walkintree
Well-Known Member
Up in heaven God was talking to an angel about this beautiful country he was creating. He described this place to the angel.
"It will have lakes, tall mountains, as well as big trees covering the land. The air will be crisp and fresh , the water will always be clean, and the people will be the most friendly you will ever meet."
"I will call it Canada and the people living inside; Canadians."
"But God." the angel questioned, "don't you think you are being too nice to these Canadians?"
"Nope!" replied God, "Just wait 'till you see their neighbors!"
"It will have lakes, tall mountains, as well as big trees covering the land. The air will be crisp and fresh , the water will always be clean, and the people will be the most friendly you will ever meet."
"I will call it Canada and the people living inside; Canadians."
"But God." the angel questioned, "don't you think you are being too nice to these Canadians?"
"Nope!" replied God, "Just wait 'till you see their neighbors!"
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On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a remote outport. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"How's she cuttin' bye" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "Hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Lard tunderin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of
everyting!"
"How's she cuttin' bye" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "Hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Lard tunderin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of
everyting!"
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Prime Minister Paul Martin, Finance Minister Ralph Goodale, and Revenue Minister John McCallum are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Goodale and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."
Goodale shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy."
Not to be outdone, McCallum says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make millions of people happy."
Goodale shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy."
Not to be outdone, McCallum says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make millions of people happy."
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A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Alberta. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to
read her book.
Along came Conservation Officer Al in his boat. He pulled up
alongside the woman and said,
" Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replied, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in
and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," said
the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," said the C.O.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
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A New Brunswicker, a Quebecer, and a Newfie were walking down the road together and they bumped into a lantern with a genie inside. Out pops the genie and he says, "I will grant you one wish each. Who wants to go first?"
The New Brunswicker says, "Me, I want to go first."
So the genie replies, "Ok, what is your wish?"
The New Brunswicker said, "My wish is to have a 2-lane highway
across New Brunswick, smooth as a baby's arse!" The genie said, "Poof! There you go. A highway as smooth as a baby's arse!"
The Quebecer pipes up and says, "Well I am going next! Genie, I
want a 20-foot wall around the border of Quebec to keep all the damn Englishmen out!"
Genie, "Poof! There's your 20-foot wall. Now Newfie, it is your turn. What do you want?" The Newfie looks at the genie and asks, "Genie, is that wall you just put around Quebec waterproof?"
Genie, "Yep!"
Newfie, "Filler up!"
The New Brunswicker says, "Me, I want to go first."
So the genie replies, "Ok, what is your wish?"
The New Brunswicker said, "My wish is to have a 2-lane highway
across New Brunswick, smooth as a baby's arse!" The genie said, "Poof! There you go. A highway as smooth as a baby's arse!"
The Quebecer pipes up and says, "Well I am going next! Genie, I
want a 20-foot wall around the border of Quebec to keep all the damn Englishmen out!"
Genie, "Poof! There's your 20-foot wall. Now Newfie, it is your turn. What do you want?" The Newfie looks at the genie and asks, "Genie, is that wall you just put around Quebec waterproof?"
Genie, "Yep!"
Newfie, "Filler up!"
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Only in Canada
1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we don't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and
buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
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Two guys from Saskatchewan die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh?" The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh?" This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go.
The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling bacon and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Regina so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight.
Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan, and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens.
NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is up with you two???" The guys from Saskatchewan look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know, eh?. If hell freezes over, it must mean the Roughriders have won the Grey Cup."
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Canada VS United States
This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)CANADIANS:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degrees north...
I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!
CANADIANS:
We are a lighthouse. Your call
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How Canadian women can fight terrorism
As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Sunday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Canadian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti- terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Canadian women.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The Canadian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God Bless Canada!
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I would be an American
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
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Dear God
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for
weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a
letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received
the letter to God , CANADA, they
decided to send it to the Prime Minister
The Prime Minister was so amused
that he instructed his secretary to
send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The Prime Minister thought this would
appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the
$5.00 bill and sat down to write a
thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for
sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through
OTTAWA, CAN and those assholes
deducted $95.00 in taxes.
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Canadian Tourism Humour
The most unusual questions tourists have asked at information bureaus across the country.**From Tourism Toronto, a toll free info and reservations line
- Why do French Canadians have a different accent from other Canadians?
- How do I apply for the Canadian Express Card?
- What's this Boxing Day in Toronto, do you box on that day?
- I heard about that new law and I'd like to find out... uh, my girlfriend would like to know the best places to go topless in Toronto.
- Caller: How far is Boston from Toronto?
Counselor: About 900 kilometers, or 565 miles.
Caller: So if I drive using miles, it won't take me as long to get there? Is that what you're saying? - Can I take the subway to Vancouver?
- Good afternoon, I'm entertaining some executives, and would like to know where they can ride llamas.
- What information do you have on Italy?
- Do you have automatic bank machines up there?
- Are you connected to Greenland?
- Can you tell me about the ferry from Halifax to Europe?
- Does Nova Scotia have a dress code?
- "That's such a lovely flag," said a tourist admiring the Canadian flag. 'Does it come in many colors?"
- Visitor: How far is it to Lake Louise?
Staff member: 40 miles
Visitor: How long is the trail?
Staff member: Five kilometers.
Visitor: What's that in English? - At which elevation do the elk change to moose?
- Can you book us baseball tickets at the SkyDome tonight? We're driving to Toronto this afternoon.
- Is the water coming over the falls real?
- What time do you turn on the rainbow?
- Are the CN Tower and SkyDome within walking distance?
- From a tourist who was admiring the falls at night, when they're lit up with various colored lights: What kind of dye do they put in the water to make it change color like that?
- How can I parachute over the falls?
- I have to be at this address in Vancouver for dinner at 5 o'clock this evening. How much time should I allow myself to drive there?
- Why do you Canadians have fireworks tonight? The 4th of July is still a few days away.
- Which way do we walk to get to Montreal? We'd like to go there for lunch.
