Puffer Fish
Mopar Nut
*
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make*sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single*wire along the top of the fence.*
*
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5*feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.*
*
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel*push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for*a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire*and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.*
*
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.*
*
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand*and the 1..7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the*charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an*upside down cow on fire on the cover.*
*
Time stood still.*
*
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of > my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition > firing in the backside of*my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton*rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one*with the engine.
*
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were*fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.*
*
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to*differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3*different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of*bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back*and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there*were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was*like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.*
*
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the*fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let*go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences...but Dad*always had those pieces of crap chargers made by International or whoever*that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.*
*
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now*accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom*soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take*it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.*
*
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!*
*
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping*run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.*Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please*die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam*idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor*waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.*
*
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in > my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that*day......he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery*my own stupidity had created.
*
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.....I woke up laying*on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was*later on in the day and I was sunburned.*
*
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then*another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the*resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.*
*
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:*
*
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.*
*
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt*cheek (not the left, just the right).*
*
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as*bad as you might think.*
*
4- My left eye will not open.*
*
5- My right eye will not close.*
*
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our* little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.*
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a*foot long.*
*
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking*of the number 4 (still don't understand this?).*
*
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make*sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.*
*
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can*clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives*me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple*check before I mow.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make*sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single*wire along the top of the fence.*
*
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5*feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.*
*
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel*push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for*a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire*and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.*
*
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.*
*
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand*and the 1..7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the*charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an*upside down cow on fire on the cover.*
*
Time stood still.*
*
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of > my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition > firing in the backside of*my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton*rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one*with the engine.
*
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were*fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.*
*
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to*differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3*different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of*bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back*and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there*were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was*like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.*
*
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the*fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let*go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences...but Dad*always had those pieces of crap chargers made by International or whoever*that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.*
*
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now*accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom*soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take*it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.*
*
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!*
*
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping*run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.*Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please*die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam*idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor*waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.*
*
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in > my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that*day......he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery*my own stupidity had created.
*
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.....I woke up laying*on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was*later on in the day and I was sunburned.*
*
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then*another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the*resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.*
*
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:*
*
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.*
*
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt*cheek (not the left, just the right).*
*
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as*bad as you might think.*
*
4- My left eye will not open.*
*
5- My right eye will not close.*
*
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our* little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.*
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a*foot long.*
*
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking*of the number 4 (still don't understand this?).*
*
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make*sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.*
*
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can*clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives*me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple*check before I mow.
