personal issues help!

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hamesdart

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ok guys heres my problem i have, I took in my father who had no place to live a year ago or so... hes 52.. im 20, my fiance is 19 and my son is 2.
I lived in a two bedroom 1 bath before he came and when he moved in i deceded we needed more space and i wanted a garage so i got a bigger house so he would have a room and i would have a garage and a workshop..
Now the problem is that after 2 years he isnt working still even though he has an amazing track record of work (7 years college, lawer,judge,cop....)
I am now at the point of destruction, i have been telling him for years to try and find work and he still hasnt.... he watches my son except when hes at school monday/wed/friday/ 7am-noon and weekends. so it does help to have him financially as a sitter but the cost of food and utilities and getting a bigger house is killing me.... his weight and back / knee problems keep him from really working too much but he can get a legal job in an office somewere but just wont... im not sure what to do.. i recently told him he has to get a job and help or move.... but knowing he has nowere to go im afraid of him leaving.my brother cant help and my dad cant stand his girlfriend and he actually is considering moving out of state now just to handle the issue... and hope to find work out there and live with distant family.

Hes living off me and begging my brother for money daily to get by but being my father im between a rock and a hard place... im 20 years old and getting married prettty soon here and i just feel dumb having my dad sleeping in the guest room and feel like after i moved out when i was 16 and lived on my own until now having my parents moving back in is crazy... and the wifey to be seems she wants him gone too except the fact she will miss him too and probly dosnt want the extra cost of day care we cant afford....

what do you guys think?????
 
Have you told your dad how you feel? Try talking to him and see how he feels about living with his son. I'm no doctor but, I would feel like crap if I had to move in with my son at 52. I don't plan on mooching from my kids until I'm 60......If I make it that far:)
 
Wow, that`s tough especially when it`s family, but it`s not right for you to bear the burden of raising a grown man in good health. You need to give him an ultimatum with a time limit. Tell him to get a job and give him a time in which he is to vacate your home. Whether he`s working or not by that time doesn`t matter, you`ll have to be firm and send him packing. It`s called tough love and works both ways. He should apply for unemployment in the meantime if he`s not working and find a place of his own.
 
Another thought is he took care of you for at least 16 years........Don't you owe him at least 16 years? I'm sure it wasn't cotton candy for him all those years.
 
First of all may I say that your a big man for your age standing tall for your Dad. Now that aside, you are really in a pickle, it's hard to tell your Dad what to do and especially hard when you love him. I too would find it hard to depend on my kids but he is oviously an educated man so just look him in the eye and ask him to help YOU now in any way he can. Even if it's just working enough to cover his own costs at your place would be a great start to him getting back on his feet. I know personally that communication between a son and father can be very tough but take it from someone who's dad is long gone, work with him and stay being his close son because you will miss him when he is gone.
 
Longgone said:
Wow, that`s tough especially when it`s family, but it`s not right for you to bear the burden of raising a grown man in good health. You need to give him an ultimatum with a time limit. Tell him to get a job and give him a time in which he is to vacate your home. Whether he`s working or not by that time doesn`t matter, you`ll have to be firm and send him packing. It`s called tough love and works both ways. He should apply for unemployment in the meantime if he`s not working and find a place of his own.
Click to expand...

Well put,I think that is the road you have to go down.
 
Parents do occasionally move back in with the children but that's at 80, not at 52. Has he no pride? I wont ask where his wife is. This isn't fair to your bride to be. She must love you a bunch if she puts up with this issue. Dont get in over your head for the welfare of someone that isn't trying. I've helped people before myself but when i finally see they are using me and wont help themselves to anything other than my pocket book, the door slams, and quick. You are jeaordizing your relationship with your lady, if that matters.
Small Block
 
Maybe try to help him find a job in the fields that he is trained.

If an opportunity comes up and he declines it, then you know where his heart is and you can make your decision easier based on how he handles it.

You said he was a cop?

Maybe he can go to the police chief and ask is there are any openings for possibly a school resource officer, or something in that field that does not require an element of danger.

There are also alot of work from home programs available just be careful not to get suckered into putting money down for starter kits.

Small businesses are always in need of people to deliver/pick up stuff like parts runners, car detailers, odd job stuff.

Maybe he can work a private security job.....I dunno, just some suggestions that may spark his interest.

Good luck by the way.
I know exactly what you are going through as my marriage has been a whirlwind from the get go with my Wifes Brother dying in a motorcycle accident during our honeymoon with taking care of elderly relatives, kids, foster kids, my own kids, and everyone else and their mother's kids since we were 19 y.o newly weds, but someone has to do it.
And yes, you have to use tough love when someone takes advantage of your hospitality and kindness.

There always comes a time when all the options have to be laid out on the table with an ultimatum.
If they don't want to respect your wishes, then you have to make a hard decision based on how they handle it.

Sounds like your dad just needs some motivation.
 
Vic Storm is dead on with his advice. See if he can do anything to help your situation. Communication is the first key though.
 
Call his physician and tell him the situation. I'd bet the Dr. will check your dad for depression the next time he has an appointment.

Then, talk to your dad, letting him know you understand things may not be what they used to be, but that you feel he is still capable of being a productive person. Given what you say about your dad's work history, I'd put a large bet on depression being a problem. You don't mention your mother, so I'm guessing that relationship might be the source of your dad's mindset.
 
I know how you feel. Both of my parents, my brother and sister-n-law, wife's sister and her kid ALL moved in with us within 2 weeks after I got married. I HAD a large house. Now I spend my days crying in the shower, hahaha J/K. With the job market down I dont have a problem helping people out. I just wonder if things change would they do it for me and the wife? My guess is that they would.
 
i,m that age and have a few health issues too but if i was living with my kids and they fed me at least i could get a job at Lowes or ?Home Depot. Something so I had my own money and would save to get an apartment or at least a small travel trailer so i didnt impose. I feel for ya. That situation has gotta suck. I say a grown man has to be responsible for hisself. Give him the boot. You will be doing him a favor. He has no choice but to survive and he will earn a little pride in the process. Sounds like he needs a woman to put a foot in his a$$. Mine would put one in mine if I didnt bring her a paycheck.Good Luck hope things work out for ya.
 
Sounds JUST like Nikkis dad! He watches Nikkis nephew and mooches off her sister. He tried it with Nikki and me and we told him to get lost because he sucks the life out of everyone around him!
Your dad is a grown up and needs to take care of himself not have you do it for him! Kick him out and he will either sink or swim. It isn't your problem, you have your own to take care of!
 
Thats your Dad bro. Do what ever it takes to help him.Hopefully just like he would do if the shoe was on the other foot.
 
I feel for you. This is a hard spot for someone your age. If falls on you to take control of the situation. You need to have a heart to heart with your Dad, let him know you are not attacking him but you have to work out a solution to this problem together and both agree to it.

I'm not a religious person but I believe 'Honor thy mother and father' is one of the 10 Commandments for a reason, and I don't agree with kicking him out.
 
Wow, lots going on here. You've taken on a lot at age 20 and it's no wonder you are feeling the pressure. Most important thing here is your 2 year old son and please remember, you were once 2 years old and you were the most important thing to your dad. That makes it real tough. I'll take a guess here that something traumatic has happened in your dad's life and it probably cost him almost everything except you. You don't have to bear this alone. Sounds like you have siblings and they need to know what's going on and they need to help financially and with support. I expect your dad will be something of a bear to deal with as well. Being 52, out of work and dealing with health problems can be pretty hard on your pride. No easy way to deal with any of this. Any social assistance available for him?
 
Its almost heartbreaking, the 1st thing I thought of was depression for your dad, someone else mentioned it and that is the 1st thing I would do is have him checked out. You dont want to give him the boot and not know where he is. Obviously you and him have or had a good relationship or he wouldnt be living with you. As well you have to take your boys feelings into consideration. You dont want to hurt the little boy. You are taking on a lot of responsibility, but thats what you do for family. IMO I would even speak to your dr about it and see what his advice is. Good luck to you and the entire household
 
No one has asked why he had to move in with you. Did your mom pass away, did they get divorced, did he get fired and lose his house? Depression is hard to get out of without profession help and even with help it isnt easy. Take him to a doctor and have him checked, there is no reason why a heathy 52 year old man would rather mooch off his son than work and provide for himself.Good luck...you are in a sticky situation.
 
For 20 yrs old you're carrying a REAL heavy load, kudos to you. As to your problem, I think here's a good case for tough-love. As a former cop & lawyer your Dad is used to dealikng with cold, hard facts which at times he may not have likede. Since he's kinda used to that, tell him. At 52 he's too young to be mooching off kids, jobs ARE obtainable and after this much time he's just taking advantage. while depression IS hard to deal with & one simply jusy can't "snap out of it" he also needs guidance & motivation of some sort to get him to move on. our telling him just how you feel & how it "is" may just be that impetus --tell him. If he's any kind of parent he isn'tgoing to want to see his son's young family burdened with his problems & it may be the push he needs.....
 
I have to agree with the depression issue and would talk to a doctor about the situation. There are a lot of issues that could cause it and sometimes it helps for that person to talk to someone outside the family. My dad lost his job and was too proud to ask for help, didn't want to talk about it, then drank his way into a stroke. That put him in a nursing home and then the Veterans Home where he lived his remaining years. Issues like this may not be as simple as they appear on the surface.
 
wow! i didnt know it would get this much feedback....
Well al and all for him its depression, his dad died and then got divorced rite after that. so he gave up and stocked working and took care of me and my brother and then lost the house... so i went off on my own at 16 and he went couch surfing. As for now he has back/knee/heart problems so its hard for him.... he cant sit or stand for too long but all and all its getting worked out.
I have done the altimatem and told him get a job/income of somekind like disability or something or he has to move..... i have had a few talks but after a while he kinda peters out and gives up again. All and all i thought about it and since my options are have my son raised by his grandpa or a babysitter/daycare i would rather have family... and i would give my left arm for family and friends so helping dosnt bother me... its just went i work 14 hours a day in the oilfield to support my family and its getting taken advantage of and taken for granted it pisses me off to the extreme.
All and all i think if he puts in his share of help and money im ok with it.
While hes getting up there in age even though hes only in his early 50's i would like to spend all the time we have together.

Thanks guys!!!!! great dr. phil session
 
A hobby and some social time with folks he knows his own age along with help from a dr will go a long way.:cheers:
I enjoy setting a good tent up and being alone and get some fresh air in me and see the simple things in life and take a close look at my self.
Does he ever get out? and have his own car ?
A broken spirit is what I am seeing in your father hamsdart.:read2:
I am the same age as your father and it would kill me to know I did not have a place of my own even if it's just a camper tailor close by so he can still help you with his grandson.
I don't know how long I will be on this big ball but I just could not be happy in your fathers position, Depression and not getting out and doing something beside's the couch and kids will be very hard on him.
I wish I had the back ground your father has....:angry7:
You are a strong young gun and most likely older then your years from what I am reading.:read2:
Keep him busy and love him and stand tall for him and your family.
You make the call's 8) and keep him off the couch as much as possible
Idle time is not good for folks in his position:clock:
I hope the best for you and keep yourself happy what ever you do, Your happiness is your health, and your son need's you on your top game now...
 
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