12 Dad jokes

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  1. The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “Pints, Liters, Gallons” which spoke volumes.

    I’ve set out to lose 5 kilos this month, only 8 more to go.

    I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

    My wife and I split up because of psychological reasons….She was Psycho and I was Logical.

    Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

    I figured out a magician who likes to make cocaine and marijuana disappear by using a bunch of smoke and mirrors.

    Old relationships are a lot like algebra…have you ever looked at your x and wondered y?
  2. Thanks for the Monday jokes to share Brad
 
hello...1. what happens when it rains cats and dogs? you step in a poodle. 2. yesterday i saw a guy spill all the scrabble letters on the road. i asked him " what's the word on the street? "
 
  1. Childproof your house as much as you want, they still get in.

    Imagine the Titanic with a lisp…. It’s unthinkable.

    At a job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure, I said no but I could have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody

    If your parachute doesn’t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

    I am the greatest exaggerator in the history of mankind.

    I can’t remember the last time I smelled Chloroform.

    Some people have trouble sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed.

Thanks for the jokes Cousin Brad!
 
  1. Slightly peeved the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders” have not followed up with a body wash called, “Knees and Toes.”

    I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she called me up and told me I wouldn’t be able to make it.

    Never realised until today, that Karl Marx’s sister Onya, invented the starting pistol….

    Most people have 32 teeth and some have 4….It’s just simple meth.

    I just found out that my great grandfather was on the Titanic and as far as I know, he still is.

    You can turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
  1. When I won the world’s best doppelgänger competition I was beside myself.
 
ProjectBazza said:
Perhaps they realize their target audience would have a hard time reaching their knees and toes?

Not that I know anything about that.....

:lol:
Click to expand...
Yes that question has puzzled me for some time. As a person gets older we shrink. Proven fact. So if this is true, then why does the floor keep getting further and further away?
 
ProjectBazza said:
Perhaps they realize their target audience would have a hard time reaching their knees and toes?

Not that I know anything about that.....

:lol:
Click to expand...
I tried to cut a piece of hard skin off the bottom of my foot after the shower. sat on the tub edge and bent my leg backwards and rested my foot on the inside of the tub. now it's within reach but not good viewing. I think my toes are still there---didn't see any blood when I was done :)
 

  1. My wife was furious with me today because I put a stick in a non-stick pan.

    Is it true that “an apple a day keeps the doctor away?”, or is it one of Granny’s myths.

    Most people hate when I stand in the corner of my psychiatrist’s waiting room and blow on them when they walk by, but I’m a fan.

    People who cannot distinguish between etymology and entomology, bug me in ways in which I cannot put into words.

    I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

    Piano is one of the hardest instruments to pick up.

    When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings, you know she’s a keeper.

another week of cousin Brad jokes
 
What is the difference between a Gynaecologist and a Genealogist ?
A Genealogist Looks up Your Family Tree
A Gynaecologist Looks up Your Family Bush
 
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Cousin Brad's Monday jokes to share:
I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
I have all the money I’ll ever need—if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
When I lose the TV controller, it’s always hidden in some remote destination.
 
RACE FANS, HOT RODDERS...... 1.what position does a ghost play in hockey? ghoulie. 2. i only lift weights on saturday and sunday because monday to friday are weak days.
 
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure. Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.

It’s never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
 
I once reminded our daughter that I would bribe her with Teddy Grahams to use the potty.

She thanked me and said she would do the same for me someday.
 
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