Married guys - car budgets and honesty

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rmchrgr

rmchrgr

Skate And Destroy
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So all you married guys - how up front are you with your car budget with your significant other?

I know it's on me but I don't like disclosing how much I spend on my car, just feel like it's right there for her to see and then the questions start coming. I'd rather not have to explain every purchase over $100. She 'pressured' me to have a joint account and I resisted for as long as I could but reluctantly agreed to it. You can't win every battle.

So eventually I opened up my own account to use for my discretionary funds which I didn't tell her about. I don't take from out joint account unless absolutely necessary and even then, it's usually only a small amount. I don't buy stuff I don't have the money for. I don't spend money on much else. Usually it's money from stuff I sell etc.

I pull my weight but she makes more than me. WAY more. She's done well and I'm proud of her. We're not in over our heads in debt. We're not rich but we don't want for anything and we provide for our kids. We save pretty well on all accounts, we are doing great with that and we are relatively young.

But that being said, we have different ideas about money. Some of the issue is upbringing. I am a little more easy going with it, but she is a little well, let's say tight. A rainy day saver. She hardly ever spends money on herself and does not do much in the way of hobbies. Her big ticket stuff is travel which I am not a big fan of.

So, today, it came out that I was planning to go to the machine shop to pick up my short block. It's not an insignificant amount and it's cash only. So, she heard me talking on the phone and I said it might have to wait until the banks open since today is a holiday. (cash withdrawal limits) She says, 'how much do you need, I may have it'. So now I'm cornered. I try to put it off but she kept pressing so I told her how much I need. Now she knows how much I am spending on the engine. Again, I know it's on me. I am generally honest (almost too honest sometimes) but again, I like to keep this stuff to myself to avoid questions.

It extends to a lot of things though. Like for example, our house is old and needs a lot of work. A LOT. We are outgrowing it with our kids and need to make some major changes in it. She is afraid/not willing too take out a large enough loan to do what we need to do. I always say sometimes you have to spend to get money. Took me a year to convince her we needed a car. She drove our Cherokee for years with well over 100K on the clock, I got tired of fixing it. Was like pulling blood from a stone.

I hate this situation, I really do. I'm never gonna change the way she thinks about money. I wish I could just do my thing and not feel like I have to keep it to myself. I'd love to fix up the house. I'd actually like for her to do her travel thing too without feeling guilty about spending money.

Hope this doesn't come off as whiny or entitled. I pretty much do everything for family.

How do you guys handle this?

Thanks,

Greg
 
When I was married, I earned the money, and I paid all of the bills. If I needed a car part, I got whatever I wanted after the bills were covered....


She had no right to tell me how to spend MY money....


In the times where she went out and worked, she was free to spend her money as she pleased. I still covered the bills and living expenses.


I also made it clear to her where she stood compared to the cars. "The cars were here before you were, and they will still be here when you're gone..."

I was sure not to break my promise.... She's gone, and the cars are still here....

I also used to point out to her, that when I'm working on my car in the garage, you know that I'm not out in bars chasing other women.... [Isn't that comforting???] So I could be spending the money on my car, or another woman, which do you prefer???


I started playing with Mopars when I was 13 years old. There is no way a woman is going to change that in me. And if she truely loves me, she won't even try, because that's part of who I am....
 
Let's put it this way.

My biggest fear is that after I die, my wife will sell my cars and guns for what I told her I paid for them!
 
Sounds like this is a conversation to have with her. I'm getting married in a couple of months and my future wife knows how much everything I buy costs. Why hide things from her, would you want her to keep secrets from you?
 
I have a separate checking/savings account now. I pay my portion of the bills first and what I sock away I think of as my 'allowance'...free to save or spend as I wish. I'm not a big spender and in past years have had virtually little or nothing to spend. Since getting my new job, things are a little better....
Go ahead and let her give you the $$ for the machine shop, but insist you 'pay her back'...that way, she won't be holding it over your head like the sword od Damocles for the next 25 years.
I understand, home & family are priority, but so are you. Otherwise, why are you getting up every morning and going to work?
 
Here's how I got around my blowing money on vehicle issues with my wife....

Built her one so she cant complain....yea it dug in to my personal budget like a MAF!:D

Gotta work 12's plus just to get my stash built back up.:sleepy1:

She loves it and it makes her feel special every time she drives it.
 

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When we were married 36 years ago, we agreed that my money and her money would be OUR money. We had one bank account and still do. Of course we didn't have 2 nickels to rub together back then. We drove used cars until we could afford to buy new ones, and we've always discussed large purchases before they were made. Now that we are comfortable and I am retired from a 1st career, I got a part time job to pay for the race car and all that goes with it. She understands how expensive a hobby this is, and has gone with me to the track almost every time. Hell, she is the one that bought me the race car and trailer at an estate auction! I consider myself very lucky!
 
RockinRobin said:
When we were married 36 years ago, we agreed that my money and her money would be OUR money. We had one bank account and still do. Of course we didn't have 2 nickels to rub together back then. We drove used cars until we could afford to buy new ones, and we've always discussed large purchases before they were made. Now that we are comfortable and I am retired from a 1st career, I got a part time job to pay for the race car and all that goes with it. She understands how expensive a hobby this is, and has gone with me to the track almost every time. Hell, she is the one that bought me the race car and trailer at an estate auction! I consider myself very lucky!
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Hell yeah, you're lucky. You found a keeper.... :cheers:
 
My ex wife refused to join accounts. I should have seen the writing on the wall - but I'm sure better off not married to HER anyway. My current girlfriend does not know, or need to know, what I spend on my cars. We split bills, we both pay for the kids' stuff, but we are not married, and we have seperate accounts. Which reminds me - Direct TV is calling me because she ahasn;t paid them yet...lol.
 
For mine and I, I am the sole provider. She does an excellent job taking care of everything with the kids and the general logistics of keeping our life comfortable. Although she does WAY more than me at home, I manage the bills. We are somewhat old-school in that we don't have debit cards and rarely use a credit card for "normal" shopping expenses. We work on a cash budget for our weekly life spending. Neither one of us feels as though we have to ask for permission to spend money for our own personal hobby/needs. Its more of a "do we have the extra 4 so I can do/get this?" kind of thing with both of us. We don't ask each other's permission, just if the funds will allow it. We always put the kids and house first. After tax and bonus time this Spring, I might finally get to have the seats in the Fury done - been on the road appearing finished form the outside and underside for 11 yrs, but still need to get the seats done. It doesn't help that in those 11 yrs, we had 2 more kids we weren't expecting (another story for another thread), bought then upgraded to a bigger camper, 1/2 sponsored Jake's 65 B'cuda build, added 600 sq ft to the house upstairs... My seats still aren't done......Life happens.

We have not kept money secrets from each other. She knows how much I spend and I know how much she spends. We both know how much I make, and that I'll need a wheel barrow to bring home my bonus check next week. Even when she worked in Jake's elementary school before quitting when his little brother popped out, She would let me know when she wanted to but something extra and we didn't even rely on that little bit of money coming in. I guess our thinking on it is if we just wanted to do our own thing all the time, why be together in the first place? Everybody is different, but for us, the my money/her money thing wouldn't work. One home, one family, one money, open communication.
 
charger426 said:
Sounds like this is a conversation to have with her. I'm getting married in a couple of months and my future wife knows how much everything I buy costs. Why hide things from her, would you want her to keep secrets from you?
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Yeah that works OK for the first few years but after time goes by I think you'll find she wont understand why YOU STILL want to buy car stuff.

I've been married 20 years now. Last time my wife said "why do you need that?" I asked her why did she "need" a nice house in a nice neighborhood, an SUV, all those shoes and clothes....etc. :D

If my car hobby was ever putting my family in financial trouble, or I neglected the people around me for a set of wheels, that would be one thing, but that's not the case.

We don't discuss every little purchase, we trust that we both have our priorities straight.
 
charger426 said:
Sounds like this is a conversation to have with her. I'm getting married in a couple of months and my future wife knows how much everything I buy costs. Why hide things from her, would you want her to keep secrets from you?
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It's not 'hiding things' per se, just not announcing "OK, I'm spending several grand on a new engine". I don't keep secrets from her, that's not the point here. She knew how much I spent on the car itself, she knew I spent money rebuilding a bunch of stuff on it last year, she knew I was building an engine for it this winter. I just didn't tell her exactly how much it was going to cost.

Besides, you're not married yet, things change after you've been married a while.

And saying stuff like "I wear the pants here, I do what I want" is not realistic and would cause more problems than anything. I've tried that tact, it never seems to get the results I want. I'm not a he-man, but I ain't no pushover either, not even remotely. Let's just say I got it under control.

Kind of a grey area here. Just feeling frustrated at how it unfolds sometimes.
 
We each hold separate accounts/credit cards and share one joint account/credit card. We pay all joint expenses from the joint account or use the joint credit card. We put equal dollars into the joint account each month and if more is needed in it before the month is over, then we just kick in more then (equally). If we want to buy something just for one of us, we buy it with individual money.

This works because we both do well in earning. Then if we ever get divorced, the separation of assets will be easier (especially considering we have a pre-nup in place). My wife is a lawyer, but I developed this plan based on lessons learned from my first marriage (where I let the wife keep her paycheck and I paid all the family bills - she never saved and never had any money, but I still had to pay her half of all my savings and assets when we divorced). A divorce may still impact my separate account, but the pre-nup lists all pre-marital assets which would be excluded from any division of joint assets if there is a fight.

The bottom line is that you should work out the details with your wife so she buys into any potential issues before they develop instead of it turning into a fight after the fact.
 
My wife and I actually read your post and thought we would let you know about how we do it.

The roof over our head always comes first; but only when there is something that absolutely must be taken care of. I am not talking just cosmetic. We have joint accounts where all our money is pooled, bills are paid. Then, in order of necessity, we spend accordingly.

For OUR cars, hers is a 2007 Dodge Caliber with a lifetime warranty and she insists she is going to drive that baby into the ground. It saves us a monthly payment. My 1967 dart is my daily driver and my wife does not drive it at all, but enjoys going places in it. I also have a motorcycle which we also both enjoy. At this time, we are selling our 07 Cummins truck because we do not have a use for it anymore.

OUR dart was purchased from a salvage yard and we took many many years to restore it, spending what we could during our poor days. But we were still driving it primered and engine smoking. We did most of the work ourselves as we could afford it and it took about 17 years to get it to this point. . We both agreed that a restored car would be worth more in years to come than a new car that depreciates fast.

Surprisingly enough we have always operated as a "couple"; a team when making financial decisions. I don't consider my money just mine and she didn't consider her money just hers. Now, my wife doesn't work anymore. We discuss everything we do financially and we don't look at it as "asking permission" to spend. If I want to spend money on my car, we usually sit down and make sure that everything else is done taken care of. I don't know why couples need to have separate accounts. We both need a roof over our heads and we both need transportation.

Also, very important, I include my wife in trips and events that my car is involved in and she likes doing them. Also we take trips not necessarily about the car (something she would like to do) but we take the car as transportation. She has become exposed to how much our car is worth and the importance of keeping it up. We talk about how the car should be done and I include her input. Also, when I know we are getting ready to spend money on the car, I try and do something nice for my wife or with my wife and it doesn't need to be a lot of money, but it makes her feel special that I put forth the effort. I also offer to help her with her projects so it is not always about me. Remember, you only get back what you give and I have been married for 25 years and my wife is a strong-willed, very intelligent woman who will stand her ground if need be. Her famous saying is not to say no, but to do our financial homework to see if it is reasonable to do. She even comes up with good ideas sometimes on how to get what we need for my car.

I think you should get her more involved and make her feel she is part of this decision. Remember that if the situation was reversed and you were making more money than her, you might be the one questioning her purchases and how necessary they are.

To be honest, just to let you know, it is my wife that is typing this because I suck at it.

Hope this helps.
 
rmchrgr said:
And saying stuff like "I wear the pants here, I do what I want" is not realistic and would cause more problems than anything. I've tried that tact, it never seems to get the results I want.
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lol- yeah that never goes over well- buy her flowers, yourself a supercharger, everyone is happy. ;)
 
My bride and I have seperate accounts and always have! Not because I don't want her to know what I spend, but because if she controls the money, my bills would ride around in her purse with her bills until she finds the time to stop at the mail box!! Obviously, like any woman out there, she's waaaay too busy to stop and she is late for everything!!!

That said, I am totally and brutally honest with her about everything, including everything I spend. If she asks, I tell her!! If she thinks I'm crazy for spending any amount I just remind her that I don't monitor what she spends, how much she drinks or smokes, or anything else, and that all our bills are paid! I also remind her that anytime she wants to swap bills, I'm glad to do it, it would save me about $1k a month! She knows that conversation inside and out and just never bothers to ask anymore!! She can clearly see what I spend my money on, or more importantly what I don't spend!!

And how do I get stuff done on my car?? I simply let you guys buy me stuff!! I sell parts, let my paypal account build up, then order what I need and pay with my paypal debit card!! You guys are currently paying to rebuild my 340, and I thank each and every buyer of my stuff for that!! Where do the parts come from?? Well, when I pull up in the drive with a new parts car, the bride will jokingly say "is that going TO the junkyard"?? She knows that parts pay for parts, and sometimes things that she wants too!! If she ever starts squeaking about being broke, I just flip her some $$$ and tell her to spend my t however she wants, and off we go!! Easy?? Well, we don't fight about money!! Now, sex?? That's another thing altogether!! .....geof
 
My ex wife used to be huge on penny pinching, and refused to use money when situations got tough. My favorite example was some bill that had to paid for her on a credit card she had, so I paid out $1200 of my money, and it paid it off, but overdrafted my card about $300 for which fees started accruing and I was paying overdrafts up the wazoo till I got paid again. Then she very kindly told me afterward that she could cover all the fees and the negative amount because she had $4,000 in savings. She still didn't get why that was stupid - nor anything else - and there was more to her - (like crashing my cars into poles whenever we got in a fight) but lets just say there's a lot of reasons I told her to take a hike.

My future wife, whom I asked to marry me just two days ago - is totally cool with car stuff and spending money on cars. She told me if I make money and I pay all my bills, and take care of the kids, and have money left over it should be for me and whatever I want to do. She works too and doesn't hesitate to hand out money for any reason whatsoever. She buys the kids clothes and toys when she should be spending money on herself, but doesn't. She used to be concerned about me spending money on the Dart, but never asked me how much anything costs - and frankly - I don't think she cares. She just knows it makes me happy. She was mostly concerned with the amount of time I was doing stuff. But other than that we let each other know what bills are going to cost - divvy them out - ex- I pay electricity, she pays cable - etc etc. And everything works out just peachy with a bunch of communication. In two years we've never argued about money or pretty much anything for that matter. It just works.

So I bought her her own 1974 Dodge Dart, and now all those worries went away. She asks me to do lots of cool things to it to make it her own, wants to paint it - etc... and she drives it all the time even if she doesn't have to. She just wants to take it to car shows and park it next to my car and have fun. She knows very little about automotive anything, but just wants to drive and have something cool she can talk about. About a week ago, she told me I had spent a lot of time on her car and had neglected my car and that I should spend some time on it... then I knew she was the one...
 
I am new to this and jumped in with a decent sum to get started. I bought and about 80% restored the entire car before it came home. This money was separate from our joint account. My wife is super practical and doesn’t really understand the need for cars, but she puts up with it. She was a little ticked that I went into the joint account when some work went waaay over budget.
We have three kids in private school plus the normal mortgage and living expenses. Mine and our first priority is to the family so large purchases I save up for with my allowance or raising money by other means.
Maybe someday she will like the car more, if it were cooler inside and probably quieter
 
sounds like your family has a lot going for it. communication is always a key. if the wife doesn't approve of your hobby, it makes it harder to discuss the $$ part of it no doubt. if the car stuff IS a very important part of your life, let her know. separate accounts are a good idea. pay all bills out of the total monthly income. save some for retirement. put left overs in your account. try talking about what your goals are with the cars and what it takes $$ wise to get there. we go to work to pay our bills, true, and hopefully have a little let over to enjoy life with!???
on her side, try to understand her conservative nature. trust me, it is a good thing! try to help her understand, investing in your home IS a needed and a must. just like maintainance on her vehicle, its got to get done! . I suggest try being a good participant in her hobby, travel. learn to have a real interest in it and enjoy it. hopefully each of you guys can understand what things in life makes life worth living and understand each other more each day.
 
My wife and I have separate accounts. She makes more than me and spends more than me, but I never question what she spends her money on. Likewise, she never questions me on what I spend my money on. She has absolutely no interest in cars, car shows, racing, etc... That's just fine with me.
 
When I was married many years ago I had nice Mopars but not much else. As other priorities took over I reluctantly sold the Mopars, as many of you probably did. Had to buy a home, support kids, save for their college, remodel a home, build a garage and a deck, etc. Always wanted another Mopar throughout those years. Mrs. Wife is not into cars anymore now than she was then. So it was difficult to even talk about it. Eventually I bought an old Charger, much to her displeasure. I began saving a little cash from each paycheck as I didn't have direct deposit. Sometimes I would let her know that I bought something for the car. But it didn't usually go well. I later decided that if I could make money on cars then it would be ok to also spend a little. The little woman wasn't sold on the idea but when I brought home a Super Bee and did some work to it, later selling it for a profit , she didn' t say much about how much I spent on cars. Of course all our major expenses are pretty much over now. It also helps to have a couple years of cash stashed away and a retirement fund that is doing well. Now when I place an order to Summit or someplace for a part, she knows about it and doesn't say much. By the eay, she was raised to be very frugal. That has helped greatly through the years.
 
:happy1: can't wait to see how this turns out. I am not married per say, been with Sarah 8 years,I would never get married,once you get married things change. I tell her nothing about what I spend. She would not understand how much I spend. She gets mad that I don't tell her, but I have way too many things to lose if she decides to leave. But we get along well because she knows I have a mental problem with all this JUNK she says.
 
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