What does WIFE stand for? Wash, Iron, F*&k, Etc.
What is a wife? An attachment to the bed that cooks and cleans.
What is the excess skin around the ****** called? Woman. (Trying to keep it a little clean)
What is a woman? A life support system for a ******. (Trying to keep it a little clean)
Why can't women drive? Because there's no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question, feminists can't change anything!
Why does every man need a woman? Because the dishes would get too piled up without one.
Why do men like to see two women kiss each other? Two less mouths that are bitching.
Why did God make woman last? He didn't want someone telling him what to do.
Why do women get married in white? So they match the kitchen appliances!
What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? You made the chain too long.
Why don't women wear watches? There's a clock on the stove.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It!
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
What are a woman's 4 favorite animals? A jaguar in the garage, a mink in the closet, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.
What is a woman doing when she is looking at a blank piece of paper? Reading her rights
How do you turn a dish-washer into a snowplow? Hand the ***** a shovel.
Why do they call it PMS? Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Bigamy is having one wife too many, but so is monogamy.
A man put an ad in classified section of the newspaper: “Wife Wanted”. The next day, he received several responses. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine”.
Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women? When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
What food reduces a woman’s sex drive by at least 90 percent? Wedding cake.
Why do brides smile while walking down the aisle? They know they have given their last bj.
What are the three rings of marriage? Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with, “A man once told me…”
What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years, your job still sucks.
What’s the difference between your paycheck and your *****? You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
What’s the ideal breakfast setting? You’re sitting at the kitchen table and your son is on the front of the Wheaties box, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of a milk carton.
What do you call a woman with one black eye? A fast learner
What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.
