A Few Funnies...

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RustyRatRod

RustyRatRod

I was born on a Monday. Not last Monday.
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I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
 
Number five !! There is a tree company in town with that on there trucks, now I get it :thumbsup:
 
RustyRatRod said:
I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
Click to expand...
What would I call a fish wearing a bowtie. An imposter
 
I was actually reading my old lady your jokes and she came up with that one it's kind of in the same style but I guess it's more perverted
 
A string walked into the bar the bartender said we don't serve strings the string walk outside, combed out his string a little bit, it tied it into a knot, then walked back in....
 
RustyRatRod said:
I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
Click to expand...
What do you call two birds in love? Tweet Hearts!
 
So there where these two statues, a boy statue and a girl statue. Everyone that visited the park loved the statues. One day god sent an angel down to make them alive for an hour, out of appreciation for the joy they bring the people. The angel explained this to the statues and told them they could do what ever they wanted for an hour. So the two statues ran off to the woods. They came back a half hour later holding hands and giggling. The angel informed them the still had a half hour to do what ever they wanted. The boy statue looked at the girl statue and asked (do you want to do it again?)
The girl statue smiled and replied (ok, but this time, you hold the pigeon and I’ll **** on it.)
:lol:
 
Bob and Jim had been friends for years and always went away on holiday together.
Bob asked Jim "where do want to go this year?" Jim said "I would like to go North, what about you Bob?"
Bob said "I would like to go south this year"
So they both agreed to go their separate ways and then tell the other one what they experienced.
So when they got back Jim said as you know I went north and found this gorgeous lake with mountains in the background. I went swimming and fishing and had a nice relaxing time. Where did you get to Bob?
Bob said " as you know I went south and I was walking down this hwy and came across some railroad tracks so decided to follow them.
I got a mile off the hwy and I found a woman tied to the tracks.
Jim asked "what did you do"?
Bob said I untied her and then had the best sex I had ever had with a woman.
Jim asked what did she look like?
Bob said "I don't know I never did find her head"
 
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Mark Wainwright said:
Bob and Jim had been friends for years and always went away on holiday together.
Bob asked Jim "where do want to go this year?" Jim said "I would like to go North, what about you Bob?"
Bob said "I would like to go south this year"
So they both agreed to go their separate ways and then tell the other one what they experienced.
So when they got back Jim said as you know I went north and found this gorgeous lake with mountains in the background. I went swimming and fishing and had a nice relaxing time. Where did you get to Bob?
Bob said " as you know I went south and I was walking down this hwy and came across some railroad tracks so decided to follow them.
I got a mile off the hwy and I found a woman tied to the tracks.
Jim asked "what did you do"?
Bob said I untied her and then had the best sex I had ever had with a woman.
Jim asked what did she look like?
Bob said "I don't know I never did find he head"
Click to expand...
Oh man....wow!
 
Ironracer said:
A string walked into the bar the bartender said we don't serve strings the string walk outside, combed out his string a little bit, it tied it into a knot, then walked back in....
Click to expand...
The bartender then says to the string, “Hey, you’re the same string I just kicked out!”

The string replies, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot!!”
 
Righty Tighty said:
The bartender then says to the string, “Hey, you’re the same string I just kicked out!”

The string replies, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot!!”
Click to expand...
And the Winner is....
RIGHTY TIGHTY!!!!!
ding, ding, ding, ding!!!! Yeah that was a horrible joke my old lady told me last night but I thought I'd share it...... and I told her about the damn Frito Lay one, you should say corn chip, not potato chip, when you tell that joke!
 
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and a slobbering drunk yells out, "Hey, we don't serve pigs in this establishment". The woman replies, "You're so drunk, that you can't even recognize a duck when you see one". The drunk chortles back, "Mind you own business, I was talking to the duck"
 
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A couple gets together for the first time. The lady gets into bed and watches the man undress. He removes his shirt. She remarks, "Nice bod." Next off come the pants. She says "OMG" as she looks at his bent and twisted knees. He says, "Yes I know. I had kneesels when I was a kid." Next off come the socks and again she stares at his very deformed feet and agsin says , "OMG what happened with your feet?" He replies, " Early on in my life, I had toelio and as a result my feet are a mess." At this point she is beginning to wonder about what she had got herself into, but still is awaiting the moment of truth! Finally off come the much awaited underpants, to which she exclaims, "Oh no! Not Smallcox too!" Well, such is life.
 
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?
 
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