Divorce

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'68-340-S

'68-340-S

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I'm in the process of getting a divorce. Who has been through one that can relate to my "issues"? This isn't something that I wanted, but something that's going to happen. I love my wife and daughter, just can't work things out with the wife. we are two completly differant people.
I'm just wondering how others have delt with this and how they have come to move on with there lives.
For anyone that I have returned any PM's to I'm sorry, I've had alot going on with a POS lawyer ( Yes I'm making a comment about "My laywer" ) and have gotten side tracked. It wouldn't be as bad if we didn't have a child.
Since they moved out I've been lonley and have been trying to keep myself busy by fixing all the BS that her animal have done to the house.
Any advise ?
 
Adam, I've never been through it but split with an ex-girlfriend after 7 years. I know the usual ugliness that comes along with dividing up physical properties is not the same as if one were married but the pain and lonliness are. Also, we never had any children and I can only imagine how hard that must be. I feel for you brother. All I can say is hang in there, and do what's best for you and your little girl right now. If you want to BS, feel free to PM me or PM me your # and a good time to call. BTW: Joyce just walked in while I was typing this and she says to hang in there too.
 
sorry to hear about your problems,i can talk from experience.If you drink DON'T,trust me it'll make things worse,try not to talk to your X anymore than you have too,stay away from her,work as much as possible,it'll help,and most of all spend as much time with your daughter as possible and tell her you love her all the time,and don't bad mouth your X,good luck its very hard to do,it was the worst time of my life,but gets better with time.
 
Ive been there, twice to be exact. With kids involved its always a LOT harder. Its for sure not going to be easy, especially at first. I know for me it felt like I lost everything- family, everyday life, identity, and somedays even my will to go on. My kids really where what forced to me to keep it together as much as I did. I always valued being a father and everything that goes along with it, but I think I did even more so when I suddenly didnt get to see them everyday. It was , and still is, hard when its time for them to go back to their mothers house. But I can promise you that it WILL get better. Its a very long process and sometimes it may seem like you are going backwards instead of moving forward. Little by little things will start to fall into place. Accepting that they are falling into a DIFFERENT place because your life isnt the same may be uncomfortable, but try and see it as a chance to get your life on the track that you want it from here on out. If you havent been through it yet you will probably see that your emotions about the divorce will change from being mad at her, at yourself, sad for your daughter, pissed that you dont get as much time with her, etc etc. Thats just normal so dont think you are losing it. I wish I could just tell you that it will all be fine, and that 1 day you will just wake up and everything will be rosey but that would be a lie. But I can tell you that 1 day you will wake up and look back at this time and see that you have made a lot of progress. And some time later you will look back again see how much further you have come. Try and keep your head up, but also dont hold back when you need to break down. Dont buy into the macho "real men dont cry". Bottling it up will just delay the innevitable and make it worse when you do let it out. This is just how it was for me and lord knows I hope that its easier for you. Im am an extremely private person when it comes to this kind of stuff, but I just had to respond after reading your post. Keeping yourself busy now is an excellent idea. I think the saying goes, an idle mind can be ones worst enemy. So finding anything that keeps you occupied should help you keep your sanity. I might suggest that you maybe talk to a counselor, Dr., or clergy member if you are religious. Getting things off your chest usually seems to lift the burdens we carry. Im not a counselor or an expert by any means but if you ever need someone to talk to, or vent to, just let me know. I wish all the best in dealing with this. Take each day as it comes and know that it will get better even if it doesnt happen as fast as you may like. Best of luck!!
 
I was divorced many years ago and it was hell. You need to keep your head in a positive direction and it will get better. I say that because I KNOW that sometimes it takes years. My daughter was 30 before she realized that she had been lied to. We have begun a new relationship but it is rocky but it is still good. Stand firm and live like you should and ALWAYS be there for your kids. Someday you will be judged by someone other than your wife and her lawyer.
 
My brother is a Fireman in Warren Ohio and he just went through a really messy divorce. He had been married almost 20 years and found out his wife was sleeping around and distributing nudie pics on the internet.....beautiful.
This past summer I went back home to visit and talked to him about starting over. The only advice that really sticks in my mind was when I asked him how do you get over leaving someone after 20 yrs? his reply was " The easiest way to get over a woman is to get another one under you" It may not be the most sound advice but I'm sure it took his mind off of things at least for two minutes:)
Just don't let your emotions run the show. Restraint is very hard when dealing with loved ones. It hurts to the core but you will be able to move on with time and support. Talk to your friends and family, not about your breakup but everything else. If both of you are not willing to comprimise on the issues then they must be important enough to cause the end of your relationship. I can't tell you how many times I had to eat my own words and agree to things that I didn't just to keep the peace and move on. Yeah, I look around my house everyday and say damn this place is a mess! I would rather have the mess and my family than no mess and no family. I hope everything works out for you. I don't know if you drink alcohol or not but, definately stay away from it if your going to be talking to your wife. Serious decision making and booze just don't seem to mix well, believe me I know from experience......especially when things get emotional.
 
This is when you find out who your real friends are I went through a divorce many years ago, I found out that "our friends" droped me like a hot brick and soon found that other friends were truly that and have still got them after 20 years as before do NOT start on booze get stuck into something that will take your mind of things go out DO NOT MOPE AROUND AT HOME it will only make it worse best of luck and hang in there
 
Hang in there. It may take a while for things to get better, then you will meet someone new and better, and there comes a time when the children can tell a judge what they want. I went through a very messy divorce and my ex went for custody just for the pay check. I eventually got a new career, girl friend(now my wife) and my son lives with me. I had to try to undo the damage my ex did with the lies she fed him and so on. So no matter how bad things seem right now believe me there will be brighter days a head!! Keep the faith and support groups are good to get involved in as the people are going through the same thing you are, and you never know you might meet someone there. They will help you a lot, trust me!
 
Been there done that. #1) make your daughter #1. I call my kids just about everynight. Your ex cannot deny you talking priviledges. Keep a log and document everything.
*Since you will probably have to pay child support, make sure it is written into the agreement...you get to claim her as a dependant. It will help your tax position
*Visitation is negotiable (at least in Michigan). I have 2 evenings every week and every Friday night to Sat. night. My kids were/are young. Frequency is important at a young age.
*I have to pick up and drop the kids off.....it is a pain for time and expense...think about getting that as a shared item.
*Not sure on your laws but get joint custody if at all possible
*If you carry the benifits..make sure you are not overpaying since benifits are no longer "free" lots of out of pocket expense and employee pay stuff to think about.

It will get better. Just a few things to think about.
 
hey, I have been there. I am also a child from devorced parents. Remember as much pain and confusion you feel, your kids feel as much if not more. We adults understand things better than kids. Make sure you make a special time and maybe a special activity just for you and your kids. My dad and I always want to the lake on the boat and went fishing during the warmmer months. I always felt bad when I had to hear my dad talk bad about my mom, so dont let the kids know you sour feeling about there mom. Thats a sure way to push them away from you and closer to her. She can no longer be your "x", cause she is now JUST "mommy" and the smallest stupid comment really hurts. My first wife and I had no kids together but I did adopt her daughter. After paying cs for a year, she turned the little one against me, so now she would be 17 and the last time I saw her she was I think 5. Yea, it hurts but you have to be the strong one and only let the kids see unconditional love and "fun with Dad". I hope this helps you a little, my best advise is Prayer. Remember God will not put you thru anything that with him you can not handle.
best wishes and God bless
 
I have been thru two myself. The first one was very bad because my ex turned my stepdaughter against me with lies, that really hurt. I will get to see her this Christmas for the first time in over 15 yrs.
Never say anything bad about your ex in front of the child, kids are real smart and will figure out who the real parent is. Spend as much time with the child as you can and as stated above try not to talk to the ex, they just wait to start an argument in front of the child to make you look bad.
Give yourself time to grieve but don't drag it on and on.
I have found that when God takes something from us it's in our best interest and he will replace it with something better.
We are all here for you so pm me and vent if you need to, I'll give you my number if you need to talk.
Bruce
PS My 2nd divorce was a Godsend, I actually felt bad that I didn't feel bad!!!
 
Sorry your going through hell.I'm never gettin married again or trusting anyone.Like Roy E Emory said"Let me see your war face"
 
I've never been divorced, and never broke up a relationship with kids, but I have had a break up from a fiance' that I was with for 7 plus years and we had bought a house, car and furnishings together. It was nasty. All I can say is that I stuck to my core goals. I was willing to live without much and kept what was really important. I'm saying this because you'll have days where you feel like throwing in the towel, but don't. Pick your battles. In the end, despite her filing bankruptsy and sticking me with $22k of her debt I managed to keep my house, my good credit score and I recovered and started over. I kept drinking to a minimum and tried to keep busy (I was in paramedic class at the time, no choice but to remain busy). I found the girl I was meant to be and am now married with two beautiful little girls.
As for the child, and I'm speaking from a perspective of a child who's parents were divorced, NEVER speak badly of your ex. NEVER play mind games with the child and tell her the truth as it's appropriate. My father said some nasty things about my mom and I saw how it upset my mother. I still don't respect my father for this so don't make the same mistake. Children don't always understand, even if they say they do. Keep this in mind. Look at this situation as a chance to re-do all the things you thought you should in your life.
 
I can only add that, though I have not been down this road, as much as half of my freinds and co-workers have. There is excellent advice here.

Do NOT drink the sorrow away. It's impossible to do so.
Stay busy and get out of the house to enjoy life, it's a new chapter, not the end.
DO NOT trash the wife in front of the kid(s), ever! And if possible, try as best as you can to limit it to others.
Tell the kid(s) the truth and nothing but the truth. If the ex is telling lies, take your time to debunk them tackfully to the children and explain that Mom is just raving mad, not seeing or understanding your side of it.

You made a very good move as well as a bold one to come on line to say something. This is a very positive move and continue to make them.

My advice is to keep a jorurnal. Inside it, besides writing down your feelings and day to day happenings that are important, keep a record of things your kids might want to know as "fact" for when they get older. I have a buddy dong it now and he is keeping a record of the truth, not what his ex is saying and twisting. His son is preety level headed and probably knows a little something about what is going on. He often goes to his Dad with some of the most craziest off the wall things is Mom is saying. It takes awhile to straighten things out. So he followed my advice and wrote it all down. It makes explaining things to his son alot easier, straight foward and honest.

Tarr mentions his daughter was 30 when certain things came to light. Lets hope things are not so dark for you. With the journal, you'll never forget and she'll know every detail of the facts.

I hope your wife is a decent person towards you and your kids. Best wishes to you.
 
I went through this 3 years ago, except there are no children involved. (except step children) My ex slept around on me, drank a lot, and physically/emotionally abused me. My approach was to distance myself from her, carry on at work and didn't tell anyone there, not talk to my friends and family about it very much, and when it came time to talk about things, i saw a councellor. that way your family and friends don't get burdened by your problems. Badawg has it right on in my opinion. I also didn't date for 2 years, that's when i felt that i was ready, and am now living with a lady who is awesome to me. Patience and time are what heals you, not booze and drugs. I did socially drink during this and still do, don't let it be another problem for you. Keep up the contact with your daughter and don't badmouth your ex in front of her it's not worth it in the long run, believe me. Keep busy, get as much rest as you can, and time will pass to a point where you start thinking clearer and you will eventually get on with your life.
I wish you all the best in getting through your hard times.
Hang in there 'bro!
Tom.
 
In the process of divorce myself.

It's no fun, but it's less bad than staying married!

A lot of good advice here; most of which would apply to staying married, too.

-bill
 
I always tell my wife if she leaves me I will screw all her friends.Sure glad it has,nt happened though. Be strong,life is a roller coaster ride.for every low theres a high. Sometimes the seperation is what puts you back together as they find out the grass isnt greener.Good luck,we,re here for you.
 
I am just now coming up on a year after my divorce. It crushed me. I was married for nine years and have 2 beautiful little girls from it. I one day out of the blue find out that she wants to leave me. Further evidence finds she has another man. I went through every stage that all the counselor said I would wether I thought I would or not. I was lucky enought to talk to her and explain we need to do joint custody on the kids. and we were able to do that. 50/50 split time. No one pays the other. There have been extremely sticky moments strewn with hate and frustrations. I can tell you this. Your childeren see all of it. Dont go that route. If your going to argue over things in person or over the phone etc.... never do it in fornt of your childeren. your goal right now is your child. Make your self the #1 person in their life and never (its hard) talk bad about mom in front of them. Dont use them to gain info on " mom". I can go on and on from things I have learned. Feel free to send me a PM I would love to converse and support. Its a tough road no matter how its traveled. There is light out there but there needs to be the time of feeling things out. Lonely is a bad feeling. I have been there and can talk to ya about it .

feel free to p.m. me

things will get better.

-Scott
RPM
 
I have not been through this and probably never will. I am one of the few that made a fantastic choice when I got married (20yrs now).

What I can say is - I've seen an unbelievable number of my male friends and relatives get divorced. Better than 2/3's got screwed so bad you want to cry for them. Totally unreasonable settlements, child support, alimony, the ex lies to the kids and the court etc.

Make sure you get an ace for a lawyer. Follow the rest of the advice above - keep busy - be truthful with your kid(s) - view this as another chapter opening in your life - exercise might be a good distraction ! Keep in mind you want what's fair - but don't leave that for her lawyer and the court to decide whats fair, now is the time to take the bull by the horns and wrestle it to the ground. Be strong, but fair. If you dont like your present lawyer, get another one. Search around and find the best you can.

Depending on the state you live in - the laws can be heavily slanted towards the mother, again - get a sharp lawyer. Hide as many assets as you can. Things can get very ugly once lawyers are involved and money starts being waived around. Greed takes over unfortunately.
 
Sorry to hear about your bad luck... Been there twice myself. As others have said only contact her if it has to do with business or the kids, nothing more... I would also sujest if there is a divorce care group in your area to look into it. They are there to help you through a lot of hard times...And remember you don't know a woman until oyu meet her in court...Her lawyer will do everything he can to get what he wants and he will talk her into it and she will go along with it. Hang out with friends you can trust. Find one that will be a support for you. I have such a friend and he has helped me though both of mine.. And take time to work on your car, it is great theopy. And stay as close to your kids as you can... My first wife turned my kids against me, and it has been a long road to rebuilding a relationship with them...Good luck
 
Sorry hear of your troubles. I went through a break up with a fiance' just two months ago.

Lot's of great advice here. Please let me add that you've got to set some goals for yourself. Further your education, get a better job, set up a fishing trip, going to the gym four days a week or whatever you feel you really need to do. You have the time now, so get 'er done. I can just about guarantee you that she's not sitting around pining away about you. Why should you?

Get up, get out and get cracking. The world is waiting for you to make your next move. Make it a good one.
 
I'm sorry for anyone that has to go through a divorce. But I see a lot of GREAT advice in this thread. Above all, if you drink, DON'T. Your child or children should be a priority. Bad-mouthing the ex only compounds bad feelings. Give yourself plenty of time before you see anyone else. Most of all, good luck, and know my thoughts are with you.
 
RPM said:
I am just now coming up on a year after my divorce. It crushed me. I was married for nine years and have 2 beautiful little girls from it. I one day out of the blue find out that she wants to leave me. Further evidence finds she has another man. I went through every stage that all the counselor said I would wether I thought I would or not. I was lucky enought to talk to her and explain we need to do joint custody on the kids. and we were able to do that. 50/50 split time. No one pays the other. There have been extremely sticky moments strewn with hate and frustrations. I can tell you this. Your childeren see all of it. Dont go that route. If your going to argue over things in person or over the phone etc.... never do it in fornt of your childeren. your goal right now is your child. Make your self the #1 person in their life and never (its hard) talk bad about mom in front of them. Dont use them to gain info on " mom". I can go on and on from things I have learned. Feel free to send me a PM I would love to converse and support. Its a tough road no matter how its traveled. There is light out there but there needs to be the time of feeling things out. Lonely is a bad feeling. I have been there and can talk to ya about it .

feel free to p.m. me

things will get better.

-Scott
RPM
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That is all 100% correct!!! I went through the same thing, put your child first. They will realize what is right once they get older, and will appreciate everything that you have done for them. Its better to be lonely than in a miserable loveless marriage. Ive been divorced for 5 years and went through some tough times,BE STRONG!! its all worth it. Try not to spoil the kid, as you feel you owe them, and will over do it to buy them things to make them happy. Your time, and doing things with them is way more important. My son is 10 now, and Im so lucky - he plays hockey (doesnt like cars yet) and is really a great little boy. A little over a year ago I met a lovely English girl who thinks Im the best thing since sliced bread....(i dont see that about myself), but other than my son, she's the best thing that has ever happened to me!!
Its proof that good things happen to good people - be patient, things will work out for you for the best. Keep us updated, theres a lot of good guys on here that are right here on your side!!
Good luck with everything!
 
Adam, I learned a couple things reading this thread. Contrary to what most women think, men really DO have feelings about things besides food, liquor and sex and aren't as afraid to share them as they'd have us believe. The other obvious thing -- and much more important -- is that you have dozens of friends here who are willing to help you through this tough time with outstanding advice, let you lean on them as needed, and who will be there for you at all times. Your FABO support network is always available, and I just wanna let you know that I'm one of them. :-D
 
all very good advice here. sorry to hear it's ending but you also need to remember that time really does heal all. good luck, man !
 
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