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A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach...

HELP WANTED Lemon Pickers Wanted !! The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have! "I've...

Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.' The chauffeur gets out, checks...

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here...

Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"...

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before Ican get a haircut?" The...

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree, and think 25 to life would be appropriate. America needs ObamaCare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. Q : Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? A : Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for...

Not sure if this is true but worth reading President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan . Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped. Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll pee...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. The man asked, "What are all of those clocks for? St. Peter answered him, "Those clocks are Lie-Clocks, Everyone single person on Earth has one. Every time a person...

Blimey! Jolly good humor here ... A good summation of the world's various continuums of security levels. It starts below with "The English..." The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."...

New Store Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're...

Joke #1: A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2'', and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sherriff's...

Dear Citizens, Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED...

It's a good exercise program even if you are not 50 yet. Pass to all 50 yrs. And older Cardiovascular Health-Simple Exercise The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and...

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a...

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay,you'll walk again and everything, but.... "Something happened...

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..." 1. You refine ****** for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider...

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin' Me?" Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in...

The Best Smart *** Answers of 2009!! SMART *** ANSWER #6It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.. 'What are my choices?' John asked.. 'Yes or no,' she replied. SMART *** ANSWER #5A flight attendant was stationed...

We are in trouble...The population of this country is 300 million. 160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work. Of this there are 35 million employed by the...

What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? They're both in danger of being clubbed by Norwegians! Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between the iron or the wood. Tiger just hates it when he drives and his balls hit a tree. His wife...

The Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only...

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question.... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then...

The Sheer Nightgown A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home...

Hitler Takes On Obamacare http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGJiuhPi1JY

JESUS IS WATCHING A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight aroundlooking for valuableswhen a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus is watching you.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze . When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook...

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to...

Old Illinois Farmer went to town to see a movie: THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.""I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT, "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND...

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1959 vs. 2009 Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack. 1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 2009 - School goes...

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children...