spin doctor in training

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moparmat2000

moparmat2000

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got a bit of a problem. one of my step kids i always seem to catch her twisting my words to her mother, or lying , only telling the parts of the story that she wants mom to hear., etc. my wife tells me i dont like her kid, i tell my wife i dont like her kids behavior. its gotten to where i want to be around this kid as little as possible because i am going to end up usually on a losing end with my wife over "whatever" this kid is 8 i dont know if i got 10 more years of this kinda mind game **** left in me.

i tell my wife whenever **** happens i tell the truth right, wrong, or indifferent . i dont candy coat anything. but then i got a little spin doctor who uses every little thing as a blow up stir the **** pot sort of thing just to create drama i guess. then the little bugger wants to go with me when i go to lowes, home depot or any other errands, and i say NO because i dont want to deal with anymore ****. then i get from my wife, she wants to go with you to wherever and you always say no. why do you do that?? how in the hell do you respond to that.

i stay later at work to lessen the chances of any confrontation , since i will always be concidered the one at fault. i'm thinking i need to just use my phone to record every interaction with this kid, and play it back for my wife if theres a problem, let her figure it out.

tired of the bullshit.
Matt
 
I hope your wife does not really believe the word of an 8 year old over you....come on now, kids are kids....how many of them will break a cookie jar and then go tell there folks they did it?
 
inkjunkie said:
I hope your wife does not really believe the word of an 8 year old over you....come on now, kids are kids....how many of them will break a cookie jar and then go tell there folks they did it?
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I hope u didn`t adopt her, "or them" ! piss on all that, lifes too short for what u described. just my 2 cents-bob
 
Yes, she may have issues with the relationships in your blended family
Or she may be screwed up through no fault of yours.
But.
Learn what NOT to talk about with the kid. Watch your subject matter.
You are the adult and supposed to me smarter than an 8 year old.
Then she can't twist your words or take things out of context.
Are you talking about mommy? Stop.
I suspect the subject matter you are discussing with her is the main problem
Next.
Make her your friend. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer is the old saying.
Change your attitude if necessary. Do you have another daughter?
I wish I had one. I suspect she needs something and that's why she wants to be with you.
Unless she is just an evil person what is looking for trouble.
If you can view this person as your "real" daughter I suspect you will find things much easier.
Daddy's little girl isn't just a saying. Daughters are known for loving their father.
It's not to late. Or is it?
 
There may be a few things going on here.

1. Your wife's kids may not have completely accepted you as a "step dad". Put yourself in their shoes and what if your mom married another man. You would have trouble accepting him, because you still love your biological father and they feel that you are trying to replace him. You have to work on that over time until they can learn that you are not trying to replace him, but are still going to be a good step dad.

2. I saw in another one of your posts yesterday that they are a little "out of control" as they were watched by other people when mom's been busy working. From what I read out of that, they are not getting the proper discipline and are pushing the limits. If you let them, they will keep pushing farther and farther until corrected. You need to establish the boundaries and stick to them. If you let them, they will walk all over you. You have to set the standard.

3. She wants attention. If she wants to go to the store with you, it seems as if she is willing to spend time with you, but you are rejecting her. That could get in the way of them accepting you as a step dad.

4. You and your wife need to get together on this issue and stick together on the same page and support each other. Who is going to set the discipline? Your wife or both of you. Agree on who is going to discipline them and stay firm. If you don't get the bad behavior in check, it will just get worse as they grow older and harder to get under control.

5. Spend some time with them and bond with them. Take them to a park and play with them. Push them on a swing, teach them how to throw a baseball/softball, kick a soccer ball back and forth, take them out for ice cream, or a movie, etc. Have some fun with them and they will learn to accept you more. They may be looking for a strong "father figure" in their life. The kids may have a 'mental block' up and may take a while to warm up to you, keep working with them to have a good relationship.

5. Don't run away from the home life. It will just push you further apart, not closer together. I did it also, and now I'm divorced. Hindsight is 20/20, and it's too late after things have fallen apart to fix them, try not to let it go that far.

6. do not get in the way of their relationship with their real father. It will cause more resentment towards you and make it harder to get closer to them for them to accept you. All kids need BOTH of their parents, even through high school and longer. Try to be a good step dad to them and they will learn to accept you over time. Be patient.


I'm not any better than you, I have been there and made many mistakes that I now look back on and say maybe I should have done something different/better than what I did. I tried to be the "lenient" father and in some cases I probably should have been more strict on them than I was. I have issues with one of my kids now that I feel that if I was more strict when he was younger, I wouldn't have today and am trying to figure out how to get him "back on track", which is much harder to do after they become adults.

Try to define your role as a step father with both the kids and their mother. Mom may have to step up and start enforcing some discipline on the kids. They will respect her authority more than yours as a step dad vs their real mother. Mom also needs to support you and your authority to discipline the kids also. If you let them disrespect you, they will keep doing it and it will get worse. However also spend some time with them to build a relationship with them and then they will warm up to you. Kids that go through a divorce learn to take advantage of it (the old if mom says no, go ask dad syndrome).

View attachment step ladder.jpg
 
I wondering if they feel they are not as wanted in your life as your little boy.
 
I'd seek professional help. Following the wrong advice could end up much worse than you can imagine.
 
well i do watch what i say in ftont of her, but the other day her sibling was out in the yard doing a chore picking up the dog bombs. she kept harassing her sister about it, when her sister was done picking them up, her sister and i went out the backyard gate to toss the bag in the dumpster, at this point i locked the back gate, because by this time her sister and i were tired of this ****. her sister is pretty quiet, and gets ragged on a lot by her.

so she procedes to say im going inside to tell mommy. in my mind im saying to myself, um ok well go right ahead. of course she leaves out the part about harassing her sister over picking up dog **** to make herself look good. i come in the house 15 minutes later and my wife asks me what happened. i told her exactly what happened.

then i go back outside to complete doing yardwork, and this kid is back out there like nothing happened. i say to her , i dont appreciate you going and telling mommy i locked you in the back yard after you were harassing your sister about the dog poop, that is absolute bull ****.

so she goes back inside, tells mommy again, and says i called her a lier, then my wife comes out and starts yelling at both of us about it. like im some little kid or something. now the reason i said this, was she just started this whole mommy said / daddy said crap, i was attempting to nip this game in the bud before it becomes modus operandi for her. and it backfired on me.

oh well.
 
you have a child who through TV and friends has learned to be a manipulator , I lived this and there is no way to " win " if mom refuses to accept what the child is doing and correct it you will never correct it for her . You need to take your wife out somewhere private and have a long talk about what you both want out of life and what you are willing to do to get it because I suspect that like my ex your wife feels guilty about the divorce and guilty about working and compensates for that by buying stuff and using TV catch phrases like " picking her battles " to justify not being the one to hold the line , I hope I'm wrong but if I'm right and she isn't going to correct her child you may as well pack your bags and cut your losses now . I had one stepson who is quiet , respectful ,hard working and a part time youth Pastor and another who was living at home and heading back into grade 10 at 20 years old even after I returned to Canada and she had him all to herself for 5 years while I was staying and working in Canada , he just became a more successful manipulator without me around to call him on it .
 
What Frankie said about professional help. The pro is probably going to tell you and your Wife a grow up and be adults and get your issues worked out. Until the two of you are on the same page this little girl is going to be an issue.
 
moparmat2000 said:
well i do watch what i say in ftont of her, but the other day her sibling was out in the yard doing a chore picking up the dog bombs. she kept harassing her sister about it, when her sister was done picking them up, her sister and i went out the backyard gate to toss the bag in the dumpster, at this point i locked the back gate, because by this time her sister and i were tired of this ****. her sister is pretty quiet, and gets ragged on a lot by her.

so she procedes to say im going inside to tell mommy. in my mind im saying to myself, um ok well go right ahead. of course she leaves out the part about harassing her sister over picking up dog **** to make herself look good. i come in the house 15 minutes later and my wife asks me what happened. i told her exactly what happened.

then i go back outside to complete doing yardwork, and this kid is back out there like nothing happened. i say to her , i dont appreciate you going and telling mommy i locked you in the back yard after you were harassing your sister about the dog poop, that is absolute bull ****.

so she goes back inside, tells mommy again, and says i called her a lier, then my wife comes out and starts yelling at both of us about it. like im some little kid or something. now the reason i said this, was she just started this whole mommy said / daddy said crap, i was attempting to nip this game in the bud before it becomes modus operandi for her. and it backfired on me.

oh well.
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I hate to say this, but Mommy is part of this problem. She needs to listen to you more than the kid and stop yelling at you about it. If mommy stopped "punishing" you every time she tattles, then she will stop instigating it. By yelling at you, she's rewarding the daughter's behavior

I have the same problem with my kids. When I lay down the law that they don't like, they call/text mommy and I get a call from mommy. However, my ex has learned that the kids are only telling her their side of the story and I tell her what REALLY happened, she sees my point and supports me. she has now learned not to go by their word, and calls me and we talk about what's going on and how we are going to handle the situation TOGETHER. Even though we are divorced, we stick together and talk about how we are going to handle the situations with the kids.

If mom is not going to listen to you and be objective and see that her kids are "stirring the pot", then you need to get her on your side, or get counselling. Otherwise it will not last or you will be miserable.


Maybe next time she teases her sister about picking up the dog bombs, then you should make her do it or ground her. Then see how loud she's laughing. The longer you wait to address it, the worse it will get and harder it will be to correct.


Mom needs to step up and get her kids under control. Her lack of discipline is causing the problem and enabling it to keep going. It sounds like she has blinders on and needs to take them off and see the light. She needs to get her "brats" under control as she's let them get out of control. Her kids have her pretty well trained now.

If you two can't have a united front against the kids, then you are fighting a loosing battle. Mom is going to drive you away, and sooner or later you may be tempted to start cheating on her. It will eventually end up in divorce. I've been through this. If she's not willing to work with you, then you need to start planning your "exit strategy". I hate to say it, but it's true.

I don't mean to offend you, just stating my views on the situation. I feel it is more helpful than blowing smoke up your ***....
 
krazykuda said:
I hate to say this, but Mommy is part of this problem. She needs to listen to you more than the kid and stop yelling at you about it. If mommy stopped "punishing" you every time she tattles, then she will stop instigating it. By yelling at you, she's rewarding the daughter's behavior

I have the same problem with my kids. When I lay down the law that they don't like, they call/text mommy and I get a call from mommy. However, my ex has learned that the kids are only telling her their side of the story and I tell her what REALLY happened, she sees my point and supports me. she has now learned not to go by their word, and calls me and we talk about what's going on and how we are going to handle the situation TOGETHER. Even though we are divorced, we stick together and talk about how we are going to handle the situations with the kids.

If mom is not going to listen to you and be objective and see that her kids are "stirring the pot", then you need to get her on your side, or get counselling. Otherwise it will not last or you will be miserable.


Maybe next time she teases her sister about picking up the dog bombs, then you should make her do it or ground her. Then see how loud she's laughing. The longer you wait to address it, the worse it will get and harder it will be to correct.


Mom needs to step up and get her kids under control. Her lack of discipline is causing the problem and enabling it to keep going. It sounds like she has blinders on and needs to take them off and see the light. She needs to get her "brats" under control as she's let them get out of control. Her kids have her pretty well trained now.

If you two can't have a united front against the kids, then you are fighting a loosing battle. Mom is going to drive you away, and sooner or later you may be tempted to start cheating on her. It will eventually end up in divorce. I've been through this. If she's not willing to work with you, then you need to start planning your "exit strategy". I hate to say it, but it's true.

I don't mean to offend you, just stating my views on the situation. I feel it is more helpful than blowing smoke up your ***....
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I'm 22 years married to my only wife. We have 4 kids together. The single most outstanding thing that has made this work is A UNITED PARENTAL FRONT AGAINST CHILDREN. I talk to my wife. We decide things together. My wife was even the local Cub Scout leader for 8 years. You must have the children respect your authority as a parent and an adult or everything will descend into anarchy. They must get the same, consistent answers from both parents.
 
My take on all this is unless you can get mom on your side then your in a battle you can't win. Unfortunatly it does not look like getting her on your side is ever going to happen.
Seems like she will always side with the child, and unless you join forces it won't work out very well for the whole family.
 
moparmat2000 said:
well i do watch what i say in ftont of her, but the other day her sibling was out in the yard doing a chore picking up the dog bombs. she kept harassing her sister about it, when her sister was done picking them up, her sister and i went out the backyard gate to toss the bag in the dumpster, at this point i locked the back gate, because by this time her sister and i were tired of this ****. her sister is pretty quiet, and gets ragged on a lot by her.

so she procedes to say im going inside to tell mommy. in my mind im saying to myself, um ok well go right ahead. of course she leaves out the part about harassing her sister over picking up dog **** to make herself look good. i come in the house 15 minutes later and my wife asks me what happened. i told her exactly what happened.

then i go back outside to complete doing yardwork, and this kid is back out there like nothing happened. i say to her , i dont appreciate you going and telling mommy i locked you in the back yard after you were harassing your sister about the dog poop, that is absolute bull ****.

so she goes back inside, tells mommy again, and says i called her a lier, then my wife comes out and starts yelling at both of us about it. like im some little kid or something. now the reason i said this, was she just started this whole mommy said / daddy said crap, i was attempting to nip this game in the bud before it becomes modus operandi for her. and it backfired on me.

oh well.
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To me the best thing to do in this scenario would be to get your wife and talk to the child with her present. If you had said to her exactly what you said after she spun on you to her mother, in front of her mother, she wouldn't be able to spin anything at all. As bad as it sounds you may want to ask your wife to have the girl wait to talk to her about you until you are present. And I wouldn't add rebuttal unless both the child and your wife are in the room. The less opportunity you give the child to spin your words, the less it will happen. It sounds bad, but you need to out wit the child every opportunity you can, or she will drive you guys apart.
 
Sit down and talk to your wife. This begins and ends with you and your wife.
 
My advice if your wife treats you like this. Run Forest run as fast as you can. Wife needs to back you up and tell the child to knock it off. You need to be the adult with this kid and not act like your eight and lock the gate as just adds fuel to the fire. This kid has got anger problems and wants you to leave so her dad comes back. Good luck!
 
Free advice is usually worth what you pay for it.
Advice to seek professional advice is still advice.
Yeeeears ago, my wife wanted to go to counseling.
We celebrated (observed) or 32 anniversary this year.
I told her in no uncertain terms that I didn't need to pay someone to listen to me (us) talk about problems.

Based on what I read the best advice you have gotten here is to sort it out with the other adult in the room.
If you can't do that. Cut your losses.

(IF you feel the need for an objective mediator, churches usually have a free set of ears).
 
adriver said:
free advice is usually worth what you pay for it.
advice to seek professional advice is still advice.
yeeeears ago, my wife wanted to go to counseling.
We celebrated (observed) or 32 anniversary this year.
I told her in no uncertain terms that i didn't need to pay someone to listen to me (us) talk about problems.

Based on what i read the best advice you have gotten here is to sort it out with the other adult in the room.
If you can't do that. Cut your losses.
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x2
 
This is only going to get worse and you are going to lose in the end...

You..and you family..need professional help.

As stated earlier, one of the reasons we have survived is that the kids..mainly my daughter..has not been able to divide and conquer. Once that happens, you are lost.

You have it double as bad because you are not their "real" father but an interloper..and I would seriously question my wife if she took the word of an 8 year old over yours.

Run, don't walk, to get professional help. Family counseling would be best and don't hold anything back..

I feel bad for you..it is almost an no win situation..
 
Back in Time said:
What Frankie said about professional help. .
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I agree. For one thing it puts both of you on sort of neutral ground. If you do not address this NOW I can guarantee you that in about 3 years or less you are gonna have one hell of a problem child, your house situation will be an uncomfortable mess, and the two of you will be headed for the splits.
 
she's only 8....wait till she's 12, she'll get better at it. If your wife and you don't talk about this and work out at a solution....it will only get worse.
Mothers will always take their daughters sides....just saying
Best of luck to y'a
 
IMO All confortations need to be setteled with all concerned in the same room at one time. It is not a contest . The future of this child is being formed NOW. I work with a only child and he is the same as a child still today. It is called a family for a reason and the adults teach and guide. If your wife will not become a leader with you then she needs Professional help and I am sorry to say you may need a lawyer. You did not say what part the father of this girl has in her life. If you and he speak his input may help. Best of luck my man i wish this on no one. Just take care of yourself and stay sane.
 
.02 take it for what it's worse but after working with kids for most of my life, you need to get her into counseling. You also need family counseling. I've seen many a case of a step dad losing his temper at a rebellious step-child, taking it to far and hitting/beating the child. When that happens then all hell breaks lose. Step dad is ALWAYS arrested and goes to jail, then Child Protection Services get involved, so your family is dealing with two different courts. Criminal and family, you have to take days off work several times a month.
Trust me please just go see a Family Counselor and talk it out.
 
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