Rebuilding a Carr
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ramenth
Gratis persona
I believe it, Darryl.
Woke up on an even keel this morning.
After I burned through my anger yesterday with a nap and Karli got home from back to back visiting hours we had a long talk.
There are still some underlying trust issues from this past summer that cranked up my anxiety. But she hasn't lied to me and has been upfront and honest about everything.
It's amazing what can happen when a person can talk about things instead of yelling about things.
Last night I realized I was taking bits and pieces of information from a couple of unreliable sources and trying to put it all together. Doesn't work like that.
Karli has a male friend who I honestly haven't trusted for a while now. And it's left some open questions.
Yet I hear that he stepped up and defended Karli, myself, and our marriage from an off hand comment made by his brother on Facebook to Karli. I'll give the kid props for doing that and he gained a bit of respect from me for it.
Then I sit back and examine some if the sources I have trusted and wonder what the real information is.
How can people support me and not my marriage or the decisions made within my marriage? How can a trusted friends spend so much time asking me to question my relationship? When a kid I didn't trust spent time out of his day defending just that?
One of the things I also realize is that I have to take others opinions of me and throw them in the trash, when that person doesn't actually know me or support my getting well.
Karli's best friend told Karli about a dream she had in which I killed our boys, killed the kid who defended our marriage, and injured Karli before this friend and her mother were able to subdue me. Fucked up, huh?
First, yes, I have been in a rage to hurt and kill. Karli knows this. The rage that is focused inward so many time does go outward from time to time. But to think that I would hurt my boys shows this person does not understand my relationship with my children. These boys are my life and rejoice in the day to day things I see from them.
Second, my boys have saved my life on more than a few occasions. They are exactly the reason I am still alive to write this.
Third, these people are formulating an opinion of me that is second hand information based solely on the negative they wish to focus on. Nothing of the positive in me - my actual relationship with my boys, (I am a damned good dad!), my wanting to improve my life, or my wanting to rebuild my marriage.
Karli and I have been through this, too. In my opinion anyone who is close to her should be wanting to get to know those who are important in her life. These friends are not involved with our children at all and only on occasion bother to come visit Karli with several excuses as to why they can't. Most of them don't drive or are having car problems, but when the car is running right they can't take time at all to know the boys and I. Yet they can drop money on an 1/8" or booze it up a couple times a month.
But they will formulate an opinion of me without taking the time to get to know me. Interesting I have people I have never met from the internet rooting me on and showing me support but those who call my wife "friend" would be just as happy if I disappeared from my wife's life.
Of course, Karli and I have been through this before: for me to be positive about myself she has to be positive about me, too.
It's one of the reasons I deactivated my Facebook account. There was too much negativity coming my direction even from my wife, who would slide in a negative post about me.
One, your personal problems require personal solutions, not social media attention.
Two, while Karli keeps saying those posts are ambiguous, everyone knows who they are aimed at. We have several mutual friends who all know those posts are aimed at me. As a matter of fact, upon learning that Karli and I had split, a mutual friend on Facebook and a member here made the proclamation he saw it coming, based solely on her Facebook posts from the past year.
Don't get me wrong: Karli has been a wealth of support. I can't deny that. But when she goes negative she has a tendency to broadcast it. When things are positive she quiets down on social media. It's something I've asked her to change.
So, how do I remain positive based on one sided information and the opinions of people who don't actually know me and don't actually want to get to know me?
Say, constantly, to myself, "I got this." If someone is unwilling to get to know me, then I can't let a half assed formed opinion of me matter.
My opinion of me is what matters.
Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way. If you don't want to support me, then get the hell out of the way. Let me lead, get in behind me, and watch me conquer.
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ramenth
Gratis persona
An interesting thing is that I'm having an issue controlling my emotions.
Things went negative on me the other day and I spent an hour sitting on the floor in the kitchen bawling my eyes out.
It's not the first time. Things don't even have to go south. A song, a moment, watching my boys play... All can send me into tears.
Add into that an aphysia. Karli laughed at me the other day for telling her it was her turn to play hall monitor with the boys being in the bathroom. "Hall monitor" came out "mall honitor." And no matter how much I tried to correct myself it still came out as "mall honitor."
I find myself searching for words, stumbling over words, or even tranposing letters (as above) on words.
With the exception of crying at the drop of a hat, the last time I was like this with my speech patterns was when I had a small stroke twelve years ago.
A little scared this may be biological as well as psychological. I have an appointment with my PCP on Friday, that I will bring this to attention.
My changes for the positive have been more microscopic than macroscopic.
Karli and I had a discussion the other day after I made a few comments that hurt her and tore one of her friends to pieces. Karli was upset, annoyed, angry and pretty much came loaded for bear. I refused to engage in an argument. It wasn't worth it. It was worth hearing what she had to say, not attempt to defend myself by launching an attempt at an offensive.
A very good friend of ours, one of the few of our friends and family who was actually pulling for us to get back together (his words were actually when, not if) came up yesterday and we talked a lot.
Once upon a time I would seek to indict Karli for anything I felt she might be doing wrong. My mind wanted to go there a couple of times, but I refused to do it. It's unproductive, does nothing more than put Karli on the spot, and seeks to have someone agree with me. Any of these small matters isn't worth discussing in committee. They can be discussed just between us or simply let go, since they are such small matters to begin with.
The gentleman who stopped by is actually the man who married us and has been a friend of mine for years and became a friend to Karli later. Having not just a friend, but a spiritual advisor to talk to was a boon for me. Much needed and long overdue. He dropped by unannounced (our door is never closed to friends). At that moment I needed the guidance and he was Heaven sent. Literally.
Things went negative on me the other day and I spent an hour sitting on the floor in the kitchen bawling my eyes out.
It's not the first time. Things don't even have to go south. A song, a moment, watching my boys play... All can send me into tears.
Add into that an aphysia. Karli laughed at me the other day for telling her it was her turn to play hall monitor with the boys being in the bathroom. "Hall monitor" came out "mall honitor." And no matter how much I tried to correct myself it still came out as "mall honitor."
I find myself searching for words, stumbling over words, or even tranposing letters (as above) on words.
With the exception of crying at the drop of a hat, the last time I was like this with my speech patterns was when I had a small stroke twelve years ago.
A little scared this may be biological as well as psychological. I have an appointment with my PCP on Friday, that I will bring this to attention.
My changes for the positive have been more microscopic than macroscopic.
Karli and I had a discussion the other day after I made a few comments that hurt her and tore one of her friends to pieces. Karli was upset, annoyed, angry and pretty much came loaded for bear. I refused to engage in an argument. It wasn't worth it. It was worth hearing what she had to say, not attempt to defend myself by launching an attempt at an offensive.
A very good friend of ours, one of the few of our friends and family who was actually pulling for us to get back together (his words were actually when, not if) came up yesterday and we talked a lot.
Once upon a time I would seek to indict Karli for anything I felt she might be doing wrong. My mind wanted to go there a couple of times, but I refused to do it. It's unproductive, does nothing more than put Karli on the spot, and seeks to have someone agree with me. Any of these small matters isn't worth discussing in committee. They can be discussed just between us or simply let go, since they are such small matters to begin with.
The gentleman who stopped by is actually the man who married us and has been a friend of mine for years and became a friend to Karli later. Having not just a friend, but a spiritual advisor to talk to was a boon for me. Much needed and long overdue. He dropped by unannounced (our door is never closed to friends). At that moment I needed the guidance and he was Heaven sent. Literally.
ramenth
Gratis persona
Once upon a time I was a gambler. I'd roll the dice and see what came off it.
Pop and I started the restoration shop with just $400 in my savings account. The first dollar we made came from selling a radiator to an AMC.
It grew from there. Within a year we were renting bigger space.
I started my next shop with no working capital at all. Within six months that period of struggle was over.
If I didn't like a job, fine. MAC builds casters on their tool boxes for a reason. It can roll out the door as easily as it rolled in.
Never a backstop, never a worry. If it worked it worked. If not, on to the next thing.
They say children can change a man. I believe it. This has nothing to do with an illness or what is going on in my head, just a general statement.
I haven't gambled like that since Karli and I married. I have walked out on one job, and that was for my own sanity. I caught myself climbing off the ladder to throw the first shift supervisor off the mezzanine. Fifteen feet in the air onto a solid concrete floor. We had just found out we were pregnant with Cyrus.
Since then, it's been a few jobs I could care less about. But no gambling. Stick with it until something better could come along.
In September of '16 I was fired from my last job. And the State was ******* with my unemployment. We got a foreclosure letter from the county for back taxes.
No money, no job, the threat of losing our house. A complete feeling of inadequacy in providing for my family. Nick on the way. No outlet, no foreseeable relief. Fight with Karli turned violent on my part.
Meltdown. Hospitalized myself for a week.
I kinda miss being able to take those gambles.
The boys, though, need the stability in their lives.
I've also been missing being able to build things. Since I was a kid, I've been hands on. I always said I wanted my old man's hands. Covered in grease for years so that they would never come clean, tough as leather. The hands of a man who worked for a living.
From cars and trucks, to trains to amphibious buses I've built a lot. All hands on. Mechanical, fabrication, body and paint, I did it all.
My garage was supposed to be built by now. It hasn't been. It will be. Then I can spend hours at a time losing myself in building. Shut my mind off and let my body go to work.
In the meantime, I'm setting aside time for myself in reading. Trying to get back into model building to at least build something and losing myself in something productive.
2018 is the year I plan on finishing my novel. Setting aside time for that.
The alone time is important. Karli goes to bed and I stay up to read.
Working myself into a routine. Steady bedtime, steady wake up time. Focusing on productive things. Spending more one on one time with the boys and Karli.
Unfortunately, car issues kept us from having a family day out the other day. I busted the left rear door glass wedging it open to unlock the car after I locked myself out. Then a tie rod end that needs a torch put to it to change (and I'm out of oxygen and propane).
But trying to make time for myself, the boys, and Karli.
Pop and I started the restoration shop with just $400 in my savings account. The first dollar we made came from selling a radiator to an AMC.
It grew from there. Within a year we were renting bigger space.
I started my next shop with no working capital at all. Within six months that period of struggle was over.
If I didn't like a job, fine. MAC builds casters on their tool boxes for a reason. It can roll out the door as easily as it rolled in.
Never a backstop, never a worry. If it worked it worked. If not, on to the next thing.
They say children can change a man. I believe it. This has nothing to do with an illness or what is going on in my head, just a general statement.
I haven't gambled like that since Karli and I married. I have walked out on one job, and that was for my own sanity. I caught myself climbing off the ladder to throw the first shift supervisor off the mezzanine. Fifteen feet in the air onto a solid concrete floor. We had just found out we were pregnant with Cyrus.
Since then, it's been a few jobs I could care less about. But no gambling. Stick with it until something better could come along.
In September of '16 I was fired from my last job. And the State was ******* with my unemployment. We got a foreclosure letter from the county for back taxes.
No money, no job, the threat of losing our house. A complete feeling of inadequacy in providing for my family. Nick on the way. No outlet, no foreseeable relief. Fight with Karli turned violent on my part.
Meltdown. Hospitalized myself for a week.
I kinda miss being able to take those gambles.
The boys, though, need the stability in their lives.
I've also been missing being able to build things. Since I was a kid, I've been hands on. I always said I wanted my old man's hands. Covered in grease for years so that they would never come clean, tough as leather. The hands of a man who worked for a living.
From cars and trucks, to trains to amphibious buses I've built a lot. All hands on. Mechanical, fabrication, body and paint, I did it all.
My garage was supposed to be built by now. It hasn't been. It will be. Then I can spend hours at a time losing myself in building. Shut my mind off and let my body go to work.
In the meantime, I'm setting aside time for myself in reading. Trying to get back into model building to at least build something and losing myself in something productive.
2018 is the year I plan on finishing my novel. Setting aside time for that.
The alone time is important. Karli goes to bed and I stay up to read.
Working myself into a routine. Steady bedtime, steady wake up time. Focusing on productive things. Spending more one on one time with the boys and Karli.
Unfortunately, car issues kept us from having a family day out the other day. I busted the left rear door glass wedging it open to unlock the car after I locked myself out. Then a tie rod end that needs a torch put to it to change (and I'm out of oxygen and propane).
But trying to make time for myself, the boys, and Karli.
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