Need advice from Step Fathers/Fathers please

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J-MacsMopars

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Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't been around much. My life is actually the best its been in years and I am so happy. I have met a wonderful girl that is amazing and things are great. I am trying to be the best man I can be and I think I am doing pretty good. She has two little boys, ages four and two and they are awesome. Their father is not in their life at all and they have really became attached to me as I have them. The oldest boy is REALLY attached and when he is with us, he wants to be in my lap or carried or touching me anywhere we go. I don't mind for the most part, but when I or his mom says he has to walk and not be carried or sit on his own chair, he looses his mind and has a tantrum. I admit to have kind of spoiled him, but know that I need to learn to say no. I don't really know how. The other day I really stuck to my guns when I said no and he was so upset, almost made me cry. What do I do? How do I be firm without coming off mean? I am new to playing Dad and have so many questions and don't really know how to get answers. My GF tells me I am doing very good and is happy that I am working to do my best and learn. I really like her and the kids and hope to be in their life for a very long time. I would be very appreciative of any advice I can get on being a good step dad.

Thanks everyone.
Jeremy

 
need to be firm yet nice and stick to it... if you say no, you must mean it and not give in.... a lot of times kids will push back and it gets hard at first but in the long run, they are much happier and it goes a lot smoother when they know that no means no.... (yes better mean yes too!) Mom needs to be on-board as well, no caving in when they pitch a fit or they will learn that they can wear you down....

Also, ask then to do things once.... don't count to 3 or play other games.... ask once and if they don't listen, there are consequences.... otherwise, they will gamble and not listen and try to gauge by the tone of your voice, or look in your eyes, etc....
 
It's a tough thing to stick with but remember parenting isn't about being best friends it's about raising the best person and sometimes that means doing the right thing inspite of the tears and tantrums , in fact the tears and tantrums show he needs some gentle push towards proper behavior and he's old enough to learn whats acceptable and whats not , the 2 year old is 2 they call em the terrible 2's for a reason but 4 is the year before he starts school and being out around other people without you where tantrums are not acceptable , later in life they will respect and love you for being the firm guiding hand they need when they are young . failing to do so means the child ends up with all sorts of social problems down the road because they never learned self control when they were young . I raised 2 stepsons from 8 and 10 and would have sure liked to have gotten them at 2 and 4 because the older they get the harder it is for them to break bad behavior patterns .
 
i dont have any advice on being a step dad because i am a girl and i dont have any kids..........but i am commenting to say that i am very happy to see that you are doing good these days and obviously found something good for your life.....you have come a long way since the dart sport days in Utah. :-x

I would say that you have the right to be a father figure and all that comes with it to the boys since you are stepping up and doing what most men would refuse to do.

Great going Mr. Jeremy....you look like a pretty happy family in the pic......i wish you the best and many many blessings in your life.

Keep it real and keep it mopar :laughing::cheers:
 
need to be firm yet nice and stick to it... if you say no, you must mean it and not give in.... a lot of times kids will push back and it gets hard at first but in the long run, they are much happier and it goes a lot smoother when they know that no means no.... (yes better mean yes too!) Mom needs to be on-board as well, no caving in when they pitch a fit or they will learn that they can wear you down....

Also, ask then to do things once.... don't count to 3 or play other games.... ask once and if they don't listen, there are consequences.... otherwise, they will gamble and not listen and try to gauge by the tone of your voice, or look in your eyes, etc....

X2 well said
 
Boundries are your friend. Kids will push on those boundries to find the point they can't cross.

Firm and polite.

At least they aren't crap stirring teens with a mother that repsonds, "well you're aren't his father..." Yeah that helps a kid be respectful to others. Gone in 60 seconds. LOL
 
Thanks for the advice. Its going to be a challenge I know, and her and I are already on the same page for the most part. She has told me to help discipline them and gives me some advice, I just have a hard time because I am a softy I guess. I am doing better, but still need advice of others that have done it. It sure is a big step going from single worrying only about myself to having three others to think about. Its awesome though, I don't know that I would change it for anything. The boys even love my Duster. They love riding in it which is cool. Maybe I can teach them how to work on them.

Rani, its good to see you on here. Its been a long time. :) Things have changed since Utah for sure. I am much happier, healthier, etc... I have lost over 80lbs since Nov. of last year and and am still working on it. Would like to be down a total of 150-170 by Nov of next year. :) The kids are really active, so I think that will make it easier.
 
Cracked, I am glad they arent teens as well. And I am glad that their Mom wants me to be their Dad. Sometimes the kids already call me Dad which I had mixed feelings about at first, but am okay with it now.
 
I am a stepdad and a dad both, and I can tell you that sometimes there is no such thing as a "good stepdad"
Your great until you disagree with them, then it's usually on to mom to get "stepdad" to do what they want.

My youngest (my wife's biological daughter) told me one day a long time ago that if I didn't put her down she was going to throw up on me.
I told her to go right ahead because I would just go get a ziploc bag and save it, and that's what she would get for breakfast the next morning.

Gross I know, but she never threatened me like that again.
When they throw tantrums you just have to tell them they are acting rediculous blow it off.
Walk away shaking your head, and even letting them think you think it's kinda funny.
That really pisses em off, and then they learn that it does no good to throw a tantrum in the first place.
Tantrums only happen because they worked at some point, and they are trying it again.

Obviously when he asks and it was his idea, do it if you can if it is a reasonable request at the time.
This let's im know you would if it was an ok time, but sometimes it's not such a good time and that's just the way it is.

Also, times when you ask him to do something and he does it praise him for not throwing a tantrum.
He may have not even considered it at the moment, but it lets him know you appreciate it when he does not.

You would be shocked at how fast that last one works.

Then the younger one will see this and learn it for himself, and you won't have to go through it with him too. :)
The way things are going now, you will I gaurantee it. (because he see's that it works for the older one)
 
Two things.

Be firm but fair.

And.

You cannot be a good parent and a best friend too. One or the other.

I know a lot of people may disagree but over the years raising kids and step kids (a term I despise) you really have to be a parent first and foremost.

This is not to be confused with you can't hangout and have a blast with them, because you can.
 
As a Dad and a Step Dad all I can say is always be the Adult in the room.Kids are very perceptive and will soon adapt and understand just like your own kids would do. Your girlfriend's backing you up will also be very important.
 
From your question I can tell your heart is in the right place - which is the most important thing.
I just want to add that as traumatic as it may seem at the time after 5 minutes the kids have moved on; so you just need to be firm and do the best you can.
 
I agree with everyone here but wonder if its a seperation anxiety issue because his biological dad left him. May be worried you will leave too.You may need to consult a child psychologist.
 
I guess a little background. The oldest has never met his Dad. As soon as he found out that his mom was pregnant, he left and doesn't want anything to do with them. The youngests Dad was there for a little bit, but was a drinker and became very abusive and about smothered him to death when he was about six months old. Tabatha hasn't dated anyone since, till me. So really, neither of them have ever had a father figure. I do sometimes think that the abandonment issue is part of it because the oldest always gets very emotional when I am leaving and says "please don't leave me", which makes it very hard for me to leave. I don't know if I am ready to be a Dad, but at the same time, is anyone? But then again, maybe I am because I am seeking information, looking things up on line, putting their well being ahead of mine and trying to be the best I can. I am honestly a bit scared about this, but it feels so right and I am so much happier and seeing the joy in my girlfriends face and her kids when I am there is so awesome. It makes me feel happy to make a difference in someones life and to be there for someone and now I get to do that for three people. Plus her family all love me, so thats a huge plus. Thanks again for the advice and everything. :)
 
I have to say yes, I'm both, so I know right where your at. as it has been mentioned Make "no" mean, NO and be sure "yes" means YES. NOW the key, is to interact with the kids and when something is "in-question" speak with your girlfriend about whatever issue it is, compromise if you have too just a bit with HER not them. you need to set that example, and once they "the kids" see, and feel this, it will teach them that, we can't go to you for one answer and Mom for the other..

AND NOW, because this sounds serious (I got input there too) I married the girl so. my now wife, first wife but anyway, this opens up a door for you to have your "own" not step-kids. with ALL of them should that happen, treat them the same, "no" means NO and "yes" means YES, and anything in question talk with her on it and come to an agreement. all after this should turn out well.....

The best advice I can give you is TALK TO HER on EVERYTHING even the smallest detail! Specially raising kids. you want them to be the best person they can be when they're grown! That is where the 2 of you, have to set that example!
 
I'm a father and step father. First off, unless you've married the girl, you're just a boyfriend. Not trying to be mean, that's just the truth of it. If yall are serious, step up and do it right and marry her.

All the advice I have is this. Don't be their friend. That's the biggest mistake you can ever make. All you can do is be their father figure, unless you marry and adopt them at a later date. Even then, don't be their friend.

Parents make that mistake a lot. They think they're supposed to be their kids best friends. It just doesn't work. Parents are the governing force in the family. You make sure they are safe and provided for.

Are there times you can be friends? Sure, but trying to do that first and only that is a mistake IMO. Let the dung fly.
 
J-Mac, you have gotten some VERY good advice here. I can honestly say that I agree with everything that has been said. My three kids are all grown, my youngest (daughter ) is 18. Wow I feel old saying that!

All I have to add is "consistency". Kids need to know where you stand on things. If something is prohibited today, then tolerated tomorrow, you will always be tormented with your kids "pushing the envelope" to see how far they can get, so to speak. They are trying to learn where their boundaries really are; not necessarily where you "say" they are.

Those boys are young, their minds are like sponges! Always soaking up info, mostly from what they SEE and experience, not as much as what they are "told".

Sounds to me like you have nothing but their best at heart; but it still takes a LOT of time, effort, and energy. Sometimes it may feel like a losing battle. Don't give up like so many parents seem to do. This will eventually pay off big time!

One more thing... It's the internet. It's a dangerous place for youngsters. They will 'learn' more there than they should. They may get so caught up on web based info, forums, etc, Sometimes inappropriate content, or even worse... Firm parental control is needed here.

Kids are great! I love mine dearly, but believe me, there were times when the challenges seemed overwhelming. Raising kids isn't for sissies! Good luck in your new adventure!
 
I'm a father and step father. First off, unless you've married the girl, you're just a boyfriend. Not trying to be mean, that's just the truth of it. If yall are serious, step up and do it right and marry her.

All the advice I have is this. Don't be their friend. That's the biggest mistake you can ever make. All you can do is be their father figure, unless you marry and adopt them at a later date. Even then, don't be their friend.

Parents make that mistake a lot. They think they're supposed to be their kids best friends. It just doesn't work. Parents are the governing force in the family. You make sure they are safe and provided for.

Are there times you can be friends? Sure, but trying to do that first and only that is a mistake IMO. Let the dung fly.


I agree with you 100%.
 
I am honestly a bit scared about this, but it feels so right and I am so much happier and seeing the joy in my girlfriends face and her kids when I am there is so awesome.

Concentrate on that part right there, the rest will come!

There are no rules, handbooks, manuals etc for raising kids, it has to come from the heart.
 
The little guys are looking for continuity. No Male in the house puts the burden on the Mother. Kids like men, because they are not mom. If you are serious about sticking around, then let them know it. They will get better.
I raised four kids, and my Daughter married a Man who has parttime custody of his two boys , and the boys have a terrible mother. So they follow grandpa around when they come to visit. The Boys are getting better behaved, as they know the rules at Grandpa's house! Boys like rules, they just want the rules to be consistent. They may complain, but that is what they do.
 
I've raised 3 and they came out pretty darn good. One thing they all thanked us for as they flew the nest was for being there to support them. Go to that play, football game, whatever they are doing. I don't know you but from what I've read you will do great, heart in the right place.
 
I became a stepfather to two girls at ages 12 and 22. The 12 year old had a hard time with it.Over time we gained respect for each other.Yes it was hard to say "no". I would give my life for these kids and my wife.They are the best thing ever in my life.
The girls are 26 and 34 now and have a life of their own. Still makes me tear up when they call and want to ask "Dad" for advice.............
 
As the step-father of a High Functioning Autistic young man I agree with everything that I've read here.

My own take on things in case my view or wording puts things in a perspective that works for you:

Re: Not feeling ready. When my sister got pregnant my mom commented to her mom that the timing could be better. Grandmother's response was "kids always come at a bad time, you just deal with it."

Re: Rules for kids. Mom's advice to my sister when my nephew starting act out. "The kid's job is to test the boundaries. The parent's job is to set the boundaries and enforce them." Set them as appropriate, enforce them as appropriate, and most importantly adjust them as appropriate.

Being a parent is OJT, there is no course or class to take, though the section at the local bookstore begs to say different. I'll venture no parent out there feels 100% about the job that they've done or are doing in raising kids. Keep your eye on the big picture and don't sweat the small stuff too much. This isn't a road race where you can plot an exact course and expect to be always on it within an inch. This piloting a sailboat where the waves of life are always pushing you off-course. Just keep herding it back to the course. And don't be too set on the course, sometimes the long way there is the best course to take, and you may not know that until after you've started.
 
teaching him to walk when needed, make it a game.. like "can you do this". "i can do this, can you"
 
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