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"The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the...

Just had this pop up on my FB 911 feed for the county. SUMMIT PD-- Male subject put a car battery in the oven and turned it up full blast, girl friend threatened to call 911 if the house caught on fire..................he punched her. ___________________________________________________ As an...

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand... Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the...

I had a problem with my computer yesterday. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied...

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an...

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there...

A fireman was working outside the station when a little girl wearing a firefighter's helmet rolled up in a wagon that was decked out like a firetruck, complete with a stepladder hanging from the side and a garden hose coiled up in the middle. Pulling the wagon were a dog and a cat, each...

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’, The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid...

On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him...

:D

I am told these really work. I suggest you buy a new one rather than taking it off of your commode. I shopped around and found a light weight plastic version. You can just wipe it off with a damp rag or toss it into the dishwasher. You may want to get yours soon as I'm sure there will be a run...

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' ______________________________ _______ A little boy went up to his father and...

Anyone ever see a squirrel chase a woodchuck? We just saw one chasing a woodchuck across the backyard. Maybe he was after his nuts?

Dearest Dad, I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook , had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on...

An old man goes to the barber for a shave. He tells the barber that he is afraid that all of the wrinkles on his cheeks will prevent a close shave. The barber pulls a wooden ball out of a little bowl on the counter and tells him to put it in his cheek. This will stretch the skin so that a good...

At my age, 'getting lucky' means walking into a room and remembering what I walked in there for. :)

Her son comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. " Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. He's a little teed off - but goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to...

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather....are these plates clean...

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm... Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really...

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room...

Jackson PD was dispatched a location in the city for a postal workers mail truck being hijacked. They arrive to find that as the mail carrier was exiting the mail truck, a pitbull jumped in and would not let the mail carrier back in the truck and the pitbull wasn't leaving! JSO animal control...

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him...

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, Australia where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as...