update on custody etc. Anyone else raising their grandkids?

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ChazRam

ChazRam

1964 Valiant V200
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Location
Carol Stream Illinois
Well, three years into a one year custody deal on my grandkids and the plot thickens. We, as in my wife, daughter, and myself have been put under a microscope with CPS and DCFS over the last three years. House visits, documents, backround checks, work history and the list goes on. Meanwhile we have constant 'status hearings' and must use days off at work to make court hearings. In the process of the extended custody my grandson who turned 4 in February and my grandaughter who just turned 6 this week were only 18 months and just about 3 when we got them and just now are showing signs of the terrible lifestyle they came out of from when the biological parents had them. Head doctors, meds and med adjustments, and constant trips to head doctor for counselling are helping a great deal and the kids are doing okay. My daughter, wife, and I have our good days and bad days as the stress level is pretty high at times with all the goings on. The issue that tears at me the most is my son amd his wife, (the biological parents) dont do nearly as much as they should to get their kids back. They say they want them but when they try and are given a list of what to do they seem to pick and choose what they do and dont want to do and come to court with the old excuse book and demands of what they want. One that is pretty goofy and kind of gives you an idea of what we deal with is they pushed on the court a request to have us drive the kids halfway to their house so they could visit with them at their residence. Now, I did not ask them to move 300 miles away from us when they lived only about 12 miles away before they moved and we did not like having to travel 150 miles just to drop them off and pick them up but we did what the attorneys wanted. What started as a arranged drop off and pickup time at the location 'morphed' into them being late to arrive when getting them and even later to dropping them off. Now myself I work 12 hours a day at my job. In addition my wife and I split duties with the kids as she works about 10 hours a day. My days start at 2:30 am and ends at 8:30 pm. My wifes starts at 7:00 am and ends at 11:00 pm. We try to keep our 16 year old daughter out of the mix as she has enough to deal with being her age. These weekend trips were killing most of our free time and lots was getting pushed to the weekdays we used to do on weekends. Repairs, shopping, bills etc. and it made things pretty tough at times. With the delays on their part Fridays and Sundays were really long days. After 6 months the meeting place drop off stopped. After that the visitation became sporadic. Last time in court they demanded we start dropping them off again. They were told by the judge it was their responsibilty to drive down and visit their kids, not ours! And the old excuse book came out once more. No money, no available days off of work, cat had a hairball, had to change the winter air in the tires to summer air and the valves now leaked etc. Anyways we are not dropping them off anymore PERIOD!! Now since they have not been doing what the should have been with the lawyer and court system they up and got an attorney of their own to fight big time. These kids have no money at all and struggle to pay bills yet they have a late model Tahoe with a V8 and 4 wheel drive, a 52 inch flatscreen TV with high def, a home theater system with a to z gaming and dvds. The wife dont work and they have another daughter in their care who just turned one in march. All of this and they cant see their kids on any kind of schedule and its really screws with the little ones when they are always in and out of their lives like they are. It also causes alot of drama around here too.

Bottom line is we are ecstatic to have or grandkids in our life. Its tough but worth it. This has made the bond with my wife stronger too! We surround ourselves with the kids needs and make sure they are doing okay. We also take time to make sure our daughter is doing good and make time for her as needed. My wife and I have given up our hobbies and have both knuckled down on all the tasks at hand. In my regard you may have noticed I am not on this site much anymore. The car is covered up in the garage and has gotten about 500 miles on it the last three years. No upgrades to it and no shows anymore. With this new attorney I see lots of court dates, jumping through more hoops, many more demands from my son and his wife, and more time these grandkids have to deal with all this rabble as there is lots of picking and prodding ad lots of broken promises from the other end we must de-fuse as this just upsets the kids and tosses them off balance. We are in all this for the long haul and will do what is needed. The car, tools, and project harley just may be sold off before long because quite frankly I am losing interest in this stuff. It seems to me the kids are much more important when viewing the big picture. Sorry for the rant and long story but this is really the first time in the past three years I have opened up and let some steam out. Thanks for the much needed therapy FABO!!!
Chas.
 
My prayers go out to you and your family.

Without getting into someone else's business on the internet, my oldest sister and brother-in-law have become parents for the second time, with the legal adoption of their grandkids, due to a son who's too lazy to do anything with his life and a daughter-in-law who's completely whacked out.

Because of what happened to the kids and the living conditions they were in, the process was streamlined, even going between two states.
 
Thanks guys. Rob, we talked about permanent custody but the resistance from the other end was unbearable. I dont want to give the wrong view of my son. He is my first born, and we love him to death. His wife on the other hand is a piece of work. Her and I do not get along at all. I even had a restraining order on her for physically attacking me during one of her rants. I applaud my son for sticking to his guns. He has been with her for 8 years through it all. I would never interfere with their marriage as its not my business. I guess I just wish they would make better choices for themselves and their kids and have even half the drive to do the right thing in getting their kids back as they do fighting, staying together and making poor choices. Its just tough on the kids plain and simple. In addition its been a roller coaster ride and there have been multiple states to deal with, gaps, re-establishing boundary lines and rulings etc. We just about were ready to begin the reunification process with the kids and their parents but they pissed off the lawyer with non compliance and everything just fell apart. Back again at square one with a new lawyer in the picture, revisiting old issues and starting over at square one was not on our plate but will be now. As the kids get bigger and older I am sure it will be more of a challenge and I hope this old couple is strong enough to see it through. It about the kids. Its always been about the kids and someday they both will be grown and have success. We may never get any thanks but it will make us feel good that we had some part in getting them to where they are going to go and I hope we can live to see it become a reality. God has chosen us for this task and we are answering the call. Our reward will be seeing these little guys make it through the storms and setbacks.
Chas.
 
I somewhat feel your pain. I went through 4 years of a custody battle, fighting my daughters mom and Children services. Being male it was a long road to get to where i am now.
My parents were a big help in me gaining full custody of my daughter. Without getting into specific details (fear of lurkers) My parents are still in my daughters life every day. I believe they enjoy having her around and helping to raise my daughter. Things did get very stressful when i had no choice but to live with my parents over the 4 year long battle. Everyone was stressed about the next court day. (seemed like every other week for four years)

My honest opinion is go for the permanent custody. You have already raised the kids to where they are now. Around here judges and lawyers do not like to move a child if they do not have to. So in the best interest of the children you will be the sole custodial parents. With each excuse that seems to come from them it sounds like the legal system is providing them with a lawyer due to lack of funds. The justice system does not seem fair when you are fighting against someone that has a free lawyer and your paying 350/ hr to have a lawyer.
You have to step outside of the box and look at the kids first. You may think your son is Mr wonderful, but there is obviously something that is taking the best from him. I can not blame his wife, because he is making his own choice.
The best thing i ever did was get away from my daughters mom and get focused on the real world again and focus on my daughter (daughter is now 5). I may have hated the police for the crap they put me through (cops believe women before a man) but in the end it all turned out for the better.

Never run around to kiss the biological parents ***. If they want to see their children they will find a way to get to them. The odd excuse is acceptable but in your situation you should not have to do any running and hold your ground. The best interest of the child is to stay in a stable and caring environment. The parents can come visit when they need to at your own discretion or court order. Make sure the parents do the running as if they do not show up the kids can continue to play in their environment where they seem to be thriving.
I am sure the kids see your 16 yr old daughter as somewhat of a role model. My sister lived with my parents for 2 of the years i was there. My daughter gets very excited to see my sister when she comes around, but due to her life moving on and having other things to do we rarely see her now.
Yes your stand may cause friction in your family, but if your doing it for the kids then you are in the right. I fought 4 sisters (yes i have 4 of them) that men are capable of raising a child. The stereotype that a man cannot do it was a long battle with my sisters and with alot of people in society. I had to go through hell with children services because of having a ***** and also had to jump through flaming hoops and crocodile pits to prove I could do it.

I may come off blunt and heartless but look after the best interst of the children and move on with your son as he has grown up and can now make his own good/bad choices. No sense in standing beside him when he does not seem to care for his own kids, but would rather have excuses. Are you prepared to also raise the 1 year old that they have right now? The precedence is set that you have the other kids and it only seems a matter of time that something happens and the 1 year old is gone into protective custody and you will never see that child ever again until he/she can make their own choices.
 
Chas I just want to say my hats off to you and wife and daughter for stepping up to take care of your grandkids. You see more and more grandparents having to do this and it is tough as you get older to keep up with young kids. My wife has friends that are raising their 7 year old grandson as their daughter is a drug addict piece of crap. My wife helps give them a break by keeping him two days a week since he was about 1 1/2 years old. This puts a lot of stress on our relationship as I never had kids and this kid runs around like his pants are on fire most of the time. I know this kid would really have it bad without my wife in his life so I grin and bear it and just spend more time in my shop. So I know what a good thing you are doing for these kids and I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Sorry to hear but kudos to you and your wife. I had to drag my ex's sorry welfare sucking arse to court for custody and support and before that battled many years of her bag of excuses...
I wish you the best, and ultimately he is your son and always will be, hope it dumps the bride and figures it out...
 
Chas, your a real man who knows what is important in life. You wife is a great person also.

Michael
 
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