ramenth
Gratis persona
I thought I had it under control, but I guess I don't.
Last night was over the edge. I imagined hurting someone I love and then hurting myself. I came close to admitting myself to the local BSU, but decided that I couldn't take the week or so vacation. Instead I'll be making some phone calls for psychologists on Monday.
Okay, guys, here goes. Most of you don't know this, but I'm getting remarried. And in September we're having a little boy. We've already named him Cyrus, after my grandfather. I'm happy. Most of the time. But angry, all the time.
I left my last job when I caught myself climbing off the ladder as I was installing a return air duct on the train we were building to toss a co-worker off the mezzanine. My blood would start boiling about half way to work, boil over for the next eight to ten hours and then it would take me forever to calm down once I got home.
Nothing seems to be adding up. I've bought a home, I'm doing little remodels as we go, and I'm focused on being a good husband (again) and a good father. I've got a second chance at life and am truly looking forward to watching Cyrus grow up and spending the rest of my life with Karli. At the same, though, I know I'm still grieving for my first family.
But somewhere, deep down inside, it feels like I have no purpose. It feels like I'm spinning my wheels and going nowhere.
Over the past twenty five years I've been professionally paid to do everything to a car except drive 'em and sell 'em. And my body has paid the price. Limping along on a bad elbow, two bad knees, now my shoulders are giving me issues. I've got a lot of knowledge rolling around in my head, but a body that's giving up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I'm just saying as a matter of fact. I still get up every morning and do what I have to do. I just grit my teeth and go through the aches and pains. It's gotta get done. I'm just not really wanting to get back into the mechanical aspect of things. I don't want Cyrus to be pushing me in a wheelchair when I go to watch him graduate.
After owning two shops I've applied for managerial positions, but like a lot of corporate things out there the ads are either fishing for job talent or just delaying things. My last interview was over a month ago, assistant manager at the Advance I used to do business with. I've yet to get the call for the third interview in the process as corporate decides that one or two candidates aren't enough. So I'm waiting for someone else to apply to be able to get the final interview.
In the meantime, I'm watching the money dwindle and the only thing I've got to fall back on is an already overcrowded job market for techs and body men. There's no doubt I could get back into it and may need to. One more sacrifice in a long line of sacrifices. No big deal.
Those thirty days at Sarah's side in Strong Memorial, minute by minute life or death decisions, seemed to stretch out for years. While for everyone else it seemed that time went by fast, for me it seemed like time slowed down. I've been told I'm full of **** for thinking like that. The past two years seems to be full of judgements by people I trusted the most. I'm tired of being judged by people who think the world runs only the way they think and by their perspective.
It's been a while since I've said anything like this on here. It helps to get some of it off my chest, but really, it's time to seek outside help.
Last night was over the edge. I imagined hurting someone I love and then hurting myself. I came close to admitting myself to the local BSU, but decided that I couldn't take the week or so vacation. Instead I'll be making some phone calls for psychologists on Monday.
Okay, guys, here goes. Most of you don't know this, but I'm getting remarried. And in September we're having a little boy. We've already named him Cyrus, after my grandfather. I'm happy. Most of the time. But angry, all the time.
I left my last job when I caught myself climbing off the ladder as I was installing a return air duct on the train we were building to toss a co-worker off the mezzanine. My blood would start boiling about half way to work, boil over for the next eight to ten hours and then it would take me forever to calm down once I got home.
Nothing seems to be adding up. I've bought a home, I'm doing little remodels as we go, and I'm focused on being a good husband (again) and a good father. I've got a second chance at life and am truly looking forward to watching Cyrus grow up and spending the rest of my life with Karli. At the same, though, I know I'm still grieving for my first family.
But somewhere, deep down inside, it feels like I have no purpose. It feels like I'm spinning my wheels and going nowhere.
Over the past twenty five years I've been professionally paid to do everything to a car except drive 'em and sell 'em. And my body has paid the price. Limping along on a bad elbow, two bad knees, now my shoulders are giving me issues. I've got a lot of knowledge rolling around in my head, but a body that's giving up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I'm just saying as a matter of fact. I still get up every morning and do what I have to do. I just grit my teeth and go through the aches and pains. It's gotta get done. I'm just not really wanting to get back into the mechanical aspect of things. I don't want Cyrus to be pushing me in a wheelchair when I go to watch him graduate.
After owning two shops I've applied for managerial positions, but like a lot of corporate things out there the ads are either fishing for job talent or just delaying things. My last interview was over a month ago, assistant manager at the Advance I used to do business with. I've yet to get the call for the third interview in the process as corporate decides that one or two candidates aren't enough. So I'm waiting for someone else to apply to be able to get the final interview.
In the meantime, I'm watching the money dwindle and the only thing I've got to fall back on is an already overcrowded job market for techs and body men. There's no doubt I could get back into it and may need to. One more sacrifice in a long line of sacrifices. No big deal.
Those thirty days at Sarah's side in Strong Memorial, minute by minute life or death decisions, seemed to stretch out for years. While for everyone else it seemed that time went by fast, for me it seemed like time slowed down. I've been told I'm full of **** for thinking like that. The past two years seems to be full of judgements by people I trusted the most. I'm tired of being judged by people who think the world runs only the way they think and by their perspective.
It's been a while since I've said anything like this on here. It helps to get some of it off my chest, but really, it's time to seek outside help.
