Rebuilding a Carr

[gdrill]

Good morning Robert. I say that because that is the way I start my days. Good morning does mean something to me. I am not able to give a bunch of personal accounts that could be compared to the hard times some have faced, but I am able to relate none the less. I saw your first thread, "Broken" and it helped me understand some more of where you have been. I will say that this thread was a good idea. It is just rung on the ladder, but each step puts us closer to where we want and should be. I am not a psychologist, but I do know talking, listening, admitting and accepting are major factors in a healing process. You are good at these things. You will do fine.

Take care down there
George

 

[Oldschoolcuda]

One day at a time is absolutely right and thank you for creating this thread and your honesty.

Will not go into my specific issues but viewing these posts have already helped me as i hope they are helping you and others.
Easier said then done but i think of my late fathers saying
“Life is 5% about what happens to you and 95% about what you do about what happens to you”
when i start goin to the darkside as i call it.

 

[Dicer]

Nobody knows better what sorts of demons we harbor, then our self’s. Robert, your problems are triple fold over what I have gone through, but I did manage to slide down the slippery sloop of loneness and despair. I did seek console, and went to several group sessions, always my problems seem so relevant and so trivial compare to these poor souls’ I was seated next to.

After the third group session, I wanted to talk to my consular, on how I though this treatment was going for me. I told her these group sessions are enlighten but it fails to fix my problems. I am pretty sure this question was ask of her many times before, “Dave, we offer help, it’s really up to you to use the tools we offer to fix your problems”, I am sure she was tired and just wanted to close shop and head home..

I headed home, still broken, got to be a way to get out of this. No such thing as a home computer for searches, not then, not for me. Pacing around the house looking, looking for anything. Just happen to see my Bible on book shelf, it felt like it was looking straight back at me. I pulled the book out and flipped open the many pages, and just stuck my finger out.

“I can do all things through Christ which strengthened me”, these words had a very profound effect on me, and my eyes welled with tears. I found it! I made hand written copies of these words, taped them on my bathroom mirror, on the dash of the car, inside of my locker at work, on the fridge. Anywhere that I may rest my eyes just for moment. These tools worked for me. The power of positive thinking and the strength of words well written.

My man, you are on the path of recovery, you have the strength of many prayers.


Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ which strengthened me.

 

[ramenth]

I realized coming into this thread I would have to be honest about everything.

I've lied enough about this or that or the other thing that it became rote. It became easy. In trying to cover up the things I've done I was really trying to bury the truth about myself, even to me.

I can't lie to myself anymore about anything.

I can't lie to myself that the woman I've ever truly loved is the one sitting next me and I can't lie anymore about how we came to marry.

I can't lie and deny that I have an illness like I have all summer.

I can't manuipulate things to my favor anymore and look for an advantage.

That's all got to go.

If it looses me some respect amongst my peers, so be it. If it gains me respect amongst others, so be it.

I can at least finally say that I'm honest with myself. And that's one of the biggest steps toward making my life right.

 

[ramenth]

And, just like that... A good day can go south because I want to take something innocent and blow it out or proportion in my own mind.

Times like that I focus on the positive and the actual evidence in front of me and what that means to me.

I use it as motivation to do what I need to do.

 

[inkjunkie]

Not to hijack....more to educate. Have always been a Jeckyl and Hyde guy. On top of the planet one minute....digging a pit of despair the next. A bit violent at times. At 13 someone tried to break into my parents house, ran him down and beat him damn to death. Dad became disabled, was with him in a convience store. Was 16. Someone made a comment about crippled folks...went bat **** crazy...took 5 guys to pull me off. 19 years old someone looked at me cross...I ran him down and bit him, ripped off a chunk of flesh. Got married, put Lisa thru hell. Several violent fights. Put a loaded .357 in my mouth and pulled the trigger...oddly enough that was the calmest moment in my life up to that point.
Started self medicating at 15. Tanker fills of beer. Around 30 years old was put on antidepressants...worst thing I ever did. Took care of my mood swings. Was constant manic. Non-stop arguing with anybody & everybody. Stopped the self medicating, flushed the pills.
18-20 therapists, counselors etc. One of them actually had a panic button...and summoned the local Police several times during our sessions.
Found Charlie. Spent hours venting in his office. Started hanging out with Joe, 15 years clean and sober. Drugs and booze caused him his bike road racing career. His wife and son packed up and took off in the middle of the night. Found himself living in a cardboard box just off the strip in Vegas. Met my tattoo artist, oddly the pain of getting inked was VERY therapeutic.
Spent many hours with the 3 of them. Charlie kept telling me at the end of our sessions that I was mixed bi-polar, severe, with psychotic tendencies.
Some weeks I saw Charlie 3 times. After a year of hearing the bipolar thing I asked him to explain it. The psychotic tendencies was easy to understand. Took a while to fully understand what the rest of it meant. And then I fought, internally, for a while with this. I hear a constant buzzing. Got checked for that ear ringing thing, wasn't it. Mentioned it to Charlie, he just laughed. Mentioned that often times, when my brain was running wide open with my thoughts clear as mud that often times I hear the strangest things. A bagpipe player, a leafblower. Various other things. One night at work the ringing was getting louder....turns it it is not ringing. The noise is voices, just below audible. Scare the snot out of me when the ringing became a voice....I stopped the machine I was running, walked out of work and sat on the wall in front of the building...crying. Thought I finally lost it.
Started talking to Charlie, dissecting my life. Noticed that when I was in a low stress setting I was relatively calm. Put me in a stressful situation and I would start having very rapid mood swings. Noticed every time I spoke with my mother that I was flat out hostile for several days. Got in a major argument with my mother...over getting married to a, excuse the language, mother f..king Spic. Yes. Mom was a racist. Walked away from my family. Noticed that the reduction in stress helped some with my mood swings. Talked to Charlie, explaining to him that I now understand the bipolar thing. Agreed to have my doc give me the standard bipolar cocktail, a mood stabilizer and antidepressants. Couldn't get up to the medical levels of the mood stabilizer meds. Against my dogs wishes I had them put me on antidepressants. Which did nothing but trigger constant mania.
Charlie asked if I was finally ready to talk about how to deal with my problem.
Remove as much stress from my life as possible. In addition to being bipolar I am allergic to stupidity.
Writing was on the wall....no more work....no more living in a city environment.
One trip to As I stopped by a co-workers place. Spent an hour or so talking with him. Was there to pick something up. As I was backing out of his driveway he yelled for me to stop. He had 1 question....what happened to the asshole that he used to work with. I told him he was still around, just waiting for stress to wake him up.
Apologies for the length.

 

[mycuda]

Your not alone.
Everyone copes differently.
I like your positive expression.
It shows where you were, presently are and where you want to be again, comfortably.

Good outlook, very important.


Dave.

 

[ramenth]

Not to hijack....more to educate. Have always been a Jeckyl and Hyde guy. On top of the planet one minute....digging a pit of despair the next. A bit violent at times. At 13 someone tried to break into my parents house, ran him down and beat him damn to death. Dad became disabled, was with him in a convience store. Was 16. Someone made a comment about crippled folks...went bat **** crazy...took 5 guys to pull me off. 19 years old someone looked at me cross...I ran him down and bit him, ripped off a chunk of flesh. Got married, put Lisa thru hell. Several violent fights. Put a loaded .357 in my mouth and pulled the trigger...oddly enough that was the calmest moment in my life up to that point.
Started self medicating at 15. Tanker fills of beer. Around 30 years old was put on antidepressants...worst thing I ever did. Took care of my mood swings. Was constant manic. Non-stop arguing with anybody & everybody. Stopped the self medicating, flushed the pills.
18-20 therapists, counselors etc. One of them actually had a panic button...and summoned the local Police several times during our sessions.
Found Charlie. Spent hours venting in his office. Started hanging out with Joe, 15 years clean and sober. Drugs and booze caused him his bike road racing career. His wife and son packed up and took off in the middle of the night. Found himself living in a cardboard box just off the strip in Vegas. Met my tattoo artist, oddly the pain of getting inked was VERY therapeutic.
Spent many hours with the 3 of them. Charlie kept telling me at the end of our sessions that I was mixed bi-polar, severe, with psychotic tendencies.
Some weeks I saw Charlie 3 times. After a year of hearing the bipolar thing I asked him to explain it. The psychotic tendencies was easy to understand. Took a while to fully understand what the rest of it meant. And then I fought, internally, for a while with this. I hear a constant buzzing. Got checked for that ear ringing thing, wasn't it. Mentioned it to Charlie, he just laughed. Mentioned that often times, when my brain was running wide open with my thoughts clear as mud that often times I hear the strangest things. A bagpipe player, a leafblower. Various other things. One night at work the ringing was getting louder....turns it it is not ringing. The noise is voices, just below audible. Scare the snot out of me when the ringing became a voice....I stopped the machine I was running, walked out of work and sat on the wall in front of the building...crying. Thought I finally lost it.
Started talking to Charlie, dissecting my life. Noticed that when I was in a low stress setting I was relatively calm. Put me in a stressful situation and I would start having very rapid mood swings. Noticed every time I spoke with my mother that I was flat out hostile for several days. Got in a major argument with my mother...over getting married to a, excuse the language, mother f..king Spic. Yes. Mom was a racist. Walked away from my family. Noticed that the reduction in stress helped some with my mood swings. Talked to Charlie, explaining to him that I now understand the bipolar thing. Agreed to have my doc give me the standard bipolar cocktail, a mood stabilizer and antidepressants. Couldn't get up to the medical levels of the mood stabilizer meds. Against my dogs wishes I had them put me on antidepressants. Which did nothing but trigger constant mania.
Charlie asked if I was finally ready to talk about how to deal with my problem.
Remove as much stress from my life as possible. In addition to being bipolar I am allergic to stupidity.
Writing was on the wall....no more work....no more living in a city environment.
One trip to As I stopped by a co-workers place. Spent an hour or so talking with him. Was there to pick something up. As I was backing out of his driveway he yelled for me to stop. He had 1 question....what happened to the asshole that he used to work with. I told him he was still around, just waiting for stress to wake him up.
Apologies for the length.

No apologies necessary, Doug and definitely not a hijack. Your experiences and words of wisdom (for me) are always welcome.

 

[Ddaddy]

And, just like that... A good day can go south because I want to take something innocent and blow it out or proportion in my own mind.

Times like that I focus on the positive and the actual evidence in front of me and what that means to me.

I use it as motivation to do what I need to do.

As long as you are able to see it, understand it and work to make it better...you are on the right path. Keep going!

 

[ramenth]

As long as you are able to see it, understand it and work to make it better...you are on the right path. Keep going!

My mind likes to go to the worst case scenario, know matter what I see or what I've been told by those I trust. I become suspicious, covetous, jealous, and whole list of negative emotions.

Truthfully, with every pun intended, it drives me insane. And it's those times that makes me question if I'm worth it.

At those moments it makes me question myself. I hate questioning myself, as it's all brand new to me.

So, I have to hit the reset button. I have to purposely put all the positive in front of me. I have to become determined to not let it overwhelm me and tell myself that I've got this.

 

[ramenth]

@inkjunkie

Doug, interesting that you talk about hearing voices.

I've heard a choir singing in the house. And I've heard voices that I couldn't possibly hear say stuff that I don't *want* to hear...

 

[inkjunkie]

Sure you are well aware that many mental ailments share symptoms. I mentioned to you in the past that you may have a bit of PTSD. Or perhaps it was in that email I was working on but never finished. Some folks no doubt think only folks that spend some time in a war zone can get it but....

I'm not a big fan of any of the mental health meds. Could be because I have had 0 luck with them. Every doc I have talked with has told me that giving an antidepressant to a bipolar person is going to cause a near constant manic state. I know for me they did...had several friends that were bipolar in my past...Every one of them that was on an antidepressant by itself had the same thing happen. Some of my most memorable manic freakouts were when I was taking antidepressants.

 

[Tooljunkie]

As i told my story,i’m still an outsider. I used to have mood swings,flip out and destroy things,but never against a person. Some scars from these things. My common law wife of 26 plus years,once a month would do anything to get on my nerves. Was in her nature,start an argument and go to the bitter end. FOR NO REASON. fight to the death.
Until i realized that is her monthly thing.
I would leave. Drive far. Hours away.
Then i would point it out,and somehow i resisted the temptation to argue and leave.
I finally succeeded. That stress alone made me nuts.
Its been done and gone for a long time.

My lifelong friend’s dad passed from cancer,months later his mom was killed by some asshat that read a book and decided to play it out. He gets out in a few years.
Like my other friend,others bailed because they didnt know what to say. Nope, not me.
But,my dad passed away when i was 19.so i had some idea how he felt.

Friends may not always be around,finding strength from within some days is easy, others not so much.

You are courageous enough to share,and encouraging others to realize you arent alone.
Take care.

 

[ramenth]

Sure you are well aware that many mental ailments share symptoms. I mentioned to you in the past that you may have a bit of PTSD. Or perhaps it was in that email I was working on but never finished. Some folks no doubt think only folks that spend some time in a war zone can get it but....

I'm not a big fan of any of the mental health meds. Could be because I have had 0 luck with them. Every doc I have talked with has told me that giving an antidepressant to a bipolar person is going to cause a near constant manic state. I know for me they did...had several friends that were bipolar in my past...Every one of them that was on an antidepressant by itself had the same thing happen. Some of my most memorable manic freakouts were when I was taking antidepressants.

Which is where I am with the Celexa. It doesn't even begin to stop the manic moods or constant switches.

I did much better on Zoloft and am going to talk to the shrink once the referral is done about going back to it.

Karli thinks I need a combination.

You and I both know my diagnosis is incomplete. The week long stay in the pysche ward was a quick in and out. Only saw the admitting shrink once and the discharge shrink once and she was more concerned about Karli being willing to take me home after the physical altercation. The time in between was a few group therapy sessions and a lot of reading to help make the time pass.

In that time I was diagnosed depressive with anger issues. Imagine that. But depression doesn't explain everything else going on.

 

[Ddaddy]

Madness only exists for those who don't recognize that there is something wrong inside.

For those that do recognize the issue within themselves, hope exists. Keep looking within to identify the issues and work outside yourself to control it and make it better everyday. Seek the docs that understand and work with them to help you on the path to the person you want to be.

It's all a journey...and the best travelers find the best companions that make their journey more successful.

Keep seeking and keep striving for the goal you want for yourself. The Carr can be the one everyone wants...including the Carr.

 

[ramenth]

Madness only exists for those who don't recognize that there is something wrong inside.

For those that do recognize the issue within themselves, hope exists. Keep looking within to identify the issues and work outside yourself to control it and make it better everyday. Seek the docs that understand and work with them to help you on the path to the person you want to be.

It's all a journey...and the best travelers find the best companions that make their journey more successful.

Keep seeking and keep striving for the goal you want for yourself. The Carr can be the one everyone wants...including the Carr.

Exactly right.

I do have to say that using this as blog has helped as it details what's going on in my mind. It helps me identify and helps me put it down.

I have a good friend who helps me see things that I don't normally see, and besides Karli, I talk to her quit a bit.

Her reassurances help me tremendously and she has a calming effect that no one else has. I reach to her, sometimes to talk to, to help me identify certain things, and then, in a proper state of mind, I'll be able to talk to Karli.

For instance, I was talking to her the other day and she pointed out to me that she sees how Karli looks at me, the look of love I get. When Karli talks to her, a lot of the conversation is about me and the boys.

I told Karli this. Karli was, "you don't see it because you don't want to." Which is correct. I never wanted to see it.

When my mind goes negative it goes completely negative towards damn near everyone, including Karli. I hate to say it, as it's a repeating thing and Karli hates having to repeat herself. There is no need to repeat it. I *know* the truth, but my mind goes to war against itself.

Which sucks. So, in looking for therapy and meds, I'll also be looking for coping skills. Either back into modeling and distracting myself that way, making sure the dining room table is clear, and Karli and I can play cards, or going to the adult coloring book.

I have a good support group, with Karli at the forefront. Tells you the strength of the woman beside me to show the patience and sometimes the tough love that I need to snap me out of it (though, to be fair, she's more of the tough love proponent... Lol).

But the support is there and making use of it is helpful.

 

[Abodybomber]

Exactly right.

I do have to say that using this as blog has helped as it details what's going on in my mind. It helps me identify and helps me put it down.

I have a good friend who helps me see things that I don't normally see, and besides Karli, I talk to her quit a bit.

Her reassurances help me tremendously and she has a calming effect that no one else has. I reach to her, sometimes to talk to, to help me identify certain things, and then, in a proper state of mind, I'll be able to talk to Karli.

For instance, I was talking to her the other day and she pointed out to me that she sees how Karli looks at me, the look of love I get. When Karli talks to her, a lot of the conversation is about me and the boys.

I told Karli this. Karli was, "you don't see it because you don't want to." Which is correct. I never wanted to see it.

When my mind goes negative it goes completely negative towards damn near everyone, including Karli. I hate to say it, as it's a repeating thing and Karli hates having to repeat herself. There is no need to repeat it. I *know* the truth, but my mind goes to war against itself.

Which sucks. So, in looking for therapy and meds, I'll also be looking for coping skills. Either back into modeling and distracting myself that way, making sure the dining room table is clear, and Karli and I can play cards, or going to the adult coloring book.

I have a good support group, with Karli at the forefront. Tells you the strength of the woman beside me to show the patience and sometimes the tough love that I need to snap me out of it (though, to be fair, she's more of the tough love proponent... Lol).

But the support is there and making use of it is helpful.

Karli is sharp enough, to deal with current situations . She is a godsend for you , Robert . Doug's posts are quite enlightening, I hope he continues to find peace.

 

[inkjunkie]

Madness only exists for those who don't recognize that there is something wrong inside.

For those that do recognize the issue within themselves, hope exists.

This is painfully true. I saw a shrink when I was 18 or so. Was told that I was "just a pissed off young an and I would out grow it". The shrink I saw was the one my Mother had been seeing for a decade or so. He was also head of Greystone, the states "psychiatric hospital". Pretty sure he missed the mark.
One thing I have ran into time and time again is the folks that have no clue what living with my problems is truly like. "Just get put on Prozac, you will be ok". Or better yet...the doc that once told me "you don't look bipolar". If Ernie was not there to calm me down I would probably be in prison right now...
I did my best for many years not recognize that I was in trouble. To go thru life like I was not the one issues, that it was everyone else. I had the mindset that the reason I was so hostile towards Lisa, my Ex, because she was "making" me hostile. That is the exact opposite of what the truth was...I was hostile and looking for 2 things, a person to blame it on and a person to dump it on. I spent many long nights riding thru the open desert on my Honda CBR600F2. If I wasn't riding I was sitting in front of the store at Tortilla Flats. Tortilla Flats is more or less a tourist attraction. At 2 in the morning it is a ghost town. I would sit there listening to the a/c hum away. Thinking. Many hours talking with Charlie...and Joe. Came to realize that the problem wasn't anyone but mines. That I was the one to blame. Once I accepted the fact that I was indeed responsible for the train wreck I was living life became a bit easier. One of the things that I discovered was I was doing one of the things that really burns my ***....pointing the finger of blame at others. Soon as this stopped life changed some. And not for the best in many ways. This started a war with my mother. There was no way he "saint of a son" was responsible for his marriage falling apart. She did not want to hear that I was not just a part of the problem...that I was the entire problem. Once I recognized that the problem was truly buried deep with in I became a changed person. I still had/have 0 tolerance for stupidity...and stress. Which is one of the reasons, if not THE reason why I am collecting disability, living on five fenced acres with locked gates and have no friends, other than my loving wife Ernie...my trans buddy Doug in AZ....and my DPS buddy Doug in AZ. Oddly enough both of these guys are bi-polar as well.

Doug's posts are quite enlightening, I hope he continues to find peace.

This means a lot to me...I seriously appreciate this thought.
Finding peace....seems like a never ending battle. One thing that is making this a bit of a challenge is all of the health issues. Seems like every time I turn around there is a new hurdle or three. But it is what it is.
Not that any has noticed, or perhaps even cares.....but there is a reason I am not on here all that often any more. Very seldom do I have a day where I can say I am in a "good mood". Part of being bi-polar is the swinging pendulum of moods. One minute I am in peaceful mood, the next I am hostile and pissed off at the planet. Just because I am having a rough time doesn't give me the right to pass my misery on. Hell, if you would have seen the chaos I caused in a Facebook group few days back you would know EXACTLY what I mean. This thread has forced me to openly admit to a problem of my own....but I am not going to go into that here....

 

[ramenth]

This is painfully true. I saw a shrink when I was 18 or so. Was told that I was "just a pissed off young an and I would out grow it". The shrink I saw was the one my Mother had been seeing for a decade or so. He was also head of Greystone, the states "psychiatric hospital". Pretty sure he missed the mark.

When I got out of the hospital over a year ago and my family heard my diagnosis of "depression with anger issues," their reply was, "wow... Robert with anger issues. You don't say."

Seems like I've been like this all my life and everyone else could see it. And chalked up to exactly what you said, an angry young man. Only thing is, the older I got the angrier I got.

One thing I have ran into time and time again is the folks that have no clue what living with my problems is truly like. "Just get put on Prozac, you will be ok". Or better yet...the doc that once told me "you don't look bipolar". If Ernie was not there to calm me down I would probably be in prison right now...

I understand that, Doug.

My family has been a huge support to me over the years. But this they are in over there heads. They have no idea what a mental illness is. Especially my dad. He's there for like my dad is, but it's all in my mind, and I just have to think my way out of it.

As Karli and I were talking about in the way home from shopping today, the more you think about it, sometimes, the worse it becomes.

But, since I have no outward appearance of being sick, and I times I can fake it til I make it, I must not be ill.

It's a stigma surrounding mental illness. No one wants to talk about it. You're the crazy guy with something wrong in your head. You might snap at any moment. We hear voices and color with our toes. One of these days we'll be put in a straight jacket and put in a padded room.

I did my best for many years not recognize that I was in trouble. To go thru life like I was not the one issues, that it was everyone else. I had the mindset that the reason I was so hostile towards Lisa, my Ex, because she was "making" me hostile. That is the exact opposite of what the truth was...I was hostile and looking for 2 things, a person to blame it on and a person to dump it on.

My summer this past year. Karli could stand to be around me and she'd take her days off to be anywhere but here. In the meantime, I spent a lot of energy pacing the floors wondering why my marriage was coming apart.

If she'd just stay home and work on "us." If she just spent time with me. If we just did "us" things. In the meantime I was calling her a **** wife for never being around. A **** mom for not being around for her kids. Turning me into a glorified babysitter while she went out and did her thing.

She had to do her thing for her own sanity. Too many days I was loaded for bear, just looking for a fight. Even our conversations I was looking to override anything she had to say in order to make sure my voice was the only one heard. She had no point of view unless I gave it to her.

It was *her* issue our marriage was coming apart, not mine for always being so hostile and negative towards her. I even turned people against her.

Came to realize that the problem wasn't anyone but mines. That I was the one to blame. Once I accepted the fact that I was indeed responsible for the train wreck I was living life became a bit easier.

I have to say, stepping up and realizing that my trainwreck was causing everyone else's trainwreck was heartbreaking to realize that I let it get that far out of control.

Yes, it's making life a bit bearable. Especially, when I understand that I have a listening ear who can be patient as long as I don't try to start **** and keep on an even keel.

One of the things that I discovsered was I was doing one of the things that really burns my ***....pointing the finger of blame at others.

You and I both, Brother. I've always owned my ****.

Soon as this stopped life changed some. And not for the best in many ways. This started a war with my mother. There was no way he "saint of a son" was responsible for his marriage falling apart. She did not want to hear that I was not just a part of the problem...that I was the entire problem.

I've had the same issue with my family. And I helped with that.

My sister kept telling me to put aside our ****, but she was saying it to Karli mostly. And since my dad really has no idea what a mental illness is, he points the finger almost squarely at Karli. Like I said, I didn't help with that since I put an image in their heads. It's gonna take a long time for me to rebuild the damage I've done.

Doug, I share Tim's sentiments.

Your voice is definitely one I had hoped would chime in on this thread. You've walked this path before me and rather through email or messenger I always find our talks valuable, enlightening, and helpful.

As I told you, I have a great deal of respect for you.

 

[Ddaddy]

I can only say that you guys are on the right path and doing the right things by looking inside, owning it and working everyday to make it better. I can only offer my support..and hope in some way that it helps.

 

[ramenth]

I can only say that you guys are on the right path and doing the right things by looking inside, owning it and working everyday to make it better. I can only offer my support..and hope in some way that it helps.

You'd be surprised to know that for me, knowing someone is even reading my ramblings does help.

 

[ramenth]

Onto today.

Woke up anxious and depressed. Karli was on the couch for no other reason than she went into a coughing fit and didn't want to wake Nick or me.

My mind went to something being wrong. She'll do this from time to time, too, if she gets uncomfortable in the bed and her back goes to aching.

No big deal, right? Most anyone else would just shrug and chalk it up to what it is.

For my mind, it turned into a big deal.

It wasn't until later in the day that I switched back. Karli and I went shopping and talked about it on the way home.

The more time I spend thinking about the mood I'm in, the deeper it gets, the worse it becomes. Until it seems like the only release I'll ever have from it is by filling my mouth with water and putting a hand gun to my teeth.

Yeah, I know, I went there.

Logically speaking I know that all I really have to do is distract my mind and wait for the next switch. Not force it, but wait it out.

After going shopping and having that distraction, as well as talking with Karli on the way home, boom, switch. I'm good.

Now, you may ask why I don't just talk to her right away. It's because I would rather wait until I can do it logically, without heat or sadness, so we can both do it logically. My mood swings can bring about heated arguments that both of us could do without. They accomplish nothing.

 

[Ddaddy]

Excellent. Now you are exhibiting control over the circumstance by recognizing it, and then choosing the best course of action to get the best outcome...and restraining yourself from doing what you know won't work.

Well done!

 

[ramenth]

One of the things I've struggled with over the past year was owning things as they popped up. Unless it became an emergency I didn't step up until the last minute to take care of things.

Next week I'm headed into pre-op to get my knee fixed and then having it operated on the 22nd. I'm tired off falling down.

In the meantime, talked to the doc about my hip. It's stopped pivoting at times and leaves me swinging turns wide like a big truck. Film on that to follow.

Right now the biggest thing I'm struggling with is anxiety. I build scenarios up in my head that always have the worst outcome and then dwell on it. Once I do that it's hard to tell the truth from the fiction. And it gets so bad I actually puke a lot of times.

That then spirals into depression.

This morning it spun off into anger.

On the plus side, though, that anger went into determination.

 

[barbee6043]

I am praying for you man.

You will put your life in order because you owe it to not only yourself, but the family you have now and the family you lost. Remember this when times get hard, as there will be no doubt.

Keep us informed on your progress, and inevitable setbacks. We are family here. We care. God Almighty cares.

You can do it.