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Memo To All Staff From Tech Support Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by July 31, 2013. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many...

My Over Powered Awesome Ride

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving farther along the lunch line, at the other end of the table...

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing...

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'” A small voice...

One day a little girl noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time a child does something wrong that...

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy Father and thy Mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” One little boy (the oldest of a...

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I'm drawing God.” The teacher...

A teacher, speaking about whales, said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. A little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not...

THIS JUST IN: Osama Bin Ladin has just met the first of 72 Virgins promised him by Allah!

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."...

A man just finished reading a book entitled,"You Can Be The Man Of Your House." He walked into the kitchen and announced sternly to his wife,"From now on, you will understand that I am the man of this house and my word is the law." You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, followed by a...

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to...

Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man. "How do you think you'll do that?" said the blond. He proceeded to climb up to the rafters and hung from them upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling and...

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough...

One day a blond lady went to a local Florida Department Store to buy a pair of alligator shoes. As she was looking at a very nice pair of shoes she noticed the very expensive price. She didn't have enough to pay for the shoes, and she was outraged. She marched right up to the counter and told...

You need to learn something EVERY day. Six Truths in Life 1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time; it’s a physical impossibility. 2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it. 3...

The Obama Bingo Game... Try it the next time you hear the President speak... it will keep you awake. This new game helps when I occasionally watch Obama. Please follow the rules before watching. I used to avoid listening to his speeches. Now, I look forward to the next one. Here is...

A man walked into the welfare office to pick up his check. As he reached the counter and said, "I just hate drawing welfare. I'd rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is perfect. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a driver and...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"...

Dear Tom, The other day I set off for work. My husband was in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my...

One day, two guys were driving to a local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, “What the heck are you doing...

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. “I was only going 40!” the driver protested. “Not according to my radar,” the trooper said. “Yes, I was!” the man shouted back. “No you weren t!” the trooper said. With that, the man’s wife...

What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker? Hop in.

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, “I did that by accident.” She replied, “I know that, daddy.” He replied, “How d you know?” The girl said, “Because you didn’t say A$$HOLE! afterwards!”

A guy driving through the countryside comes upon a weird sign advertising a red '68 Corvette that runs on Vaseline. The farmer who owns it tells him to take it for a test drive, "but don't go too far 'cause it's low on Vaseline." Off the guy goes, and it roars up to 100 mph and runs perfectly...

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer...

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes: The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous...

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man...

Disclaimer: I had a friend tell me this joke, he remembered part of what he heard, and i remember part of what he told me. So I am ad-libbing at best. I think it was on Dennis Miller. Two guys, Larry and Kevin were riding in the country side when Larry said, "Did you see that post turtle?"...