Last one to post in this thread wins!

Jokes, Funny Stuff, Anything Goes

  1. Yunick13

    Yunick13 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,919
    Likes Received:
    4423
    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2019
    Location:
    No longer here.
    Local Time:
    9:56 AM
    upload_2020-11-28_23-44-4.jpeg
     
    • Like Like x 5
    • Yunick13

      Yunick13 Well-Known Member

      Messages:
      1,919
      Likes Received:
      4423
      Joined:
      Sep 7, 2019
      Location:
      No longer here.
      Local Time:
      9:56 AM
      upload_2020-11-28_23-52-45.jpeg
       
      • Thanks! Thanks! x 2
      • Yunick13

        Yunick13 Well-Known Member

        Messages:
        1,919
        Likes Received:
        4423
        Joined:
        Sep 7, 2019
        Location:
        No longer here.
        Local Time:
        9:56 AM
        upload_2020-11-28_23-54-51.jpeg
         
        • Like Like x 3
        • Thanks! Thanks! x 1
        • Yunick13

          Yunick13 Well-Known Member

          Messages:
          1,919
          Likes Received:
          4423
          Joined:
          Sep 7, 2019
          Location:
          No longer here.
          Local Time:
          9:56 AM
          upload_2020-11-29_0-0-59.jpeg
           
          • Like Like x 3
          • Thanks! Thanks! x 1
          • Yunick13

            Yunick13 Well-Known Member

            Messages:
            1,919
            Likes Received:
            4423
            Joined:
            Sep 7, 2019
            Location:
            No longer here.
            Local Time:
            9:56 AM
            O x y m o r o n s


            1. Is it good if
            a vacuum really sucks?

            2. Why is the third hand
            on the watch
            called the second hand?

            3. If a word is misspelled
            in the dictionary,
            how would we ever know?

            4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,
            where did he find the words?

            5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
            What is a whack?

            6. Why does "slow down" and
            "slow up" mean the same thing?

            7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
            mean the same thing?

            8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

            9. Why do we sing
            "Take me out to the ball game"
            when we are already there?

            10. Why are they called "grand stands"
            when they are made for sitting?

            11. Why is it called "after dark"
            when it really is "after light"?

            12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
            make the unexpected expected?

            13. Why are a "wise man" and
            a "wise guy" opposites?

            14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"
            mean opposite things?

            15. Why is "phonics"
            not spelled
            the way it sounds?

            16. If work is so terrific,
            why do they have to pay you to do it?

            17. If all the world is a stage,
            where is the audience sitting?

            18. If love is blind,
            why is lingerie so popular?

            19. If you are cross-eyed
            and have dyslexia,
            can you read all right?

            20. Why is bra singular
            and panties plural?

            21. Why do you press harder
            on the buttons of a remote control
            when you know the batteries are dead?

            22. Why do we put suits in garment bags
            and garments in a suitcase?

            23. How come abbreviated
            is such a long word?

            24. Why do we wash bath towels?
            Aren't we clean when we use them?

            25. Why doesn't glue
            stick to the inside of the bottle?

            26. Why do they call it a TV set
            when you only have one?


            27. Why do we drive on a parkway
            and park on a driveway?
             
            • Like Like x 4
            • Yunick13

              Yunick13 Well-Known Member

              Messages:
              1,919
              Likes Received:
              4423
              Joined:
              Sep 7, 2019
              Location:
              No longer here.
              Local Time:
              9:56 AM
              An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

              Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

              So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

              This is what transpired.

              Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??
              Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

              Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

              Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

              Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

              Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

              Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

              Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

              Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

              Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

              Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!

              Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."

              Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

              Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

              Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!
               
              • Like Like x 3
              • Agree Agree x 2
              • Yunick13

                Yunick13 Well-Known Member

                Messages:
                1,919
                Likes Received:
                4423
                Joined:
                Sep 7, 2019
                Location:
                No longer here.
                Local Time:
                9:56 AM
                This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)

                After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

                I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

                At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

                Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

                This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

                Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect
                 
                • Like Like x 2
                • Yunick13

                  Yunick13 Well-Known Member

                  Messages:
                  1,919
                  Likes Received:
                  4423
                  Joined:
                  Sep 7, 2019
                  Location:
                  No longer here.
                  Local Time:
                  9:56 AM
                  December 8 - 6:00 PM
                  It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!


                  December 9
                  We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!


                  December 12
                  The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.


                  December 14
                  Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.


                  December 15
                  20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.


                  December 16
                  Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.


                  December 17
                  Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


                  December 20
                  Electricity' s back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.


                  December 22
                  Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the *sshole is lying.


                  December 23
                  Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.


                  December 24
                  6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b$tch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.


                  December 25
                  Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful Life' one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.


                  December 26
                  Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


                  December 27
                  Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.


                  December 28
                  Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The B!TCH is driving me crazy!!!


                  December 29
                  10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?


                  December 30
                  Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his *ss. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.


                  December 31
                  I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.


                  January 8
                  Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
                   
                  • Like Like x 3
                  • Yunick13

                    Yunick13 Well-Known Member

                    Messages:
                    1,919
                    Likes Received:
                    4423
                    Joined:
                    Sep 7, 2019
                    Location:
                    No longer here.
                    Local Time:
                    9:56 AM
                    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle, and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

                    "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
                    He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
                    "An ambulance just drove by!"
                    "Looks like the neighbors have company,"
                    "Matt's riding a new bike!"
                    "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
                    "Jason is on his skate board!"
                    After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
                    Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"
                    "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
                     
                    • Like Like x 3
                    • Yunick13

                      Yunick13 Well-Known Member

                      Messages:
                      1,919
                      Likes Received:
                      4423
                      Joined:
                      Sep 7, 2019
                      Location:
                      No longer here.
                      Local Time:
                      9:56 AM
                      An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

                      Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

                      At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

                      Dearest Wife,

                      Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

                      Your Loving Husband.

                      P.S. Sure is hot down here.
                       
                      • Like Like x 2
                      • Yunick13

                        Yunick13 Well-Known Member

                        Messages:
                        1,919
                        Likes Received:
                        4423
                        Joined:
                        Sep 7, 2019
                        Location:
                        No longer here.
                        Local Time:
                        9:56 AM
                        Might have over did it a little. Good night.

                        Last​
                         
                        • Like Like x 1
                        • Thanks! Thanks! x 1
                        • Biff

                          Biff Cheep not easy

                          Messages:
                          6,787
                          Likes Received:
                          13913
                          Joined:
                          Jan 30, 2017
                          Location:
                          Canada
                          Local Time:
                          7:56 AM
                          Whew first .
                           
                          • Like Like x 1
                          • Biff

                            Biff Cheep not easy

                            Messages:
                            6,787
                            Likes Received:
                            13913
                            Joined:
                            Jan 30, 2017
                            Location:
                            Canada
                            Local Time:
                            7:56 AM
                            19E5878D-1AD6-438D-9311-7B7BC0EA93BE.jpeg
                             
                            • Agree Agree x 3
                            • Like Like x 1
                            • Mark Wainwright

                              Mark Wainwright Well-Known Member

                              Messages:
                              12,814
                              Likes Received:
                              23479
                              Joined:
                              Jan 4, 2017
                              Location:
                              Ontario Canada
                              Local Time:
                              10:56 AM
                              • Agree Agree x 1
                              • Mark Wainwright

                                Mark Wainwright Well-Known Member

                                Messages:
                                12,814
                                Likes Received:
                                23479
                                Joined:
                                Jan 4, 2017
                                Location:
                                Ontario Canada
                                Local Time:
                                10:56 AM
                                But prefer Hooters and Butt.
                                 
                                • Like Like x 1
                                • Agree Agree x 1
                                • Mark Wainwright

                                  Mark Wainwright Well-Known Member

                                  Messages:
                                  12,814
                                  Likes Received:
                                  23479
                                  Joined:
                                  Jan 4, 2017
                                  Location:
                                  Ontario Canada
                                  Local Time:
                                  10:56 AM
                                  • Like Like x 3
                                  • Mark Wainwright

                                    Mark Wainwright Well-Known Member

                                    Messages:
                                    12,814
                                    Likes Received:
                                    23479
                                    Joined:
                                    Jan 4, 2017
                                    Location:
                                    Ontario Canada
                                    Local Time:
                                    10:56 AM
                                    • Like Like x 3
                                    • Mark Wainwright

                                      Mark Wainwright Well-Known Member

                                      Messages:
                                      12,814
                                      Likes Received:
                                      23479
                                      Joined:
                                      Jan 4, 2017
                                      Location:
                                      Ontario Canada
                                      Local Time:
                                      10:56 AM
                                      • Like Like x 2
                                      • Agree Agree x 1
                                      • Mark Wainwright

                                        Mark Wainwright Well-Known Member

                                        Messages:
                                        12,814
                                        Likes Received:
                                        23479
                                        Joined:
                                        Jan 4, 2017
                                        Location:
                                        Ontario Canada
                                        Local Time:
                                        10:56 AM
                                        • Like Like x 1
                                        • chryslerfat

                                          chryslerfat Well-Known Member

                                          Messages:
                                          14,227
                                          Likes Received:
                                          9933
                                          Joined:
                                          Aug 23, 2008
                                          Location:
                                          Monroe,Michigan
                                          Local Time:
                                          10:56 AM
                                          For all you retired guys its Sunday morning
                                           
                                          • Like Like x 3
                                          • Thanks! Thanks! x 2
                                          • Mark Wainwright

                                            Mark Wainwright Well-Known Member

                                            Messages:
                                            12,814
                                            Likes Received:
                                            23479
                                            Joined:
                                            Jan 4, 2017
                                            Location:
                                            Ontario Canada
                                            Local Time:
                                            10:56 AM
                                            Thanks CF but I checked on my pill dispenser already. Hope you're having a great weekend.
                                             
                                            • Like Like x 2
                                            • Agree Agree x 2
                                            • Thanks! Thanks! x 1
                                            • Yunick13

                                              Yunick13 Well-Known Member

                                              Messages:
                                              1,919
                                              Likes Received:
                                              4423
                                              Joined:
                                              Sep 7, 2019
                                              Location:
                                              No longer here.
                                              Local Time:
                                              9:56 AM
                                              Cloudy day today. Not even supposed to hit 50. Calling for snow by middle of the week.

                                              Hope you all stay cool today.
                                               
                                              • Like Like x 5
                                              • Fred Scigliano

                                                Fred Scigliano Off center a bit

                                                Messages:
                                                16,495
                                                Likes Received:
                                                23763
                                                Joined:
                                                Nov 26, 2017
                                                Location:
                                                NORTH DAKOTA
                                                Local Time:
                                                9:56 AM
                                                sunny and 29* here today and looks like no snow for a week.
                                                What you up to today 13?
                                                Not sure what I'm doing yet.
                                                 
                                                • Like Like x 4
                                                • Yunick13

                                                  Yunick13 Well-Known Member

                                                  Messages:
                                                  1,919
                                                  Likes Received:
                                                  4423
                                                  Joined:
                                                  Sep 7, 2019
                                                  Location:
                                                  No longer here.
                                                  Local Time:
                                                  9:56 AM
                                                  Thanksgiving dinner with family. Quite a few not showing up, but I'm going. Grandparents are adament about having it.
                                                   
                                                  • Like Like x 1
                                                  • Fred Scigliano

                                                    Fred Scigliano Off center a bit

                                                    Messages:
                                                    16,495
                                                    Likes Received:
                                                    23763
                                                    Joined:
                                                    Nov 26, 2017
                                                    Location:
                                                    NORTH DAKOTA
                                                    Local Time:
                                                    9:56 AM
                                                    Sad not everyone can go, we are doing our Thanksgiving next Saturday so everyone can be there.
                                                     
                                                    • Like Like x 2
                                                    • Agree Agree x 1
                                                    1. This site uses cookies to help personalize content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
                                                      By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.