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O x y m o r o n s 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 10. Why are they called "grand stands" when they are made for sitting? 11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 20. Why is bra singular and panties plural? 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? 27. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. This is what transpired. Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ?? Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back." Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..." Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500." Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care) After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned . Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect
December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life! December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20 Electricity' s back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the *sshole is lying. December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b$tch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow. December 25 Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful Life' one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave. December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes. December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The B!TCH is driving me crazy!!! December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his *ss. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted. December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle, and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the neighbors have company," "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Might have over did it a little. Good night. Last
Whew first .
I'm sure you can outdo this Biff.
But prefer Hooters and Butt.
Hope she doesn't break a fingernail.
Typical...a Ford stopped on the side of the road with the hood up.
Must be Canadian lol
Good one Biff
For all you retired guys its Sunday morning
Thanks CF but I checked on my pill dispenser already. Hope you're having a great weekend.
Cloudy day today. Not even supposed to hit 50. Calling for snow by middle of the week. Hope you all stay cool today.
sunny and 29* here today and looks like no snow for a week. What you up to today 13? Not sure what I'm doing yet.
Thanksgiving dinner with family. Quite a few not showing up, but I'm going. Grandparents are adament about having it.
Sad not everyone can go, we are doing our Thanksgiving next Saturday so everyone can be there.