and a boy. They are out there.

Good luck with everything. Kids don't come with directions, but a little common sense goes a long ways. With a little luck you might find yourself in the shop enjoying yourself soon! One last thing, my statement about kids wanting to contribute - I have found over the years that an awful lot of the new employees I got to train right out of school also fit this description. By giving them responsibilities early, I found most wanted to prove themselves and take on added responsibilities.
C

 

[moparmat2000]

Hello Matt,
I will tell you what worked with our kids, that was giving them some responsibilities early on. I believe that kids want to be helpful, but they have to be given the chance and the encouragement, and the rewards, to be so. And, it can disappear pretty quickly. Here is how I would start, with the wife's buy in of course...
First the older girl. If she allows the younger girls to "gang up on her" she needs some self confidence. She is 14, imho, she is old enough to do some light baby sitting. The baby boy and her sisters, on a regular basis, as an expected chore for her. I would start by telling her that you are planning to work in the garage for a couple of hours on Saturday AM and you would like her to watch the baby. You are close by if she needs you, but you might be pleasantly surprised to find that she can manage. I would also reward her with a few bucks for the task and maybe she gets to spend the night at a friends house.
For the younger girls, they also should be expected to contribute. They are old enough to help with dishes, help with supper, help with setting the table, laundry. Anything and everything. So what if they mess up? It is not the end of the world, and they have to learn by doing. They should also be rewarded, with TV or computer time. TV and computer time should be earned, not given. Remember that morning in the shop? I would take those girls with me, one at a time, and have them help out down there also. Let's clean up the shop this weekend. Clean up and organize your tools. Talk about the car and talk about something they could help you with, cleaning up some parts or something. There would be reward for this also, extra TV or computer time, or that visit with the friend down the street. The younger one left in the house should be given a couple tasks to do that the older one can help on or supervise. I would rotate out this every weekend.

During the summer time I would assign some outside chores.
TV and computer games are available after the chores are done. To heck with dividing up the computer equally, it is an earned privilege. It can also be restricted for violations. That said, they are sisters, close in age. Expect them to squabble, that's what siblings do. But, it is hard for them to do this if they are in two different places.

Now, let me kick your *** some... These younger girls are 6 and 7 years old. They have the attention span and comprehension of 6 and 7 year olds. Using bobby pins as the example, nothing wrong with them playing hair dresser or whatever. But, when they are through playing, toys (bobby pins) must be picked up and put where they belong. This goes with all their toys, books, games or whatever. TV and computer are off limits until the chores are done, chores are not done until the toys are picked up. You don't need to get mad about it, just say they need to pick up first. It will be a little rocky at first, but once the routine is set, everyone will be better off and happier. Will the dishes be perfectly clean? Probably not, but don't get mad - they are 6 and 7. If you get the dirty dish, just ask them to put it in the sink for a rewash and please get you another. No muss, no fuss.

And last, your statement that the Mrs. couldn't get another man to take on the responsibility of raising her three kids. You need to get rid of that thought or you might find yourself replaced by just that other man, except he would take on 3 girls and a boy. They are out there.

Good luck with everything. Kids don't come with directions, but a little common sense goes a long ways. With a little luck you might find yourself in the shop enjoying yourself soon! One last thing, my statement about kids wanting to contribute - I have found over the years that an awful lot of the new employees I got to train right out of school also fit this description. By giving them responsibilities early, I found most wanted to prove themselves and take on added responsibilities.
C

Good advice

We have the 14 year old watch the baby and her younger sisters sometimes for an hour at a time once in a while, plus she loads, and unloads the dish washer, and Cleans the kitchen after supper. She also takes out the trash. These are her expected chores. My wife and i try to go out twice a month for dinner, and some us time. Usually a couple hours. We pay her for the baby sitting. If she wants more cash i have her mow the lawn in the summer.

The middle 2 kids expected job is to keep their room clean and neat. We do their laundry, and they help fold it and put it up. Other than that they have chores to earn money. We have a plastic cup full of wooden tongue depressors. Each has a chore, and a money value. Mebbe clean all the glass table tops in living room .50, or clean sliding glass door .25 etc. we keep track and add em up every 2 weeks, and they get their allowances based on helping out. Incentive based.

I will concider your advice, for one if i keep the 2 middle kids seperated, no fighting, which wakes mom up her sleep after her working all night. This could work. Carrot on a stick approach to the tv and computer sounds like a winner.

I know theres other men who would take on this responsibility as well. I wasnt saying it like i was the only one out there who would be willing to do this. Just saying that guys like this far and few between but they are out there.

 

[Princess Valiant]

they wont listen unless i get loud (not allowed to do that), and they arent my biological kids anyway so i am fighting the fight with both hands tied behind my back. i cant yell at them, i cant discipline them, sending them to their room for time out doesnt work, nothing works . i really dont know what else to do anymore.

they really need to learn to respect your authority as the head of household.......regardless if your biological to them or not.

I live with an adoptive family and im already 27 and I still run by their rules ....many of my friends tell me "your crazy rani why do you have to listen to them and tell them where you are all the time and be home by a certain time when your a grown woman"

and my answer is simple ....its their house and im dang lucky to be here and no matter what I do for them ....its still small fries for what they have done for me.

I have a feeling those little girls are in the same boat because they are dang lucky to have you....someone who takes in their abandoned mother and is willing to be loving towards them all......that is a rare thing and they need to made to understand the luckiness in their situation......if they are like me and they weigh out where they could be if someone like you had not stepped in, then listening to your rules and being respectful towards you should be easy for them. Even their mom should know this loud and clear, you married her even with kids ....that in self says what kind of man you are. I have seen far too many friends who are girls get used by men and then get kicked to curb so I believe that loving, caring men of commitment are rare.

6 and 7 years old is not too young understand this either ......maybe they need to see how some kids live around the world or how troubled youth of inner cities right here in the USA live.....after seeing the ugliness of the world, then picking up all their nice toys and keeping the very nice and warm house they live in clean will be an easy thing to do, and they would see that chores really are the least they can do and they will see that what your offering to them in the form of being loving and just being there, is a pretty dang good deal as this can be a really sick, sad world without people like you.......just sayin.......and prayers sent your way for peace and happiness.....bright sunny days ahead

 

[longarm]

Parenting is hard.:burnout:

 

[Oklacarcollecto]

Good advice



I know theres other men who would take on this responsibility as well. I wasnt saying it like i was the only one out there who would be willing to do this. Just saying that guys like this far and few between but they are out there.

It isn't as rare as you think.

 

[Oklacarcollecto]

I'd send her two kids to her everytime there was a problem,
she gets short enuff on sleep, she will correct the kids.
The bobby pin thing and things of this nature are a no brainer,
throw that **** away ALL OF IT EVERYTIME its a problem.
Stop being their friend and be a parent, you have rights and expectations
that need to be established to provide a safe and happy home.
That is your main job as a leader of your family.

Or...... you could just wait until someone is injured or dies
because of you being an ineffective crybaby.
Cheese and Rice grow a pair!

You have it pretty well summed up.

 

[longarm]

Yes, I believe this to be true, but I'm old school
and will swat an *** in a heartbeat as reinforcement
if I believe its the only answer to correcting a situation.


I erased my original comment as I believe most of todays
parents have been conditioned to avoid conflict and my opinion
might be misconstrued and would not help an already
stressful situation.
Interesting that it was saved and reposted.

I hope you can find a way that will work
for you and your family moparmat2000.