Rebuilding a Carr

[ramenth]

Forgive the play on words for the thread title.

As most of you know, my last name is Carr and I thought it might be clever for a car site to have something along the lines of the title.

My name is Robert and I suffer from a mental illness that causes me to be depressed, anxious, angry, mistrusting, suspicious, and paranoid. My moods are heightened. If I am down I am in the basement. If I am angry, I am ready to fight. If I happy then I am in the clouds.

Among all this I have been suicidal and homicidal. I have dreamed of torturing people and then leaving them alive to live in misery.

I cannot - will not - live like this anymore. My wife deserves a real man, as do my boys. I deserve more from myself.

My full diagnosis is not clear yet. I have the referral from my therapist to see the shrink. I am on medication. It needs to be changed or adjusted.

My intent is to be a witness to how to live and rebuild my life as I have been full of pain and anger for many years now.

My intent is to let this be a platform for others to give and share from their own experiences.

I will update my progress and my set backs.

I will give a sort of life story to read through and possibly admit some truths about myself that may make some of you revile me or clap me on the back for being honest after many years of hiding.

But throughout it all, you will see the man I am supposed to me come forth in front of you, for better or for worse.

Thank you, one and all for you support and love to allow me to do this.

Robert.

 

[monook]

Praying for you Robert.

 

[RustyRatRod]

You almost sound like my late father. The doctors always said he was "manic depressive" whatever that means, but my sister (who is a nurse practitioner) always said and thought he was bipolar. He acted just as you describe you do. Although when he was "in the clouds" he was flat. That was good for Daddy. Flat. LOL But when he was bad........it was very bad. Which thankfully, happened only a very small number of times. Once in 1966, Once about 1975 and again about 1987. He was even given prehistoric shock treatments in 1966. But there are many, many great treatments for mental illness today, Robert. It's nothing to be ashamed about. You have Kitty's and my full support. none of us is perfect. God bless you.

 

[Mr Gorsky]

Rob....never been to Beaver Dams, but I've been to Corning.

Stopped in at the glass museum there, pretty impressive. Also being a Carr guy, I found this the most interesting exhibit in there .

 

[ramenth]

Rob....never been to Beaver Dams, but I've been to Corning.

Stopped in at the glass museum there, pretty impressive. Also being a Carr guy, I found this the most interesting exhibit in there .

View attachment 1715127523​

I can be in Corning in less than fifteen minutes from my house.

If you're ever out this way again get ahold of me. Something can be on the stove, warm or cold drinks and good talks can be had for anyone who wants to drop in.

 

[ramenth]

For the long time members, most of my story is known.

For the newer members here, a quick back story.

In 2003 my first wife, Sarah, and I lost our first and only child, Katie. Katie was stillborn. The only opportunity I had to hold Katie was after she died.

I have pictures of Sarah and I holding our precious baby, as well as our precious baby. In a display case I have the teddy bear that came with Katie's casket/vault that looked like a tiny bassinet.

Because Katie was born dead we never got a certificate of birth. We were handed a death certificate instead.

After Katie died I spent the next eighteen months trying to put Sarah back together. She blamed herself and her body for the death of our only child. I lost a bit of myself propping up Sarah to get her through it.

Around 2011 Sarah started showing psychological symptoms that couldn't be explained. She became forgetful, careless, insomniac, who stopped singing (she loved to sing and had an unstoppable soprano voice).

She almost lost her job several times for her carelessness and was referred to a psychiatrist who had our PCP set up a CT. The CT revealed a mass in her brain. An MRI confirmed it.

Between May of 2012 and September of the same year, my entire existence was to take care of Sarah.

On August 13th of '12 she went in for a surgery to remove the tumor. She never woke up.

On September 9th, 2012 I called cease treatment. Her official time of death was 3:23 am.

Flash forward to July 18th 2014. I remarried to a wonderful young woman, twenty two years my junior, named Karli. Karli is beautiful, inside and out. She has been my support since well before Sarah died. The love I feel for her is beyond words.

On September 9th, 2014 my first son, Cyrus, was born. Yes, folks you read that right: two years to the day Sarah died, Cyrus was born.

January 13th, 2017 my second son, Nicholas, was born. We'll be celebrating his first birthday next weekend.

In the past year Karli and I have separated for a total of five weeks. I have lost my current wife twice and the second time I damn near killed myself, twice. Only my sons saved my life. We are currently back together, working on us.

Throughout all this I have been a body man for thirteen years and a mechanic for twelve. I have owned my own shop twice, the first a restoration shop, the second a general repair shop, specializing in heavy computer diagnostics, engines, and transmissions. But I did anything mechanical and body related to pay the bills.

Years of doing mechanical work and iron manning myself to work circles around the best of the best has left me with tendinitis in my left shoulder that is managed with cortisone. I have epicondylitis in my left elbow that makes it hard to use my left arm for long periods of time. I am scheduled for surgery for a torn miniscus in the 22nd of this month. I have hip pain that I need taken a look at. I crab walk when the hip won't rotate and I fall down frequently.

I managed to squeeze in a hobby of preaching at neighborhood churches within the United Methodist community for a few years.

My life has been a series of flipped scripts. I had a girlfriend who told me that when she first saw me that she thought I was cute, but since I was a body man, I had to be dumber than a box of rocks.

I am well versed in classic literature, not so well versed in classical music, a voracious reader and am currently getting rid of excuses as to why I haven't finished my first novel.

There may or may not be more on the flipped script life as I go.

Many consider me intelligent. (My therapist would tell me that I need to blow my own horn and say that I am intelligent.)

I am not the man I used to be. I want to regain that man.

Once upon a time I was alpha male.
If I came into a room I commanded it. People deferred to me for almost everything.

I walked upright with swagger, confident in myself, my abilities, and my intelligence.

Karli would say I was cocky. Maybe I was. I earned every bit of it. I have excelled in everything I put my mind to.

Then...

I became manipulative. I became hateful, suspicious, jealous, envious, paranoid, and absolutely the opposite of the man I once was.

I have dreamed of murdering people and torturing others. Once I was accepting of anyone, now I see hidden agendas. I suspect people of things that aren't there.

I have dreamed of Karli coming home from work to find my brains scattered all over the bedroom and both our sons screaming for Daddy.

I am not, currently, a good man.

But I know I will be. I have a letter here penned by my hand from God's words that assure me that my sons will call me a good man.

I have no idea what the journey will be like, but the destination is assured. But that journey means that I need to pull my head out of my *** to make myself right.

I owe that to myself.

My first day of therapy was yesterday. I walked out with the daunting task of making myself right to make my world right. I wanted to give up. Later last night I fell asleep with a renewed purpose and some of my old swagger back: I got this. All of it. Tell I can't do it and watch me get it done.

I will make a comeback. I will grow, gather my strength and take on the mental illness that wants to rule my world.

I will fall along the way. I will stumble other times. But through it all, I will pick myself up and continue my journey to it's destination.


Robert.

 

[67Dart273]

I wish you a tremendous amount of luck. I had a bout with depression and anxiety about 20 years ago. It's bad enough you get "down" you start talking yourself into ****. It is difficult to wonder whether you are actually going nuts.

But "the doctors" damn near killed me. In fact I am tempted to blame "the big crash" which resulted in a pin from my left knee to my ankle on the "docs." "The team" turned out not to know what the right from the left were doing, and had me on medications I know not what. ONE OF THEM was supposed to be a sleep aid was causing me hallucinations

The point?

DAMN buddy get someone you trust, your wife? to oversee what the medical "professionals" are doing, and don't be afraid to question, re question, and DOWNRIGHT REFUSE some medications. CHECK the side effects, which often include such crap as "may be suicidal" Yep.....that is ALL you need......a medication you hope is helping but which CAUSES you more problems

I sure wish you luck.

Exercise helps if you are able, and "keeping busy" with stuff that is not frustrating helps.

I don't know if I could help. But if you want to talk sometime, shoot me a PM. I work, now, 4 days a week. So I'm not available then.

Back then this nice 86 Ford Ranger got from this

To this. You cannot see, but the left front tire "demounted" itself from the impact and the bare wheel was about where the clutch/ brake pedals should be. I broke my wrist, my left leg was shattered, and banged up my right knee. All this affects me to this day. I know not what happened, I don't remember. "They think" I fell asleep.

 

[Abodybomber]

For the long time members, most of my story is known.

For the newer members here, a quick back story.

In 2003 my first wife, Sarah, and I lost our first and only child, Katie. Katie was stillborn. The only opportunity I had to hold Katie was after she died.

I have pictures of Sarah and I holding our precious baby, as well as our precious baby. In a display case I have the teddy bear that came with Katie's casket/vault that looked like a tiny bassinet.

Because Katie was born dead we never got a certificate of birth. We were handed a death certificate instead.

After Katie died I spent the next eighteen months trying to put Sarah back together. She blamed herself and her body for the death of our only child. I lost a bit of myself propping up Sarah to get her through it.

Around 2011 Sarah started showing psychological symptoms that couldn't be explained. She became forgetful, careless, insomniac, who stopped singing (she loved to sing and had an unstoppable soprano voice).

She almost lost her job several times for her carelessness and was referred to a psychiatrist who had our PCP set up a CT. The CT revealed a mass in her brain. An MRI confirmed it.

Between May of 2012 and September of the same year, my entire existence was to take care of Sarah.

On August 13th of '12 she went in for a surgery to remove the tumor. She never woke up.

On September 9th, 2012 I called cease treatment. Her official time of death was 3:23 am.

Flash forward to July 18th 2014. I remarried to a wonderful young woman, twenty two years my junior, named Karli. Karli is beautiful, inside and out. She has been my support since well before Sarah died. The love I feel for her is beyond words.

On September 9th, 2014 my first son, Cyrus, was born. Yes, folks you read that right: two years to the day Sarah died, Cyrus was born.

January 13th, 2017 my second son, Nicholas, was born. We'll be celebrating his first birthday next weekend.

In the past year Karli and I have separated for a total of five weeks. I have lost my current wife twice and the second time I damn near killed myself, twice. Only my sons saved my life. We are currently back together, working on us.

Throughout all this I have been a body man for thirteen years and a mechanic for twelve. I have owned my own shop twice, the first a restoration shop, the second a general repair shop, specializing in heavy computer diagnostics, engines, and transmissions. But I did anything mechanical and body related to pay the bills.

Years of doing mechanical work and iron manning myself to work circles around the best of the best has left me with tendinitis in my left shoulder that is managed with cortisone. I have epicondylitis in my left elbow that makes it hard to use my left arm for long periods of time. I am scheduled for surgery for a torn miniscus in the 22nd of this month. I have hip pain that I need taken a look at. I crab walk when the hip won't rotate and I fall down frequently.

I managed to squeeze in a hobby of preaching at neighborhood churches within the United Methodist community for a few years.

My life has been a series of flipped scripts. I had a girlfriend who told me that when she first saw me that she thought I was cute, but since I was a body man, I had to be dumber than a box of rocks.

I am well versed in classic literature, not so well versed in classical music, a voracious reader and am currently getting rid of excuses as to why I haven't finished my first novel.

There may or may not be more on the flipped script life as I go.

Many consider me intelligent. (My therapist would tell me that I need to blow my own horn and say that I am intelligent.)

I am not the man I used to be. I want to regain that man.

Once upon a time I was alpha male.
If I came into a room I commanded it. People deferred to me for almost everything.

I walked upright with swagger, confident in myself, my abilities, and my intelligence.

Karli would say I was cocky. Maybe I was. I earned every bit of it. I have excelled in everything I put my mind to.

Then...

I became manipulative. I became hateful, suspicious, jealous, envious, paranoid, and absolutely the opposite of the man I once was.

I have dreamed of murdering people and torturing others. Once I was accepting of anyone, now I see hidden agendas. I suspect people of things that aren't there.

I have dreamed of Karli coming home from work to find my brains scattered all over the bedroom and both our sons screaming for Daddy.

I am not, currently, a good man.

But I know I will be. I have a letter here penned by my hand from God's words that assure me that my sons will call me a good man.

I have no idea what the journey will be like, but the destination is assured. But that journey means that I need to pull my head out of my *** to make myself right.

I owe that to myself.

My first day of therapy was yesterday. I walked out with the daunting task of making myself right to make my world right. I wanted to give up. Later last night I fell asleep with a renewed purpose and some of my old swagger back: I got this. All of it. Tell I can't do it and watch me get it done.

I will make a comeback. I will grow, gather my strength and take on the mental illness that wants to rule my world.

I will fall along the way. I will stumble other times. But through it all, I will pick myself up and continue my journey to it's destination.


Robert.

Robert...Have dealt with depression ,myself.
You have Karli and the boys ,as a reason to get, out of bed . Like you posted : Be a real man ,raise your kids correctly. In my case : Dad was limited time wise, just awesome.. Taught me hands on in sportsmanship ( every see a 55 year old 300 pound man,drop kick a football 35 yards ,splitting the uprights perfectly?... I cannot stop laughing, even now )
He did his job ,I see you doing a better one. The Facebook, says enough.
Robert , Go....
get it... ,it's yours. Be patient..

 

[Tooljunkie]

A good friend was hit by a car while walking down the highway after a weekend at a labour day weekend festival. Almost killed him. Semi-vegetative state,he woke up to rcmp handing him charges for posession of marijuana.
Heavily medicated for years and barely able to walk,couldnt drive and stuttered so bad you could barely understand him. Friends crossed the street to avoid him. Friends....he had raging fits of anger for no reason.
He ended up as my neighbour for a while,but couldnt manage himself.
His parents took over, moved him to rural property they owned and gave him an allowance to survive.
Rehab, both mental and physical started working to some degree.

Started restoring a car,exercising and met a homeopath in his rehab. Got him off most of his meds.started driving,and started to become a man again.
He gathered his wits to find out the insurance was paid to him, but family had power of attourney.
They sacked away the money but gave him an allowance. 10-12 years this went on.
Well he ended up taking family to court and recovered the insurance money,left the area and changed his name.

He’s married,drives a new car and rides his custom harley in the summer.
He was 19 when this all started.
We keep in touch.but thats about it.
He still remembers that i didnt bail on him,and ignored his tantrums.

 

[FISHYPETE]

I'm pulling for you Robert. Every person that leaves this world due to drepression leaves behind countless numbers of grieving loved ones. Embrace your family and friends

 

[4spdragtop]

I applaud your honesty Robert. Life throws all of us some haymakers. My 95 year old Gramma always said that it's not what's thrown at you but how you deal with them. You have had a lot thrown your way as we all have in different forms. We have all had some form of depression that tries to take us down. It's a matter of stopping the spiral before it gets out of control.
You know it but always remember you have a beautiful loving family that loves and needs you.
You got this!

 

[ramenth]

I'm pulling for you Robert. Every person that leaves this world due to drepression leaves behind countless numbers of grieving loved ones. Embrace your family and friends

Thanks, Pete.

I gotta tell ya, it's not just the depression that I fear. It's the anger.

I've had "normal" bouts of depression most of my life in three stages: depression, anger, determination.

I'd feel down over something, then it would anger me, then I would be determined to get whatever needed to be done, done.

Recently, it just stops with anger. And I want the world to burn.

That's what scares me.

I'm ashamed to say I've grabbed Karli by the throat twice, both during fights, both of us got physical.

The first I grabbed her by the throat and put her through the bedroom door.

The second she was pregnant with Nick.

That's when I realized that I needed to be hospitalized. When the cops came I had one drive me to the local psyche ward. I spent a week there.

Tells you the strength and love Karli has: she came to visit every visiting hour, even moving in with her mom for that week to be closer.

The anger I have for myself turns outward and I last out at those around me.

Thankfully, I can say, that the boys have never been a target.

But it scares the hell out of me.

Anger is the check engine light. When the check engine light comes on, you know there's an issue. You scan it through and diagnose the issue. But the light itself isn't the problem.

So, in a lot of soul searching and self exploration, what's the issue? I haven't found out. Yet. The problem is there, and through a lot of prayer and consideration, I will find it.

I think I see the roots of it and will explore that more with the therapist as we have a chance to talk.

 

[Tsully]

I graduated in ‘86 went to school in Charlotte NC for Paint and Body...after that I met my first wife and married. Had my first and only child a daughter at 24!

Her mom and I divorced when she was 3...I remarried to wonderful woman who 3 boys from her first marriage. I worked in the body shop industry for over 15 years until I decided I wanted to be an entertainer.

I embarked on my career as an Tim McGraw Impersonator...I’ve worked all over for a company called Legends in Concert...Showstoppers Live in AZ...Memories Theatre in Pigeon Forge TN and numerous others theaters, fairs and festivals.

After being in the “Biz” for over 15 years I was getting tired of missing birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and phone calls asking when am I coming home!

So I stopped making it a full time job and became an insurance adjuster.

1 year and 7 months ago in June of 2016...

My daughter was killed by a drunk driver 4 days before her 24th birthday. All of her future taken by a woman who should have been locked up years ago, but good ole South Carolina DD laws kept that from happening. It took her killing my daughter for her to finally get prison time. I’m not one of these people who have gotten on an anti drinking campaign because of what happened to my daughter. I still believe we live in a free country to choose how we live, because at the the end of the day it wasn’t the alcohol that took my daughter...it was the reckless decision made by a woman who should have been on the road to begin with.

My daughter Lacee was my world and she was so much like me it was heartbreaking to say the least. She had my sick sense of humor and was loved by all who met her. I will never see her married, walk her down the isle, dance with her at her wedding, have children or grow into the woman she was becoming. All because someone was careless and didn’t care about my daughters life or her own for that matter.

There is so much “Guilt and Anger” inside of me from being gone all those years, even though sometimes she and my wife would travel with me, that it eats at me everyday to the point I want to eat a bullet as well! I tried Zoloft for a few months afterwards because I would find myself sitting at my desk just staring at the computer screen trying to figure out how I was going to make it through another day.

After a while the side effects from the Zoloft where just about as bad without it, so I stopped taking it.

So I did the best thing I thought would help with my depression...I bought a Mopar!

I had a 68 notchback as my first car at 15 in 83 and I kept it until around 2004. I sold it because with the traveling I didn’t have time to restore it.

So I found this forum and started looking again for another Notchback! I found a 69 with a 67 front...drove to Florida last February and brought it home.

This forum has been a world of knowledge along with talking to some great people!

Between my 8 grandkids, my wife and my 1969 Frankenstein Mistress...I’ve managed to keep going somehow!!!

My wife thinks that car is the best therapy, even though she says it cost more than a therapist...lol! I told her at least when I’m finished I’ll have something to show for it besides a sore *** from sitting and talking to someone!!!

Thanks for sharing your story and allowing me to share my grief as well!

 

[MOPARMITCH]

Praying for you here Robert. And I will bring you up for prayer at my Church. Please try to stay strong. You can do it.

 

[ramenth]

@Tsully @Tooljunkie , Del.

I was hoping we'd have folks like yourselves who have a story to tell to join in with me on this path of self discovery and being open and honest enough to show me - and others here - as well as guests who may be lurking, that we all have hope, inspiration, motivation, and people to actually live for.

 

[Matts440]

Best wishes and prayers your way from our family to yours. Thats the great thing about this forum we are all here for you. Keep strong and hold onto loved ones. Sorry to read about your first child with your first wife, couldn't imagine that feeling, have two boys myself and don't know what I'd do without them. Had to deal with my wife and her post pardum depression after our first child and the ignorant doctor at that time didnt want to give her anything for it, we almost split, but she had a few bouts of suicidal thoughts. But we got through it and had our second, and this time a much doctor that said at first signs of any depression get in quick and she will get her some medication for it. We are all here for you.

 

[goldfish65]

Rebuilding a Carr, that is great Robert and will help others as mental problems are not uncommon nor are the life events that people don't like to talk about and hence we don't know how to deal with them in healthy ways. Grief (loss) is one of those things, it needs to be resolved completely, which often does not happen as we are conditioned to be tough and move on, but when it is unfinished it causes us and our loved ones to pay later. Very good to see you are on a solid path now.

 

[ramenth]

Rebuilding a Carr, that is great Robert and will help others as mental problems are not uncommon nor are the life events that people don't like to talk about and hence we don't know how to deal with them in healthy ways. Grief (loss) is one of those things, it needs to be resolved completely, which often does not happen as we are conditioned to be tough and move on, but when it is unfinished it causes us and our loved ones to pay later. Very good to see you are on a solid path now.

David, about grief you are completely right.

Let me share a story.

Soon after losing Katie, Mother's Day came. I remember walking into church that day and Sarah was flooded with flowers and hugs and sympathy and love. I was happy for her that she got the recognition.

We walked into church on Father's Day and I was basically treated like a pirriha. I got none of what Sarah got. It was even demanded of me that I carry a TV set into the Sanctuary for the lay leader to make a presentation, when her fat *** husband sat on his ***.

I had no child with me. Sarah was recognized as a mother. I was ignored as a grieving father.

When Sarah would wake up in nightmares at three o'clock in the morning about losing Katie all over again, crying her eyes out about her body failing our baby, who do you think sat there, giving every piece of himself to her to calm her, console her, love her?

When I would wake up from dreams crying my eyes out because I dreamt of holding our baby and I so much wanted the dream to be reality instead of the reality in front of me. No one was there to hold me.

Resentful? Yes. I am.
Now, for some harsh truths that may make me seem like the biggest mother ****** on the face of the planet.

Sarah was selfish. I have a great many examples I could list, but I was treated like a piece of property to do her bidding in our marriage. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't all bad. But when it came time for "us" it was only on her terms.

She brought home over two grand every two weeks. I'd pay the bills out of that and get us on track for buying a house, she'd damn near overdraft us by buying things for herself. And then she'd say she wanted to buy a house and we needed to save money.

Her car was almost paid off, and I wanted to take the car payment and use it towards my projects I was given a flat out "no."

In the meantime I was working in the shop trying to cover all the money she was blowing. Just about all of my paycheck went to things that otherwise should have been taken care of, with the intention that the money I earned covered week to week expenses like gas or emergency things like major car repairs. All gone because she'd go to the used bookstore and buy a hundred dollars worth of books or double - sometimes triple - the food budget for two weeks and not buy a damned thing we needed.

We couldn't make love spontenously. We both had to ****, shower, and shave before I was allowed to touch her. Then, with all the prep work done, she'd be asleep.

I gave her my all. And to a certain extent, that's what I got back. Yet I continued to give her my all.

Fun fact: did you know that over 90% of marriages that suffer the death of a young child ends in divorce? Mine was headed there, it just took longer than most.

A lot was lacking from my marriage after Katie's death.

Men are not allowed to grieve. And with no outlet most will turn to booze or drugs or infidelity. Sometimes any combination of the three. Drugs and alcohol were out of the question for me.

I had the opportunity, many times, to step out. I had women hitting on me -even one or two men - left and right. Most of them very, very tempting. I didn't.

Until one day when this gorgeous 17 year old girl realized how I was looking at her. She was kind. She was attentive. She was beautiful. She was everything my marriage lacked.

I was 39. The adult in the room. I didn't care.

We started a two year affair.

Flipped script again. The preacher turned adulterer.

I am not exonerating myself. My decisions. My **** ups. My consequences to deal with. Think of me what you will. Many have. I've heard it all. And don't think I'm placing all the blame on Sarah. I could fill a book with all the good times we had together.

Guilt. Something I've wrestled with. A pastor friend of mine slapped his hand down on my table and said, "congratulations, Robert, you have just found the one sin not covered by the Blood of Christ!"

I got what he was saying. I just have out more effort into my marriage. I should have insisted on counseling (actually, I did).

I got back, "we just need to go to church."

The one place I didn't want to go since my hypocrisy does have limits. Make love to my mistress three or four times a week, spend countless hours with her, and then step into church like nothing was wrong.

I looked at it so backwards. God goes with me. He knew. Of course, He knew. You can't hide from God.

I cut my connection with Him. He is always there for me, always loving me, always trying to put me on the right track. I didn't listen.

Of course, God will make the adjustments needed to get us back on track.

I truly believe, as fucked up as it may sound, that He placed this young woman in my life knowing full well where I would be later in life. I stepped on His toes by turning it into a relationship before it was supposed to be.

Like I said earlier, I'm not always a good man. Right now, this all stream if consciousness story telling to find a right and a wrong in my life.

I know there is a mental illness that may or may not have played a role in any of my decision making. The shrink and the therapist and I will figure it all out.

 

[john dodge]

I can be in Corning in less than fifteen minutes from my house.

If you're ever out this way again get ahold of me. Something can be on the stove, warm or cold drinks and good talks can be had for anyone who wants to drop in.

warning...don't feed the Gorski......warning..dont feed the Gorski....

 

[rumblefish360]

PM-ing

 

[mycuda]

I give you you a lot of credit for sharing your situation. That alone shows your strength and will to
be able to manage and improve your current situation. For both yourself and your family. Who Love and need you.

Best wishes,
Dave

 

[Ddaddy]

It seems you have the total awareness to understand who and what you are...and understand the challenges you face.

I have no doubt you will build on that knowledge and successes you are having and continue to make every day better.

Glad to see the avitar change!

 

[ramenth]

I give you you a lot of credit for sharing your situation. That alone shows your strength and will to
be able to manage and improve your current situation. For both yourself and your family. Who Love and need you.

Best wishes,
Dave

Dave, I have wrestled with telling the truth for ages based on how people perceive me.

I've got to get over how people perceive me and understand it's how I perceive myself.

Burying the truth based on how others see me is cowardice.

Based on the truth, one will either respect me for exposing myself to public opinion or think I'm complete scum.

Either way, for the most part, nothing can be done about what is done, address it, and move on. In order to live for the present and the future a page has to be turned.

By accepting my past - being honest enough with myself and those who offer support - it should be addressed for what it is.

A mistake? A regret? A glaring admission to being human? Being fucked in the head? All the above?

If I look for platform as a place to offer support for myself and others then those who seek to support me should be allowed to do so with the truth.

 

[ramenth]

I'll add to the above post.

That seventeen years old I mentioned?

She's my wife now. She was *never* a mistake.

I love her completely, without doubt. She has been my rock even through our issues.

Right now my boys are too young to understand. Not that Dad doesn't effect them. They will in the future, no doubt. Karli is the one who has gotten fucked over the most.

Time to flip the page. Positivity. Nothing but. For issues, of which Karli does bare some blame you will not hear a bad word of her out of me.

This is about *my* blame and how I correct myself. Everything else is backstory.

 

[ramenth]

It seems you have the total awareness to understand who and what you are...and understand the challenges you face.

I have no doubt you will build on that knowledge and successes you are having and continue to make every day better.

Glad to see the avitar change!

That is definitely the case.

I like waking up in a good mood and carrying that through the day.

I like when the paranoia and suspicion don't control my sleep.

While Karli and I were split this last time she confessed to me some things that I long suspected and it ate me up.

I'm not a believer in Karma by any stretch of the imagination, but it had come around and bit me in the *** bug time.

But, from previous experience, I understand why. I got it. It makes it easier to move on.

And I also see it as motivation, somewhat.

I can't live like I have been living. Something was missing from me and therefore our marriage that has to be improved.

Some of you may get this, some of you not.

My life is a very complicated story. I challenge anyone here to say that they haven't had a complicated life in one form or the other. I know of more than one who has shared his or her story with me about their own lives and I appreciate that those folks have opened up to me about it.

Call it a return to a normal for me. I was the person people confided in, came to to rant, came to to look and see if I had anything to offer to help.

Then I stopped giving a ****. I had no time for anyone. And stay the hell out of my marriage.

I love Karli more than anyone I've ever loved. Yet, my piss poor decision making fed by my jealousy if everyone and everything, my idea that she should be mine and mine alone pushed her away.

As .38 Special said: "Hold on loosely, but don't let go."

My wife has a big heart. She wants to help anyone she can help. Instead of nurturing and supporting her and feeding that, I've treated her like property, just as I had been previously.

I was making decisions that damaged myself and in doing so, I damaged her.

Don't get me wrong. I still believe myself to be a good judge of character. I can spot a user a mile away. But instead of allowing her to see it herself I tried to block her from it.

I have to be able to allow her to find out these things on her own and when to cut them loose.

But I was a **** husband. Again. My sins were new ones. But still mistakes nonetheless.

And I'm tired of living like that.

Yes, today is starting off a good day. Yesterday was a good day. Any issues of the day, Karli and I were able to talk through instead of yelling about. Just a few short months ago, instead of looking to understand each other, the defensive walls would have went up and we'd try to override each other's opinions with our own.

That is no way to live a marriage.

So, yeah, one day at a time. Building on the day before.